r/Tantrasadhaks

I mean before i went to kashi i use to envy people who visited kashi i mean people around me those people who have 0 idea of bhairava and haven’t done any sadhana they were being called in Kashi whilst i am not !!! Whenever this use to happen i use to give side eye to baba “like really, those people. When is my turn???”. It used to sting . Random post but still do you guys have any experience of this kind of stuff?

At a difficult point in my life right now. Everything is slowly falling apart mainly because I can't seem to get enough money in my hands. Everything including my marriage and career seems at stake here. And very sadly I do need some advice to attract material wealth.

So I am doing sadna of maa saraswati for quite a few years now and also of kartikeya. I have had difficulaties in approaching ganesha, perhaps because I am doing kartikeya sadhna or some other reason.

Would anyone please give me some simple advice 🙏

I mean, someone who I love is gonna go slowly and I just don't know, how do you assimilate the fact that the things you love are going to go yet you need to be there in this world .

Basically the title.

Context: Rajarshi sir, in the latest video containing his thoughts on taking money for Diksha, mentioned at the very end that he is indeed a Guru proper- something he has been explicitly denying for many years (for people who know him back from Facebook days) and on various occasions and podcasts and interviews. He said that while he personally doesn't charge money for diksha (because he takes certain harsh commitments instead; didn't elaborate but probably commitments to do Vishesh Sadhana unfailingly, volunteer in annadanam, etc. which is all fair- particularly if he's not charging money), he doesn't consider it wrong- in fact, he said that Guru charging money for diksha has proper scriptural backing. He also said that his diksha is not available "for everyone", and didn't even give any pre-requisites or any proper channel/medium to communicate the request.

Given the above, what are you guys' thoughts on taking diksha from him? Thoughts from both aspirants of diksha as well as his already-dikshit supporters are both welcome.

Special request to anyone here who has indeed been initiated by him AFTER his podcasts fame, (and humble request 🙏🏼to not lie or falsely claim that you have if you haven't): Can you please share your journey from coming to know of him after watching his podcasts and interviews to getting initiation? Just a general sense of how much chance does an ordinary guy like me- with no special connection with him as of today (as opposed to his old Facebook circle)- have to get dikshit by him, in reasonable time and with reasonable efforts?

*This info is extracted using Gemini *

Maa Lakshmi is the clear flowing water and when negative traits of human corrupt it, in order to maintain balance she destroys/teaches the individual as Alakshmi or Paapi Lakshmi.

-----

Atharva Veda (7.115) explicitly states that a human being is born with "101 signs or marks" (Eka-shata Lakshmi), it introduces a sacred cosmic count.

#All these below are Interpretation of Gemini AI wrt to names and examples, Take it as grain of sand, and more as Tattva expansion than literal meaning#

Part 1: The 50 Shadow Elements (The Paapi & Alakshmi Matrix)

These represent wealth that turns toxic, or the states of deep mental and structural lack.

The 25 Forces of Alakshmi (Direct Lack & Stagnation)

1. Daridra (Chronic Drain): Earning $10,000 a month but losing it all to emergency repairs every time.

2. Jyestha (Stagnation): A business owner refusing to adapt to the internet because "we've always done it this way."

3. Nirrti (Sudden Collapse): A perfectly healthy company completely dissolved by an unpredictable freak accident overnight.

4. Bhaya (Existential Panic): Having millions in the bank but staying awake sweating, terrified you'll somehow go broke.

5. Shoka (Grief Blindness): Being so consumed by a past business failure that you don't see a life-changing deal right in front of you.

6. Krodha (Network Destruction): Breaking a multi-million dollar contract because you threw a temper tantrum at a business meeting.

7. Lobha (The Golden Pauper): Living in a freezing house eating expired canned food because you refuse to spend your vast inheritance.

8. Moha (Addictive Delusion): Receiving a large financial bonus and immediately spending it entirely on toxic addictions.

9. Mada (Ego Isolation): Getting promoted and immediately cutting off all the childhood friends who helped you build your skills.

10. Matsarya (Envy Poison): Ruining your own profitable business out of pure obsession with sabotaging a competitor.

11. Alasya (Lethargic Decay): Letting a brilliantly innovative patent expire purely because you were too lazy to fill out the paperwork.

12. Pramada (Reckless Ruin): Losing your entire life savings because you forgot to read the terms and conditions of a high-risk contract.

13. Dvesha (Malicious Charm-Loss): Being so bitter and vindictive that investors physically avoid sitting in the same room as you.

14. Chinta (Anxiety Freeze): Spending 18 hours a day overthinking a business plan until the market window completely closes.

15. Glani (Vitality Leak): Making money but feeling so physically heavy and drained that you can barely roll out of bed.

16. Kalika (Domestic Chaos): Bringing corporate stress home and starting a massive screaming match with your family over dinner.

17. Shramah (The Hamster Wheel): Working three brutal jobs back-to-back for years but remaining exactly at the baseline poverty line.

18. Bheda (Team Splintering): A corporate partner intentionally whispering rumors to pit employees against one another.

19. Kuhu (False Wisdom): A charismatic spiritual guru using complex jargon solely to extract money from desperate people.

20. Sinivali (Dimmed Instinct): Choosing the exact day a market crashes to invest your entire life savings.

21. Roga (Medical Vault-Drain): Accumulating a massive fortune only to watch it get completely drained by a sudden chronic illness.

22. Shathya (The Trust-Breaker): Cutting corners and lying about material quality, destroying your business's reputation permanently.

23. Karishini-Tamasic (Physical Filth): Living in a luxury penthouse that is completely cluttered, dirty, and physically disorganized.

24. Dhvaushna (Reputation Vanishing): A highly respected CEO getting permanently canceled and disgraced in a single afternoon.

25. Vrishala (Desperation Subservience): Accepting a degrading, highly unethical job position because you have zero savings left.

The 25 Forces of Paapi Lakshmi (Gilded Poison)

26. Kalaha (The War-Zone Mansion): Owning a gorgeous, pristine home where family members only communicate through angry lawyers.

27. Asura (Exploitation Fortune): Making billions by underpaying sweatshop workers and cutting off their basic healthcare.

28. Ghora (The Sanity Sacrifice): Making a $500k corporate salary but requiring heavy sleeping pills and stimulants just to function.

29. Vriksha (The Paranoid Vine): Buying a massive estate but building 15-foot walls because you suspect everyone wants to rob you.

30. Mooha (The Accelerated Descent): A young person inheriting millions and using it to fund a fast, deeply self-destructive lifestyle.

31. Bhramari (The Spinning Mind): Being so rich you can afford any vacation, but your mind spins so fast you can't sit still on a beach.

32. Kapila (The Elite Wall): Growing wealthy and instantly discarding your old friends because they don't drive luxury cars.

33. Karali (Volatile Predation): Making a fortune by aggressively short-selling local businesses during a public crisis.

34. Rina (The Debt Illusion): Posing on social media with rented sports cars and a massive mansion completely funded by toxic loans.

35. Suchi (Clinical Control): A boss whose extreme, aggressive perfectionism causes 90% of their staff to quit every six months.

36. Maya (The Hollow Profile): Buying an incredibly expensive watch you cannot afford just to look rich online.

37. Trishna (The Agonizing More): Checking a $10-million bank account and genuinely crying because it isn't $11 million yet.

38. Atibhoga (Gluttonous Excess): Indulging in hyper-expensive, rich foods until your metabolic and liver health is completely shattered.

39. Garva (Service Humiliation): A wealthy customer screaming at and demeaning a retail worker over a minor, simple mistake.

40. Chanchala-Negative (The Rollercoaster): Making a sudden fortune on a volatile meme stock, then losing it all the very next morning.

41. Taskara (The Fraud Magnet): Accumulating a massive stash of cash that immediately attracts tax audits, scams, and embezzlement.

42. Kuhara (The Fugitive Fortune): Having millions hidden in offshore accounts but living with a constant fear of a police raid.

43. Vivada (The Inheritance Curse): Siblings permanently fracturing their relationships and hating each other over a parent's will.

44. Shunya (The Empty Palace): Sitting alone in a pristine, museum-like smart mansion where nobody laughs or hugs.

45. Bhogya-Tamasic (The Numb Senses): Buying a front-row ticket to the world's best concert but sitting there completely bored and distracted.

46. Vikrita (Cynical Sellout): A brilliant, soulful artist abandoning their true voice to pump out cheap, uninspired commercial art for quick cash.

47. Malina (Corrupt Funding): Using immense corporate wealth to bribe politicians into passing laws that harm the environment.

48. Kritya (Generational Decay): Wealth passed down to grandchildren that makes them deeply spoiled, lazy, and completely unmotivated.

49. Danava (Monopoly Tyranny): A massive tech giant buying out and intentionally crushing every single local mom-and-pop shop.

50. Unmada (Clinical Narcissism): Reaching a high elite status and genuinely believing ordinary human laws do not apply to you.

Part 2: The 50 Light Elements (The Samanya & Punya Matrix)

These represent the everyday functional life forces and the highest spiritual blessings of wealth.

The 25 Forces of Samanya Lakshmi (Everyday Stability)

51. Dhanya (Wholesome Food): Having a kitchen always stocked with fresh fruit, vegetables, and warm bread.

52. Griha (Warm Shelter): A modest, cozy apartment where the roof never leaks when it rains.

53. Vasu (Fluid Currency): Having enough cash in your wallet to cover rent, utilities, and a coffee without worrying.

54. Praja (Healthy Lineage): Raising grounded, kind children who help clean up after dinner.

55. Pashu (Reliable Assets): Owning a simple, dependable car that starts up immediately on a cold winter morning.

56. Vastra (Dignified Clothing): Having a clean, well-fitting suit or dress that makes you feel confident at an interview.

57. Hiranya (Emergency Security): Keeping a family gold ring tucked away as a rainy-day safety net.

58. Khema (Neighborhood Safety): Walking through your neighborhood at midnight without looking over your shoulder.

59. Ayus (Baseline Longevity): Living a long, peaceful life without sudden, devastating industrial accidents.

60. Krishi (Cultivation Joy): Planting a small tomato seed in your balcony garden and watching it bloom.

61. Vanija (Honest Commerce): Trading a fair day's work for a fair day's pay with a boss who respects your time.

62. Vidya-Secular (Marketable Skill): Knowing exactly how to code, build furniture, or bake, ensuring you can always earn a living.

63. Yasha (Local Respect): Neighbors smiling and waving warmly when you walk down the street because you are a good person.

64. Mitra (Loyal Friends): Friends who immediately show up with a truck to help you move apartments for free.

65. Sambhrama (Social Standing): Being trusted by your peers to lead a local community project or group.

66. Tushti (Everyday Contentment): Sitting on a porch on a Sunday afternoon feeling completely satisfied with a cup of tea.

67. Pushti (Physical Fitness): Having strong muscles and stable physical stamina to lift heavy groceries effortlessly.

68. Rati (Romantic Intimacy): Sitting with your partner on the couch, sharing a quiet laugh after a long workday.

69. Dhriti (Patience Anchor): Staying perfectly calm and breathing deeply when stuck in a two-hour traffic jam.

70. Medha (Sharp Intellect): Reading a complex book or technical manual and understanding it on the very first try.

71. Bala (Raw Stamina): Working a demanding 10-hour shift and still having the physical energy to play with your dog.

72. Arogya (Active Immunity): Waking up with a clear throat and high energy while everyone else in the office has the flu.

73. Chaya (Comfortable Rest): Finding a cool, shady tree to sit under on a blistering hot summer afternoon.

74. Sukha (Genuine Joy): A spontaneous belly laugh with old friends over a silly, inside joke.

75. Udyama (Natural Drive): Waking up early with high enthusiasm, genuinely excited to start working on your projects.

The 25 Forces of Punya Lakshmi (Spiritual Sovereign Wealth)

76. Adi Lakshmi (Cosmic Rhythm): Living with a deep, intuitive trust that the universe will always provide exactly what you need.

77. Dhana Lakshmi-Sattvic (Pure Abundance): Earning money so honestly that your wealth brings a palpable sense of peace to your home.

78. Dhanya Lakshmi-Spiritual (Sacred Food): Eating a simple bowl of rice with absolute, tearful gratitude to the earth.

79. Gaja Lakshmi (Self-Sovereignty): Being completely free from corporate manipulation or the need to impress others.

80. Santana Lakshmi-Spiritual (Wise Progeny): A child voluntarily sharing their lunch with a classmate who forgot theirs.

81. Veera Lakshmi (Crisis Courage): Staying absolutely calm, centered, and strong when your business faces a sudden crisis.

82. Vijaya Lakshmi (Internal Victory): Finally breaking a lifelong toxic addiction through sheer spiritual willpower.

83. Vidya Lakshmi-Spiritual (Self-Knowledge): A sudden, beautiful moment during meditation where you realize you are more than your thoughts.

84. Kamala (Divine Sight): Looking at an ordinary, chaotic city street and seeing deep cosmic beauty everywhere.

85. Karishini-Sattvic (Earth Resonance): Stepping onto bare soil after a heavy rain and feeling instantly healed and grounded.

86. Ishvari (Effortless Flow): Thinking about needing a specific mentor, and having them call you out of the blue five minutes later.

87. Karuna (Pure Philanthropy): Anonymously building a free hospital for a village without wanting a single plaque with your name on it.

88. Prasanna (Radiant Aura): Having such a peaceful face that stressed strangers feel instantly relaxed just sitting near you.

89. Shanti (Market-Proof Silence): Remaining in absolute, blissful mental silence even when the stock market is crashing.

90. Bhukti (Nectar Senses): Tasting a plain cup of clean water and experiencing it as the most delicious thing on earth.

91. Mukti (Financial Freedom): Using your investments to permanently retire early so you can focus entirely on spiritual sadhana.

92. Daya (Universal Kindness): Stopping your car on a busy road to gently move a injured turtle safely to the grass.

93. Hrillekha (Cosmic Resonance): Feeling your heart beat in perfect, ecstatic alignment with the natural world around you.

94. Swaha (Joyful Sacrifice): Voluntarily giving up your vacation fund to pay for an underprivileged student's college tuition.

95. Svadha (Ancestral Grounding): Feeling the deep, protective strength of your ancestors guiding your choices.

96. Shraddha (Unshakeable Faith): Having an absolute, solid inner knowing that everything happening to you is for your ultimate growth.

97. Lakshmi-Narayana (Universal Service): Running a business where every single dollar earned is immediately channeled into making the world better.

98. Mangala (The Walking Light): Walking into a gloomy, argumentative office and instantly shifting the mood to warmth and smiles.

99. Bhūmi (Unbreakable Stability): Remaining completely unmoved and smiling whether someone insults you or praises you.

100. Punya (Karma Purifier): Having such a pure heart that people feel their own guilt and anxiety dissolve just by talking to you.

101. The Sovereign One: Paramatnika Maa Lakshmi. MahaLakshmi

The 101st Lakshmi is the supreme anchor of the entire list. She is not a sign, a trait, or an example. She is Maa Lakshmi Herself—the absolute, living Consciousness that holds all 100 variations together.

Is there anyone who knows anything about sandhya language? I just currently know it's very secret language used among very revered tantric and non linear language. Is there any other valuable information available which isn't available on internet?

Jai Mahakal

I recently saw a video of Rajarshi Nandy where he advised chanting the Batuka Bhairava Brahma Kavacham along with Bhairava baba naam jaap upasana.

So I wanted to ask people who are more experienced in Bhairava sadhana or tantra sadhana.

is it safe to chant this kavacham as it contains a lot of beeja akshars (Hrim) ?

As there are many upasaks of Maa Kamakhya here so you guys should know about the significance of tha Kamakhya kshetra and all the devi sadhaks should also visit there.

Reference- Mahabhagwat Devi Puran Chapter 76

Shloka 1

Sanskrit:

श्रीनारद उवाचप्रभो देव जगन्नाथ श्रुत्वा तव मुखाम्बुजात्।गङ्गामाहात्म्यमतुलं पवित्रोऽस्मि न संशयः॥ १॥

English:

Sri Narada said:O Lord, Master of the Universe! Having heard the incomparable glory of the Ganga from your lotus-like mouth, I have undoubtedly become completely purified. (1)

Shloka 2

Sanskrit:

भूयस्ते श्रोतुमिच्छामि माहात्म्यमतिविस्तरात्।कामरूपस्य तीर्थस्य तत् समाचक्ष्व साम्प्रतम्॥ २॥English:

I desire to hear its glory again in great detail. Therefore, please describe to me now the spiritual significance of the sacred Kamarupa Tirtha. (2)

Shloka 3

Sanskrit:

श्रीमहादेव उवाचशृणु सावहितो वक्ष्ये माहात्म्यं मुनिसत्तम।कामरूपस्य तीर्थस्य यत्र साक्षात्स्वयं शिवा॥ ३॥English:

Lord Shiva said:Listen attentively, O best among sages! I shall declare the glory of Kamarupa Tirtha, where Goddess Shiva (Kamakhya) Herself resides in person. (3)

Shloka 4

Sanskrit:

प्रत्यक्षफलदा मर्त्ये स्थानं नास्ति ततोऽधिकम्।यत्र देवाः सगन्धर्वा ब्रह्माद्याश्च सुरोत्तमाः।प्रत्यहं समुपागत्य सेवन्ते भक्तितत्पराः॥ ४॥

English:

It grants immediate results in the mortal world; no place is superior to it. Where gods, celestial musicians (Gandharvas), Brahma, and other supreme deities arrive daily to serve Her with utmost devotion. (4)

Shloka 5

Sanskrit:

योनिरूपा महामाया पूर्णाद्या परमेश्वरी।पृथिव्यां लोकहितार्थाय यत्रास्ते निजलीलया॥ ५॥English:

Where Mahamaya, the supreme Goddess who is completely perfect, resides on Earth in the form of the Yoni (cosmic source), performing Her divine plays for the spiritual welfare of humanity. (5)

Shloka 6

Sanskrit:

यत्राकार्यीत्तपः पूर्वं ब्रह्मा विष्णुस्तथेश्वरः।अभीप्सुर्भगवत्यास्तु कामाक्ष्ये मुनिसत्तम॥ ६॥

English:

O best among sages! In ancient times, Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva performed severe penances at this holy site of Kamakhya, seeking the divine grace of the Goddess. (6)

Shloka 7

Sanskrit:

यत्र कृत्वा पुरश्चर्यां वसिष्ठो मुनिसत्तमः।सिद्धमन्त्रोऽभवत्पूर्वं सृष्टिकर्तेव चापरः॥ ७॥English:

Where the great sage Vasistha, after performing intensive mantra rituals (Purashcharana), mastered the sacred mantras and became powerful like a second creator of the universe. (7)

Shloka 8

Sanskrit:

अव्याहताज्ञा ये चान्ये सिद्धा देवर्षयस्तथा।ते सर्वे मुनिशार्दूल कामाख्यायाः प्रसादतः॥ ८॥English:

O tiger among sages! All other perfected beings (Siddhas) and divine sages whose commands are absolute achieved their status solely through the grace of Goddess Kamakhya. (8)

Shloka 9

Sanskrit:

सिद्धमन्त्राः समभवंस्तत्र जप्त्वा महामनुम्।खेचरत्वमनुप्रापुस्तथा देवाधिपूज्यताम्॥ ९॥English:

By chanting the great supreme mantra at this place, they successfully perfected it, attained the power to travel through space, and became worthy of worship even by the gods. (9)

Shloka 10 & 11

Sanskrit:

योनिरूपां भगवतीं सुगुमां मुनिसत्तम।दृष्ट्वा स्पृष्ट्वा सुसम्पूज्य जीवन्मुक्तो भवेन्नरः ॥ १० ॥विहरेत्पृथिवीपृष्ठे शूलपाणिरिवापरः।निग्रहानुग्रहे शक्तो देवानामपि नारद ॥ ११ ॥English:

O best of sages! By seeing, touching, and properly worshipping the divine Goddess in the form of the Yoni, a person becomes liberated while still alive (Jivanmukta). O Narada, such a person wanders upon the earth like another Shiva (the wielder of the trident), possessing the power to both punish and bless even the demigods.

Shloka 12 & 13

Sanskrit:

तदाज्ञावशगाः सर्वे देवा इन्द्रपुरोगमाः।नासाध्यं विद्यते तस्य मुने लोकत्रये तथा ॥ १२ ॥तस्यैव जन्म सफलं यो गत्वा योनिमण्डले।प्रणमेत्परया भक्त्या देवी त्रिपुरभैरवीम् ॥ १३ ॥English:

All the gods, led by Indra, abide by his commands. O sage, nothing remains impossible for him across the three worlds. The birth of that person alone is truly successful, who goes to the sacred Yoni-mandala and bows down with supreme devotion to the Goddess Tripura Bhairavi.

Shloka 14

Sanskrit:

क्षेत्रस्पर्शनमात्रेण ब्रह्महापि नरः क्षणात्।मुच्यते नात्र संदेहः कामाख्यायाः प्रसादतः ॥ १४ ॥English:

By the mere touch of this sacred land, even a person guilty of the gravest sin (like kil#ng a Brahmin) is instantly liberated by the grace of Goddess Kamakhya; there is no doubt about this.

Shloka 15

Sanskrit:

कामाख्यादर्शनं वत्स देवानामपि दुर्लभम्।तद्यः पश्यति कामाख्यां स देवपरिपूजितः ॥ १५ ॥English:

O dear child! beholding Goddess Kamakhya is difficult to attain even for the gods. Whoever beholds Kamakhya becomes thoroughly worshipped by the gods themselves.

Shloka 16

Sanskrit:

जन्मान्तरसहस्रैस्तु संचितं पापपुञ्जकम्।क्षणेन भस्मसात्कुर्यात्कामाख्यायाः दर्शनम् ॥ १६ ॥

English:

The accumulated heap of sins gathered over thousands of previous births is reduced to ashes in an instant by the mere sight of Goddess Kamakhya.

Shloka 17

Sanskrit:

गोपनीयं त्वया वत्स नान्यत्रैतत्प्रकाश्यताम्।कामाख्यासदृशं तीर्थं नास्त्येव धरणीतले ॥ १७ ॥English:

O child, this must be kept secret by you and should not be disclosed elsewhere. There is absolutely no pilgrimage site equal to Kamakhya on the surface of the earth.

Shloka 18

Sanskrit:

अङ्गप्रत्यङ्गपातेन सत्याः पुण्यतमो मुने।देशो भारतखण्डेऽस्मिन्नृणां पापप्रणाशकः ॥ १८ ॥English:

O sage, due to the falling of the limbs and body parts of Sati, this land within Bharatvarsha (India) has become the most sacred, destroying the sins of humanity.

Shloka 19

Sanskrit:

अङ्गेषु भगवत्यास्तु योनिः श्रेष्ठतमा यतः।योनिरूपा हि सा देवी सर्वासु स्त्रीष्ववस्थिता ॥ १९ ॥English:

Among all the limbs of the divine Goddess, the Yoni is the most supreme. For the Goddess resides in the form of the Yoni within all women.

Shloka 20

Sanskrit:

सा योनिः पतिता यत्र तत्र साक्षात्स्वयं सती।तेन नास्ति समं स्थानं पुण्यदं धरणीतले ॥ २० ॥English:

Wherever that Yoni fell, Sati herself is visibly present there in person. Therefore, there is no place on Earth equal to it in bestowing religious merit.

Very simple question

Can separated girls (not yet divorced), widows, married women, or women in general touch shiv ling ji ? Why or why not.. how do we take his blessings

I just lost my dad a year+ ago n my uncle stopped my mom. I am 33yrs of age, no one has ever stopped us but I can't say I go daily but I truly want to understand the theory behind this now considering there are so many videos n photos circulating of women or couples hugging the shivlingam during abhishekam

🙏🙏

I truly love someone who is pretty much ill. I don't understand death and afterlife. How do I learn about death, what happens after death, and what to do for someone etc....How can I understand death?

If anyone who would like to be part of that space let me know.

But Ganpati Sadhaks only

It's gonna be a space where people can talk and exchange ideas and help each other out in Ganapati Sadhana

Hi all, perhaps this is a pretty niche question, but I was wondering how you all balance this.

Let’s say you have initiation into Gāyatrī through upanayanam, a kuladevata practice (for example, Shiva, with weekly abhiṣekam and related worship), and also a separate iṣṭa devatā.

How do you balance all of these practices? Which do you prioritize, and how? Of course, in this case, Gāyatrī/Sandhyā is mandatory — but do you condense everything else around that, or structure it differently?

It’s hard to find specific guidance on how traditional practitioners actually integrate these things in the West. My family became fairly secularized over the years, so I’ve had to piece a lot of this together on my own, and I’d really appreciate perspectives from people who grew up with these traditions more continuously.

Thank you. Śrī Gurubhyo Namaḥ.

Hi 👋 !

I am doing japa of a few beginner safe naam-mantras/naamavali. I am praying to Maa Durga, Bhairava Baba and Hanuman Chalisa. I am maintaining celibacy for 10 days while I finish my target which I promised Maa I would do.

I started hanuman chalisa and bhairava baba's japa recently.. Maa Durga's namavali I have done multiple times previously.

I do my Puja at night after 12 midnight because I don't want my mom and dad to see me doing puja or they will be like "beta sudhar gaya etc.(my family thinks I am the biggest atheist)". I hate doing puja when people are looking at me. I do my japa at night after switching off all lights after everyone is asleep. Also I do it without mala. Use a counter app in my phone.. If my mom and dad enter my bedroom at night to check me its difficult to hide a mala so I don't use my mala.

After day-1 of adding bhairava baba japa I went out to living room to get some water after the day's japa. Suddenly I saw something which terrified me. I am 100% sure it was NOT Real and in my head but I felt a weird primitive fear.. The kind of fear I used to have when I was a child. I felt terrorized and wanted to just run away to my bedroom. But I decided to stay there only for 2-3 minutes to make sure its my imagination. And then after calming down went to bedroom and slept.

On day-2 in between my japa I again had a similar experience. I got terrified halfway between my japa. I paused for some time to calm down. And then continued again and finished..

All the japa I do are of namaavali or naam-mantras. No beeja, no tantrik mantra..

Is this fear a figment of my imagination ? Why is it happening every day ? Is it something I should pay attention on or should I just ignore and continue doing my japa ?

My take is that since I am a complete newbie I cannot have any experiences and these are just figments of my imagination. But they feel scary as hell. My hairs kinda stand up. I feel sweaty, my muscles feel loose and weak and I feel really warm even in AC.

What I see is a very very dangerous and scary feminine figure with red skin and patterns on face ... she looks really dangerous. I see/imagine this for very less time around 10milliseconds.... just like a flash... but the fear it brings is real. I want to forget about this because I think its imagination and the more I think the more my brain would reinforce the idea..

Jai Maa Bhadrakali. Jai Sri Krishna. This is just a rant,I dont have anyone to talk about this,I have very very small circle when it comes to adhyatm so here I am saying it all out loud.

Its so freaking frustrating to have so many hurdles in an aspiring upasaka's life in today's world. Job,family,marriage all end up sucking all the time and energy,what is left is just exhaustion. I have been a patient of various chronic illness since I was a teenager,both physical and mental,and this ends up complicating everything even more.

I have heard that everyday activity is a sadhana if the mind is pure, but such a thing needs a certain level of consciousness,which I dont have for sure.

Then after all of this when u make some time to pursue anything adhyatmik,there comes rules and need of gurus and confusion all around. I believe now that very people exactly know what they are talking about and that too is mostly a second hand information. I wish someday Baba notices me and guides me in my path,whichever way it has to go. I am just super frustrated. I am sorry guys for this outburst. Please be kind.

I read and heard from many that with Devi Sadhana Bhairav Sadhana is important and goes side by side , yet I have seen in some Guru Sampradaya that they just give Devi mantras only .
So wanted to know is it important to do Bhairav Sadhana along with Devi Sadhana as there is so much info on Internet and can’t trust everything .