I really feel like porn is ruining me
Im 16M and i've been watching porn since I was around 13 but it was never a crazy thing until last year when I had a really weird relationship with a girl. She just randomly came up and talked to me and we became friends but then some weird things happened. One time she asked me to cuddle with her and due to my curiosity, I said yes. And ever since that day, I feel like thats when I really felt more sexually aroused by things and I feel like it really ruined my relationship with her and my mental health. I became a #1 porn addict and was watching it constantly. I never realized how vulnerable I was to this and it messed me up and made me beat it off to things I really regret. And worst of all, it got so bad I fapped off to a video with a younger looking character in it and I just cant believe how badly things have gotten for me. (Just to be clear, I never in 100 years would ever want to rape a kid at all.
Never thought of it and never will, but the fact that I even watched a video where the character looks like she's 5 years younger than me scares me so badly and it really makes me question my morality. I know what I did was very wrong and I cant change what | did. But I would never want to hurt a kid (or anyone that looks like one) that way, even if I messes up really badly by watching a porn video with a young looking character in it.) I know I've really messed up a lot in the past year and I can't stop thinking about it and | just wish I wasn't so immature and really realized the damage this could do to me mentally. I can't change the past and I likely wont forget what i've done, but today I had enough and want to change truly. I know my family has had some weird history with sex at a young age and stuff but I know they wouldn't want me to be like this and it sucks. I don't want to let them down and I keep messing up.
(I know me being horny can change my thoughts of things and can make me do things I regret in the heat of the moment but it's still wrong and I always have a choice to resist temptations.)I have lots of things I want to do and AM doing at the moment but porn is really holding me back and knowing the things i've done because of porn really taints me as a person and | just don't think I can forgive myself. I want to be somebody people look up to but every time I relapse I just feel like I become less of a person by each time. I know reddit may not be the best place to look for help, but it's a start. I want to do so many things and life but I will never get the chance if I continue this path of darkness. Its made me do things I'd never thought I would do and I don't want that to continue.