u/Ok-Meeting-2503

Yesterday I was at the office all day. Was coming home and my boyfriend reminded me he was at the driving range with a friend. Afterwards, they went out to a restaurant for dinner. He texted me the menu and asked if I wanted anything. I said “Mmm.. the salad looks good” I thought that was a pretty clear indicator of what I wanted. He texted me something unrelated then half an hour later said he was coming home and got me the salmon bowl. I was confused because that isn’t what I said I wanted, but okay… I just sent a screenshot of what I had said and responded “ok, drive safe” I didn’t really even care and could have easily made myself something for dinner as I had planned, but he had offered.

He gets home and walks in the kitchen, puts the food on the counter and does not say a single word to me. I try to say hi. He ignores me. I keep trying to talk to him saying hello? Hello? Over and over. and he continues to pretend I do not exist. He then starts berating me because the flowers he got me for my birthday two days ago were still in a pot with water and not in a proper vase. I said ok … I’m sorry and started putting them in a vase. I told him how his behavior lately was breaking my heart and hurting me. I was tearful. Calling him out only escalated things further and made him double down. I felt manipulated and disrespected so I ended the conversation.

He then texted me 14 text messages over the next 15 minutes berating me. Here are the first two:

“ Hey sorry about not getting the correct thing you hinted at from the menu. I went bsck and got it.”

“Sorry about not getting a good present for you for your birthday. I just got flowers. I’m an asshole. “

Screenshots of the rest of the messages are in the comments.

After the second text, I asked him to stop. He did not. I turned off my phone and went upstairs and locked myself in the bedroom. I didn’t respond to him the rest of the night and haven’t talked to him since and he hasn’t tried to talk to me either. I felt like I was having an anxiety attack, was so nauseous and didn’t end up eating anything at all.

I have no idea what to say or do. He just put a bag of my favorite cookies from a local bakery on the table in front of me which I know is just another form of his manipulation, since he cannot communicate in a healthy way and will never acknowledge his issues and take accountability. I am emotionally exhausted. The emotional abuse has been increasing pretty severely lately and I’ve been posting here every few days at this point as a record for myself and to vent.

Another year another birthday ruined by him not being able to regulate his emotions. The day started off nice enough. He got me flowers and coffee from my favorite coffee shop and wrote me a card. We went to the lake to go kayaking. He had a beer. Then another. Then another. Starting playing loud music and just being well.. loud and a little obnoxious. I was just trying to chill on the lake. I tried to have fun and not take it too seriously.

Then after kayaking on the way to lunch he misheard something I said and got very animated and upset about this small misunderstanding. He was yelling, voice raised, and throwing his hands up in the air… but claimed he was not upset at me. I just stayed silent in order to not escalate things further. Then we get to the lunch place, and it was closed. I didn’t say anything about it but was annoyed because i asked him to check and make sure it was open and he said he did (I checked it and it clearly said closed until 4pm).

Anyways, then he started driving around aggressively in circles whipping and speeding around to kill time until the place opened. We get back to the lunch place at opening time and he is sulking and barely looking at me. I have to pretend like everything is fine and be friendly with the waitress. He walks off and disappears. Comes back and starts crying at the table with his head down. I have to then get a box for our food and the check and we leave. At this point he is sobbing crying and said the “Piano Man” song made him sad and triggered him to think about our dog we had to put down a month and a half ago. He sobbed the whole way home. I spent the rest of the day comforting him and doing emotional labor. He did apologize to me, but how can I be upset with him for being sad about the dog? Everyone processes differently. But something about it just felt off. He hadn’t had an episode like that for weeks and is back to his normal self today like nothing happened.

Maybe in the context of a relationship absent of emotional abuse I wouldn’t question it but it felt like yet another manipulative ploy to ruin what was meant to be a nice occasion. I feel guilty for even suggesting it wasn’t a true episode of grief and I don’t know what to make of it.

I (38F) got home from a long day at work plus two hours total of commuting and an hour at Costco grocery shopping. I got home at 8:30 ish and he (40M) had cooked some rice and chicken for us. Everything was fine.

Then as I was trying to put the groceries away, he started really annoyingly groping me. Then I was kneeling in front of the fridge putting stuff away, and he stood over me with his legs/groin pressed hard against my back. I told him to stop several times. He then turned around and did it again now with his back side against/on top of my shoulders and at this point it’s hurting me, I couldn’t move, and I’m using my elbows to try to get him off of me. I was literally yelling “get off of me! Stop! Get off of me!” When he finally stopped I went upstairs because I was annoyed and he texted me a bunch of question marks then said sorry and that he was just messing around and wasn’t trying to upset me.

But it really triggered me. I feel so weird about it right now and I don’t know why. I wanted to be with him, hug and kiss him, eat dinner and relax together. Instead I get this and then being ignored the rest of the night. He has done stuff like this to me before and I’ve reacted similarly. It’s almost like he does it on purpose to get a rise out of me, but of course he denies that. Idk. Am I overreacting? Just feels like the last thing I wanted after a long day.

EDIT: thank you for all the comments. it is very validating and it makes me feel less crazy. we have barely spoken today other than over text. I can barely even look at him right now.

Everything has been worse lately because of some major life events - we bought a house and moved in October, our dog we had for 15 years died from cancer last month, and his company isn’t doing well and he could lose his job in 2-3 months.

Any time there is added stress and major life events there is more emotional abuse. I have gained back the 20lbs I worked hard to lose last year. I really focused last year on myself and was feeling good and stronger mentally and physically and now I feel like crap all over again.

The weight isn’t coming off even though I’m doing the same things. My body physically hurts. I feel so stressed, my hair is falling out more, I’m so tired and irritable. My usual daily anxiety meds are doing basically nothing. I’m not getting enough sleep. Everything is compounding and I’m exhausted. Feel like I look 10 years older than I am.

I was listening to some music earlier and just broke down in tears with the deep sadness and loneliness in my heart. I’ve gone and lost myself all over again.

Yesterday and today he got extremely upset with me for two things. One was I didn’t put more gas in the car even though it still had plenty in it. I sent him $50 to cover it which im sure was quite a bit more than what it cost him to refill it. Today I was making coffee in my French press while he was using the pour over. He flipped out because I used some of the hot water he was heating for my french press and poured the rest into his pour over. He was mad that I didn’t refill the kettle. We haven’t spoken since. I was looking forward to a nice Sunday that is now ruined over this small thing.

I can’t go more than an hour of being awake without feeling like I’ve done something wrong again. Sometimes I question if I’m just being oversensitive and inconsiderate. Like yeah, I should have filled up the gas tank, I should have added more water to the kettle. But it doesn’t seem to matter, if I fix one area then he’s upset about something else and I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.

He does have ADHD and with that comes extreme rejection sensitivity and difficulty regulating emotions. I have been very empathetic to that however I am at my wits end. He has refused any treatment and does not take care of his mental or physical health.