u/Postmodern_marxist

First, I would like to introduce myself: I am a 43-year-old Canadian man, married with a 5-year-old daughter. I've never had any contact with the Hindu religion and my knowledge was very limited. I’ve always been a down-to-earth person while remaining fairly open-minded.

A year ago, following a lower back injury, I was doing a binaural meditation where, without understanding why, my fingers formed a mudra (Muladhara) whose meaning I had no idea about. After doing some research, I understood it was for the root chakra, but again, given my limited knowledge, I set that event aside.

One month later, I was using a machine to send electroshocks to my lower back for relief. After an intense and not very recommended use (about 4 hours a day), I did a long 2-hour binaural meditation and suddenly felt my spine fill with a truly intense energy. Shocks of energy continued for long periods, several times a day, accompanied by a state of mind I could describe as ethereal.

Just like during the mudra episode, I researched and started reading about Kundalini. I admit I was scared, and the stories I read were worrying. Being a family man, I couldn't see myself heading toward a future as a monk. The image and what I read about Kali upset me, frightened me, and obsessed me, but I eventually set all that aside, telling myself it wasn't necessarily a Kundalini awakening.

However, this month, after more meditations (it’s a practice I continue to do several times a week), I decided to read more about Shakti. I stumbled upon the image of Lalita, which deeply moved me. I decided to try to get closer to her without knowing what that entailed. I felt she represented a more approachable face than Kali, whose name I was afraid to even pronounce.

I didn't sleep much that night, but around 4:00 AM, I saw a round, highly textured form appear. I let out a scream of fear and surprise that woke my wife. Not knowing how to explain what I had seen, I told her it was nothing. It was only the next day that I realized it was a Rudraksha.

I decided to visit a Hindu temple in my city of Montreal, and although I found it fascinating, I felt lost and without points of reference. Still, I prayed to Lalita in my own way, but a significant event occurred in my family that removed my own mother's mask, making me realize she didn't love me very much and saw me more as a tool. This event made me lose a piece of my identity, especially since it was something I had never perceived before.

Yet, this didn't resemble what I was reading about Lalita, but rather Kali. Now I wonder if I should accept everything and go toward Kali, go toward Lalita, or simply go to the hospital. Can anyone here help me make sense of this?

First, I would like to introduce myself: I am a 43-year-old Canadian man, married with a 5-year-old daughter. I've never had any contact with the Hindu religion and my knowledge was very limited. I’ve always been a down-to-earth person while remaining fairly open-minded.

A year ago, following a lower back injury, I was doing a binaural meditation where, without understanding why, my fingers formed a mudra (Muladhara) whose meaning I had no idea about. After doing some research, I understood it was for the root chakra, but again, given my limited knowledge, I set that event aside.

One month later, I was using a machine to send electroshocks to my lower back for relief. After an intense and not very recommended use (about 4 hours a day), I did a long 2-hour binaural meditation and suddenly felt my spine fill with a truly intense energy. Shocks of energy continued for long periods, several times a day, accompanied by a state of mind I could describe as ethereal.

Just like during the mudra episode, I researched and started reading about Kundalini. I admit I was scared, and the stories I read were worrying. Being a family man, I couldn't see myself heading toward a future as a monk. The image and what I read about Kali upset me, frightened me, and obsessed me, but I eventually set all that aside, telling myself it wasn't necessarily a Kundalini awakening.

However, this month, after more meditations (it’s a practice I continue to do several times a week), I decided to read more about Shakti. I stumbled upon the image of Lalita, which deeply moved me. I decided to try to get closer to her without knowing what that entailed. I felt she represented a more approachable face than Kali, whose name I was afraid to even pronounce.

I didn't sleep much that night, but around 4:00 AM, I saw a round, highly textured form appear. I let out a scream of fear and surprise that woke my wife. Not knowing how to explain what I had seen, I told her it was nothing. It was only the next day that I realized it was a Rudraksha.

I decided to visit a Hindu temple in my city of Montreal, and although I found it fascinating, I felt lost and without points of reference. Still, I prayed to Lalita in my own way, but a significant event occurred in my family that removed my own mother's mask, making me realize she didn't love me very much and saw me more as a tool. This event made me lose a piece of my identity, especially since it was something I had never perceived before.

Yet, this didn't resemble what I was reading about Lalita, but rather Kali. Now I wonder if I should accept everything and go toward Kali, go toward Lalita, or simply go to the hospital. Can anyone here help me make sense of this?

First, I would like to introduce myself: I am a 43-year-old Canadian man, married with a 5-year-old daughter. I've never had any contact with the Hindu religion and my knowledge was very limited. I’ve always been a down-to-earth person while remaining fairly open-minded.

A year ago, following a lower back injury, I was doing a binaural meditation where, without understanding why, my fingers formed a mudra (Muladhara) whose meaning I had no idea about. After doing some research, I understood it was for the root chakra, but again, given my limited knowledge, I set that event aside.

One month later, I was using a machine to send electroshocks to my lower back for relief. After an intense and not very recommended use (about 4 hours a day), I did a long 2-hour binaural meditation and suddenly felt my spine fill with a truly intense energy. Shocks of energy continued for long periods, several times a day, accompanied by a state of mind I could describe as ethereal.

Just like during the mudra episode, I researched and started reading about Kundalini. I admit I was scared, and the stories I read were worrying. Being a family man, I couldn't see myself heading toward a future as a monk. The image and what I read about Kali upset me, frightened me, and obsessed me, but I eventually set all that aside, telling myself it wasn't necessarily a Kundalini awakening.

However, this month, after more meditations (it’s a practice I continue to do several times a week), I decided to read more about Shakti. I stumbled upon the image of Lalita, which deeply moved me. I decided to try to get closer to her without knowing what that entailed. I felt she represented a more approachable face than Kali, whose name I was afraid to even pronounce.

I didn't sleep much that night, but around 4:00 AM, I saw a round, highly textured form appear. I let out a scream of fear and surprise that woke my wife. Not knowing how to explain what I had seen, I told her it was nothing. It was only the next day that I realized it was a Rudraksha.

I decided to visit a Hindu temple in my city of Montreal, and although I found it fascinating, I felt lost and without points of reference. Still, I prayed to Lalita in my own way, but a significant event occurred in my family that removed my own mother's mask, making me realize she didn't love me very much and saw me more as a tool. This event made me lose a piece of my identity, especially since it was something I had never perceived before.

Yet, this didn't resemble what I was reading about Lalita, but rather Kali. Now I wonder if I should accept everything and go toward Kali, go toward Lalita, or simply go to the hospital. Can anyone here help me make sense of this?