r/SDAM

I'm very new to SDAM and aphantasia - just discovered them and I'm sure they apply to me

There's a lot to contemplate and I've come across one thing, that has just occurred to me, that I haven't seen talked about yet - I'm wondering if it's associated with SDAM.

My wife and I are retired. She's endlessly keen to go away, travelling, visiting new places. I'm keen to do this too, but I'm finding it very disruptive to the projects that I'm working on at home.

Every time I return home from a trip away I struggle to pick up momentum from where I left off. My wife will ask me what my plans are for tomorrow and I'll just say " I'll be trying to find my feet" - it's always the same, it takes me days to find my feet! 😂🤯😳

Does anyone recognise this? Or is it just me? Please don't tell me there's another obscure divergent condition?

Hello everyone! I just discovered SDAM and I really think this is what I’ve been dealing with all my life. I don’t really have many childhood memories. The memories I do have are either because I saw a photo, heard the story, or maybe it was because something out of the ordinary happened. I have a few examples:

1. I remember my cousin “won” a baby chick on Easter which was weird because my family lives in a big city and no one had backyard chickens in the 80’s (I’ve heard about it which triggers the memory), but I have no idea whatever happened to the baby chick, or if he even brought it home.

2): I have a resume, I can remember my former employers and the start/end period of employment, but I can’t remember details about the tasks I previously performed even when it was a long term employer. When I read my own resume I impress myself with my past work, even though I can’t remember how I did those things. I would never be able to recreate my resume if my old one suddenly disappeared.

3): For our mom’s 75th birthday, my two sisters and I bought a beautiful bowl and we each filled it with 25 memories (to total 75) written on paper, then we sat on my sister’s patio drinking wine, and having her draw a memory while we talk about how much fun that story was, etc. I couldn’t come up with 25 memories, and it took me forever to come up with them. My sisters were totally baffled about why it was so hard for me to do this simple task. It was a lot of fun going through all the memories though.

I have a couple of questions for the group:

1. I’ve always felt like people don’t really remember me. I’m always surprised when someone from 10-20 years ago remembers who I am. Perhaps, I’m surprised they remember me because I don’t always remember them? Is this part of it? I had a person I went to elementary school with tell me they adopted my first name as their own because I was so kind to them while they were always bullied. I remember her being a bully target, but I was kind to everyone, and I don’t remember doing anything out of ordinary to have that kind of impact on anyone.

2. Does this explain my imposter syndrome or a “fake it until you make it” kind of a feeling?

3. Is there any particular kind of therapist that can formally diagnose SDAM? Or is it something that a neurologist would confirm? I know there isn’t really any treatment for it. Just hoping I can be evaluated to confirm that I’m not crazy, this is a real thing and I really have it.

I’m sorry this became so long. I’ve only shared my suspicion that I have SDAM with one of my sisters and she says it totally describes me.

I always had problems with my autobiographic memory, but within ... I don't know... A week? 2 weeks? A month? The irony is I can't even tell when it happened. But recently I just flat out lost the ability to percieve autobiographic memories entirely.

I am supposed to schedule a neurologist appointment on Wednesday, so I'm looking forward to that.

On one hand, it isn't like I'm truly disabled by this because my other forms of memory has become sharper. And overall I have this sense of clarity and focus I never had before.

And yet it's new. I don't know how many here has dealt with CPTSD flashbacks + Pure O OCD, but when you deal with that type of mental disorder it is like there is constant noise. And now, there's no noise. There's nothing.

I can feel pleasure but I feel no attachment. I don't feel nostalgia anymore. I don't wanna say "I don't feel emotionally attached to anything" because that's not entirely true, I'd be upset if I were to lose my laptop or job. But I can't form memories with others. I can't form a connection because I can't form memories with them.

It's like everything is in this liminal state where there is this perpetual clarity in regards to everything. I worry that there's just something wrong with me physically. My autographic memory decline was gradual but was expedited after I had surgery I think. I was put under anesthesia. I think that's when my personality began to slowly change, but this year alone my personality and sense of self went through a rapid change.

"The value of an experience isn't measured by how much emotion I can relive later. It's measured by whether it was worth living when it was real."

Experience may differ for every aphants, but, this is what resonates with me.

So after chatting with chatGPT for a while, which I know is bad because first of all its AI and that overdiagnose may and will happen. But it still open up a new perspective for me as an aphants.

I used to think that, travelling, dating, going to concerts, are a waste of time and resource, why? since i would not be able to remember and relive the moment then why bother doing it, why bother wasting money and time for something that I will forget later on, which I feel like make sense before, but then after talking with chatgpt, I guess i might have come to an idea that changes my perspective on my whole life.

It is still true that, i will have no feelings when reliving the moment I went to a concert and sing my heart out, it is also true that after travelling, i would forget 95% of the experience I have, and the money i feel like i 'wasted' to experience something that I will forget anyway.

But, seeing it from another perspective, I feel like life would be a waste if I dont try any of that, or if I dont build the excitement so that it makes a mark in my memory, there is always value in doing anything, be it for the present, or the future.

Live in the moment, that it creates a mark in your memories, so that it does not get carried away by time.

I cycle and have noticed that even though i ride the same routes regularly, i have almost no ability to visualize what's up ahead or visualize what my path home looks like. I have some snapshots/stills of a scene, but can't connect the path from where I am to that scene. People that cycle the same routes describe various places along route or the sequence of places, and I have no ability to see the scenes and pathways they describe especially not in any sequence of what comes first or how they connect. Any other cycling SDAM folks with similar experiences? I don't remember the visual scenery of the ride in much the same way that I don't remember the visual sequence of a tv show. This impacts my ability to navigate without a map or turn by turn directions.

Hello, all! I am 21F, and I’ve never heard of SDAM before today. I’ve been finding it difficult to find a solid description. Though I know with aphantasia there are varying degrees, I wonder if SDAM has the same leniency (for lack of a better word).

I am a full aphant. I do not visualize thoughts, dreams, noises, scents, songs, etc. I do not have an inner monologue, though i struggle to say that, as I’ve still not come to terms with the idea that people can hear voices in their heads.

I have always struggled with memory. Often, I look back at my journal and read about days I genuinely don’t believe happened. I feel that I only “remember” things if I write them down or take a photo and look back on them. It’s like, I don’t consciously tell myself, “This must be real because I can see myself in the picture,” but I almost feel like that happens automatically in my brain as a comfort?

My main deviation with descriptions of SDAM is my PTSD. I have gone through traumatic events that my body remembers, though my brain does not. I have been in situations in the past where I was put in a position that triggered what I call a “flashback state” where my body enters into a panic attack, and in this state, I couldn’t tell you what event I’m remembering, just that I know it is a trauma response. I may be able to place the type of trauma (i.e. sexual, physical) based on the position or specific trigger, but otherwise, I’m lost.

I wonder if anyone else with aphantasia experiences this and identifies with SDAM.

Is this phenomenon universal with people with SDAM or just something that I have?

I have read that us with SDAM are less susceptible to false memories, which is quite logical once you read up on how episodic memory works. What I have understood is that for people with episodic memory, the actual memory can change every time they remember the event - they are somehow creating new content to the memory after the fact. For me false memories seemed strange already before I found out about my SDAM and I have personally never really understood what false memories really are supposed to be like

Now to my actual question: I feel like my memory "accuracy" goes a step further - I claim to be pretty much "infallibly" able to distinguish between the following categories in all my autobiographical memories: (for this I will use my graduation day 23 years ago as an example of an autobiographical memory)

1. Things I know for "certain": "On my graduation day from "high school" (23 years ago) I went to "nightclub X" for the afterparty". Nothing special happened there, I don't 100% remember who I was with, what time we went there etc. but I know that I went to that specific place, on that specific day. I know for a fact that I am not mixing it up with any other day and no matter how much suggestion from other people there would be to the contrary, that would not change that I know that I went there on my graduation day.

2. Things I know that I "assume" / "infer" to be true but have actually no memory of - I don't remember my father being at my graduation. However, we had a great relationship and he was a good father so it is quite likely that I would have stored it to memory had he missed my graduation --> therefore I assume that he was there but have no actual memory of that. Therefore if someone asked me "were your parents at your graduation" I would answer "Yes". If I were presented with proof that he wasn't there I would immediately change my perception of that and would have no trouble with that.

3. Things I know that I am not certain of, even though I have some sort of memory - I "remember" that our family dog, who was a bit rowdy, was sent to my older brothers apartment for the reception we had for family and friends at our house. I am however not 100% certain that it was for this event, I just remember that there was some event where that happened and I somehow combine it with my graduation. Also, the timeline would check out. However, I know that there is a chance that I am mixing it up with some other event. If my mother would now say that it was for her 50 year birthday party and not my graduation when this happened I could believe her and be quite ok with that.

My claim is that I can do this for absolutely all of my autobiographical memories, I have deliberately gone through the very few autobiographical memories I have and I have no trouble distinguishing between 1-3 for all those memories.

Also, as time goes by I am quite sure that things may drop down from "1" to "3" but I am pretty damn certain that there is no way that something could move from "3" to "1" or "2" to "1" after the fact. Also, I do think that once a year or two has gone by and I still remember the event I don't think that things that are in category "1" ever leave that category.

However, I do want to emphasise the fact that as I have SDAM, I don't have a lot of those Category "1" memories and in general I remember quite little from specific events. But when I do remember, I have no trouble grouping the details into the above categories

My spouse has a hard time believing that this is how my mind works and she does not really believe me. A couple of my friends I've talked to with "normal" episodic memory also claim that they have no such ability. Is this something that we all SDAM-people have or is this something specific to me?

Hi

Does anyone else feel like they're always in a state of grief, maybe anticipatory?

I don't remember my life but just general things like I went to this school but I can't remember being there, I know I was friends with these people but can't remember being with them etc.

Even in further study I know the degrees and certificates I did but don't actually remember anything I've learned.

Ironically it is so hard to be in the present moment because of being so painfully aware I'll forget.

I have multisensory aphantasia too and diagnosed cptsd and dissociative amnesia though I still worry I don't actually have those since I don't remember.

Naturally I've always journalled and taken lots of photos. My journals got stolen by the one person I trusted and it's not just a violation of privacy but like she stole my memories. I still have some journals left and reading them its like someone else's life even reading from earlier this year there's people mentioned in my journals repeatedly and no idea who it was and it took alot of brain power to figure it out.

It makes me so sad because the people in my life right now, the places I go , things that mean alot to me will eventually just feel unreal if remembered at all.

Recently I've received my entire medical history and psych history notes and I don't remember 98% of it. It was interesting seeing how much people said my stories don't add up and stuff which is probably because I genuinely do not remember. I'm 30 now but even back then it was stated I don't remember, don't feel real etc.

I wish I could just be in the moment and enjoy it while it lasts but so far its just pre grief knowing what I'll lose.

Thankyou for reading

Ever since finding out about having sdam and aphantasia, one of my main focuses was how to undestand others better regarding how they deal with me. I have always been very caring and careful with words and being honest in actions towards people. But in multiple situations, Ive seem to have left people that I valued. People that had a good thing going with me, regardless what sort of relations we had, are just left with the feeling that the importance I created was just plain words that i dont follow up on. Obviously there are plenty of reasons for something going wrong between people but im speaking about cases with no actual reason. And then with absence for a while comes the feeling of detachment. I know someone was important, that we had a good thing going but im not recalling any feeling, few to no memories and mainly guilt that I got myself in this position by not actively trying to keep the contact alive in the present.
I alway assumed, which partly is like this i guess, that its normal that people go through periods of dealing with their life in good or bad ways, and never felt like judging anyone that is absent from my life nor allowing the absence to change whatever we have going. But now clearly understanding that its my way of functioning and im judging this based on my own apporach, I was wondering if there are main points im missing out when trying to put myself in this other persons shoes?

I've been thinking about the difficulty I have in forming habits, and wondering whether SDAM is related to this.

My boyfriend has a strict routine when he wakes up to go to work, and he is visibly disturbed when his habit is disrupted. I watch this with interest, because I've never created such a durable routine, and when I have created positive habits, such as walking or riding my bike, it's extremely easy for me to let them go.

Now, I have lots of bad habits, but these tend to be habits that stop me in my tracks rather than moving me forward, and mostly are addictions.

I guess that I am wondering whether the reinforcement aspect of habit formation is different for us.

Thoughts?

My name is Wyatt Cook. I've researched SDAM for about a year now, and I have finally finished a cohesive, 32 page paper about SDAM, Aphantasia, and trauma. As a disclaimer, this paper is HIGHLY dense and stock-full of technical jargon. If anyone would ever be interested, I could always write a short, 5-10 page paper in plain English about SDAM and how it interacts with trauma. If you all are interested, the paper is published on Medium, and can be found here using the link above. Thank you all!

How do you guys just do it? Having to come to terms with your memory loss.. it's just so terrifying to me.

I, 16 AFAB nonbinary have gone through multiple traumas, being physically, financially, sexually, emotionally/mentally abused in every kind of way by everyone I met. And because of all the trauma, I couldn't go through life normally. Due to my trauma and emotional suppression, I started developing memory loss subconsciously as my own body's coping mechanism. My trauma was constant, and I'm gonna be honest my life is horrible with no escape. Which is mostly why my body just started pressing "shut down" on every single memory I could get and it's ruined my life. My body has started forgetting everything in my life to forget about my trauma and past, my trauma was just so bad that my body and brain had to forget everything for my own safety, and if I remembered my traumas in detail, I would honestly and LITERALLY go insane. It's honestly the only reason why I'm still alive but, I can't learn anything, I forgot my own mother tongue, and I even forget my own best friend's name. it fills me up with so much guilt whenever someone comes up to me happily until I ask them "wait, who are you again?". I forget everything, I had a best friend who supposedly died early on in my childhood, and I can't even remember a single thing about her, and it fills me up with so much guilt knowing I forgot someone that was so close to me and makes me wonder if I'm gonna forget about my current loved ones too, I can't learn, I can't even count without forgetting where I was and having to recount ("1, 2, 3, 4, 5... Wait, where was I again? Oh right, nine. Wait, is that right? Ugh, let me just restart!" over and over again). I forget to take care of myself and I'm slowly losing my skill in my favourite games due to my memory loss. My memory loss has been tearing apart my life for years and I can't do anything about it. That's unless if I even do anything about it. I don't know if this sounds delusional, but it feels like I'd rather forget everything about my life than remember everything in detail. I would go through trauma again and forget about it a day later, and I've even forgotten certain bad memories for a month or even up to two years without remembering it once, there was even a time I thought I had absolutely no trauma at all and lived a happy healthy life cause of how much I forgot everything. Despite my traumas I would go through life overwhelmingly positive, stupid, cheerful, charming and really funny, and honestly from the first glance people would think I'm a healthy person, but as soon as a small thing happens, and it reminds me of something I've forgotten and wanted to stay forgotten, everything crashes down. My personality has dwindled down horribly from the memory loss too, as I am a pretty smart, pessimistic, analytical and extremely observant person, I would instantly know what someone's truly thinking just by how they type, their intentions, what their life story may possibly be, and I have even felt someone's presence around stalking me silently and called them out even with no evidence but just a gut feeling in which I was right and also freaked someone out by immediately knowing what they wanted to say by them just messaging me "uh". But my personality has absolutely dwindled down from memory loss, as I can't even keep one personality, my intelligence, skill, and more has completely disappeared from how much I lost memory, but at the same time there's small periods where I would just lock in. You know how personality is based off your experiences? It's like my personality changes based off what I currently remember and currently dont.

Honestly, I know this isn't healthy, but I'd honestly feel like I'd stay in my memory loss for my own safety than change for the better and that is remembering everything. Do you guys think this too? How do you guys even cope with memory loss?

I am asking this here because I've been wondering if anyone else here has a similar issue. We all know that we've had tendencies to end up with a pwBPD, and also have some form of autism, ADHD, depression, or anxiety. They fill holes for us we didn't know we really had, or we are unable to see the red flags because of our empathy or lack of social understanding.

I have a condition called Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory. It causes issues in how i remember my past and I have a hard time replying memories from an experience standpoint, so i will remember information like, "they manipulated me in this situation and verbally abused me", but I have no ability to remember how that felt. The strangest thing is that my present nervous system remembers it in the moment when experiencing a trigger but it almost blind sides me every time and its been getting harder to anticipate triggers to deal with them.

I was wondering if any of you have a similar issue and what you've done to maybe help recollect memories in a way to identify triggers.

I’m taking a university degree, and worried that when I get a job in my field and I need to apply my learning, I won’t be able to because I don’t remember details of what I learned, just the gist. I know I have SDAM but is this just a situation of having a poor memory all ‘round? It feels slightly different than just a lack of episodic memory. Has anyone with SDAM been in this situation and it’s worked out? Or hasn’t? Any tips or thoughts?

Just a quick request for everyone here...

There are a LOT of acronyms out there, SDAM being our unifying one here.

But just for the sake of inclusion, can we maybe all be mindful that acronyms are only useful shorthand if people know what they stand for - otherwise they become a barrier to understanding. Not everyone is up to date with all psychological shorthand.

Perhaps if using an acronym in a post, other than SDAM we could write the full terminology just once at the start?

I've lost count of the number of times I've had to open another tab and Google an acronym, or just given up on a post as it looks like alphabet spaghetti.

If nothing else, it helps others and makes the community more accessible to newcomers.