Constant state of grief
Hi
Does anyone else feel like they're always in a state of grief, maybe anticipatory?
I don't remember my life but just general things like I went to this school but I can't remember being there, I know I was friends with these people but can't remember being with them etc.
Even in further study I know the degrees and certificates I did but don't actually remember anything I've learned.
Ironically it is so hard to be in the present moment because of being so painfully aware I'll forget.
I have multisensory aphantasia too and diagnosed cptsd and dissociative amnesia though I still worry I don't actually have those since I don't remember.
Naturally I've always journalled and taken lots of photos. My journals got stolen by the one person I trusted and it's not just a violation of privacy but like she stole my memories. I still have some journals left and reading them its like someone else's life even reading from earlier this year there's people mentioned in my journals repeatedly and no idea who it was and it took alot of brain power to figure it out.
It makes me so sad because the people in my life right now, the places I go , things that mean alot to me will eventually just feel unreal if remembered at all.
Recently I've received my entire medical history and psych history notes and I don't remember 98% of it. It was interesting seeing how much people said my stories don't add up and stuff which is probably because I genuinely do not remember. I'm 30 now but even back then it was stated I don't remember, don't feel real etc.
I wish I could just be in the moment and enjoy it while it lasts but so far its just pre grief knowing what I'll lose.
Thankyou for reading