Why am I getting scared and terrified during/after japa ?
Hi 👋 !
I am doing japa of a few beginner safe naam-mantras/naamavali. I am praying to Maa Durga, Bhairava Baba and Hanuman Chalisa. I am maintaining celibacy for 10 days while I finish my target which I promised Maa I would do.
I started hanuman chalisa and bhairava baba's japa recently.. Maa Durga's namavali I have done multiple times previously.
I do my Puja at night after 12 midnight because I don't want my mom and dad to see me doing puja or they will be like "beta sudhar gaya etc.(my family thinks I am the biggest atheist)". I hate doing puja when people are looking at me. I do my japa at night after switching off all lights after everyone is asleep. Also I do it without mala. Use a counter app in my phone.. If my mom and dad enter my bedroom at night to check me its difficult to hide a mala so I don't use my mala.
After day-1 of adding bhairava baba japa I went out to living room to get some water after the day's japa. Suddenly I saw something which terrified me. I am 100% sure it was NOT Real and in my head but I felt a weird primitive fear.. The kind of fear I used to have when I was a child. I felt terrorized and wanted to just run away to my bedroom. But I decided to stay there only for 2-3 minutes to make sure its my imagination. And then after calming down went to bedroom and slept.
On day-2 in between my japa I again had a similar experience. I got terrified halfway between my japa. I paused for some time to calm down. And then continued again and finished..
All the japa I do are of namaavali or naam-mantras. No beeja, no tantrik mantra..
Is this fear a figment of my imagination ? Why is it happening every day ? Is it something I should pay attention on or should I just ignore and continue doing my japa ?
My take is that since I am a complete newbie I cannot have any experiences and these are just figments of my imagination. But they feel scary as hell. My hairs kinda stand up. I feel sweaty, my muscles feel loose and weak and I feel really warm even in AC.
What I see is a very very dangerous and scary feminine figure with red skin and patterns on face ... she looks really dangerous. I see/imagine this for very less time around 10milliseconds.... just like a flash... but the fear it brings is real. I want to forget about this because I think its imagination and the more I think the more my brain would reinforce the idea..