r/SDAM

Hi. Don't know if this applies at all but Reddit recommended the subreddit because of previous memory related posting. Large chunks of life (almost everything) feel like they're missing or weird and vague. Should mention for transparency that we're (extremely likely to be) a plural system (different people different names different views and preferences and opinions and interests and handwriting etc) and dissociative but still wanted to get perspectives from people so we're here too.., (especially since no proper diagnosis has been possible yet due to lacking resources, search ongoing)

There are 0 memories that could be described as vivid everything is more knowledge that something happened with maybe a few impressions. There are memory differences between system members but confusing to figure out. At times it feels like there is a static or a fog and when something is remembered the brain will often immediately go "???" And the memory is slippery and not graspable. Family and friends will feel unfamiliar only basic knowledge of who they are, same with places. (Emotional attachment will be gone. But only for specific alters). Time is missing the brain is like a sieve and everything is a fog. 0 emotional attachment to many memories for most of us if we are capable of thinking of the memory (including known distressing events). Family friends and others will often talk about events that there is no memory of. They will sometimes get confused when that lack of memory is revealed. Sometimes reminders can happen but it can also happen that those reminders cause a blockage to be hit so the memory is slippery again. Just now learned about the existence of this though,a nd now there is a confusion on whether this experience is anything like yours or if the memory thing is something else (dissociative amnesia? Unsure). It is unclear where the difference is, sorry for the ignorance, want to learn. Also apologies for how the post is written since today has been very strange.

There is always insistence on taking photos and also sometimes writing notes.

It is unclear because some parts of what people write on here seem relatable collectively and yet the severity or something is dependant on the fronter so it could be something else.

If this sounds nothing at all like sdam then we apologize and will remove the post, just wanted to hear opinions.

I find that my memories most resemble a list of google reviews, or like game tooltips that appear when you hover over an item, location, or person, the author of which I trust only as much as the temporal distance between myself and the person who experienced it.

Endless versions of myself mentally penning down thoughts for those who come after, in the hope that a future being may one day choose the right restaurant or hang out with the right people or make the right decision such that one of us may, one day, have lived the very best day of our collective life.

Damm why we remember embarrassing things from years ago so clearly but forgot what we ate yesterday? Is there a actual reason our brain remembers certain embarrassing moment for so long 😭😭😭😭😭😭

i have trouble recalling interactions and memories, especially from my childhood (middle school and some of high school as well). whenever someone asks me if i remember something i either don’t remember at all or it’s very hard for me to remember the details or actual events, sometimes i remember it happened but not what happened. other times i can see a faint image of a memory but that’s it. i also find myself not fully being present, like my mind is somewhere else, in my day to day whereabouts. it’s like i’m on autopilot mode - working normally but inside i’m taking the backseat. I don’t take any medications or have had any major injuries/health problems and i am a biology student who works in healthcare so it’s not like i have trouble retaining information, i am also not stressed or have had any traumatic experiences during childhood.

My brain will happily replay something cringey I did in 2014 at full volume while I'm trying to sleep, but the reason I walked into the kitchen just now is gone forever. Is there an actual explanation for why old embarrassment sticks but short term stuff evaporates?

Or is that with sdam? I feel like if I didn't see people I wouldn't remember them at all. So many people have all these memories and I can't picture anyone. The only way I remember to call people is if I set an alarm or see our pictures but I don't recall being in that moment. Out of sight out of mind- obviously I care for these people but for some reason I can't for the life of me see anything. My ex passed away about ten years ago- I can't see his face or even remember feelings until I watch a video of us or read a conversation.

I've been thinking about SDAM as it relates to Derek Parfit's surgery thought experiment. The thought experiment basically asks if you could choose to be someone who had an extremely painful 10 hour long surgery yesterday, for which no anesthesia could be administered, but were given a drug directly afterward that completely erased it from your memory, or a person who was going to experience an extremely painful 1 hour long surgery tomorrow, for which no anesthesia could be administered, but you would be given a drug to erase it from your memory directly afterward, which would you choose?

People greatly prefer the first option, which involves a lot more experienced pain, as would I. This is how I already experience life, in a way, though. Past pains, emotional and physical, don't carry any present weight. This seems a great benefit when considered in limited scope.

However, there are also a lot of negatives. For one, it removes the ability for me to calibrate expectations. Not knowing how things felt in the past makes it so I can't predict how they will feel in the future and though I can tell myself I experienced X in the past and it wasn't that bad I have no frame of reference for what not that bad means. This can lead to a lot of dread around things like medical procedures or expected emotional stressors.

The thought experiment also makes me question, if the surgery is in the past and there is no memory of it, what does it mean to say you experienced it? It is functionally no different than it not having happened at all. This leads me to wonder what I can claim to have experienced. Have I lived 58 years of life with no valid experiences? Because, as I sit in my apartment alone, I don't know what it feels like to experience reciprocal love, have I functionally never been loved? What does it mean to know something has happened but not be able to know how it felt? It is like Mary in her black and white room, knowing every scientific fact about the color red but never having seen it. Can she say she has experienced the color red?

This new memory study seems like it could be relevant to SDAM.

Researchers basically found that memories can survive even after a huge amount of the synaptic structure associated with them disappears.

What seems to matter may be the larger pattern or architecture that remains, not preserving every individual connection.

Which made me think about SDAM.

How does everyone handle moments where you feel like your memory fails you or that things pop in that question what happened?

I don't know what is wrong with me. It seems like my executive functioning and working memory are offline. I can't seem to remember what happened yesterday and I can't seem to think flexibly. For instance I have a pocket knife and I was trying to force the blade in for like 10 minutes than somebody came by and simply flipped the blade the other way. If that's not bad enough this is the second time this happened in a couple of weeks. You would think I'd remember after being shown already. Or at least think "oh this isn't working let me try something else. Another example: I was showering for a month and the water wouldn't drain because it was clogged. My girlfriend looked at it for a second and diagnosed it as a clogged drain. Another example: at work Everytime we lift something heavy there is a specific method step1) grab the wheelbarrow and place heavy item in it step 2) transport heavy item to trailer. But every time this happens I try and carry it myself and my coworkers remind me to get the wheelbarrow. This has happened like 25 times. I just stand around at work and do nothing I overcomplicate simple problems. If the problem is super simple I'll assume it has to be more complicated then someone shows me and I feel like a retard. Maybe I am retarded. I can't remember any of the old movies I've seen back in the day. I wish you could see how I operate on a day to day basis then you might understand. I think there might be some neurological damage or maybe the meds I'm taking. The weird part is that I haven't always been this way. This is a new development. I remember about a year ago just slowly losing my mind. I still have a mind and a personality especially around people I'm close with but executive functioning is non existent and I just don't get it.

First I want to highlight that I'm not looking for medical advice. I'm just doing this out of curiosity, for fun, shits and giggles, let's say. I have SDAM but over the past couple of years I've started to experience something super weird that I've never heard about before. I can't tell if something has already happened or if it's about to happen.

Don't get me wrong. I'm fully aware that I can't foretell the future. I just mean that my brain thinks it knows what will happen. Like I'm watching a movie and I know what's about to happen.

I'm 35 now, quite healthy. I've been diagnosed with ADHD but I'm not taking any medication (thanks, Eastern Europe!). Chronologically, things developed as follows.

First I realized my serious memory problems. When it comes to facts, my memory is OK. But I don't remember life experiences. Almost zero over the past 10 years. In addition, I forget tasks that I've done. Not ones that I have to do, but ones I have completed. I design some things for my work and multiple times now, when I move I file to the folder when it's ready, I see there's already a file like that! And the information is 99% the same as the other file. I've probably wasted so much time doing the same things. So now before I decide to compile something, I check and most of the time I've already done it. So I've adapted and learned to avoid this issue.

Another funny or actually scary thing is when I need to buy something and I put it off... This year I finally went to town and to the center and to that high end store and bought a garlic press. I'd been putting it off for months. When I got back home and put it in the drawer....... I saw there were two more there. Exactly the same. It was like a scene from a horror movie. I was stunned. Literally in shock. Since then I've been meticulous about shopping and to-do lists so I largely avoid fiascos like that.

Fast forward - the latest problem that appeared is that I will sometimes get to a moment in my daily life where I'm sure I know what will happen next. And it does happen. Again - what I mean is it feels like I knew it would happen. I realize that this is some trick that my mind plays on me. For example, I'm talking to a friend. I think "next he'll tell me about those tickets he has bought" and he does tell me. Or "during this hike, the next thing that I'll see after that hill is a river and a bridge" and I do see that, even though I've never been to that trail before. My only explanation is that my brain rewires the experience as a past one while it is being written. I can't explain it exactly. And maybe I'm wrong anyway. Now I don't even know "this is that thing that happened... Or that hasn't happened yet?" I feel very confused. Some things look familiar even though I am 100% sure I've never seen them. Places especially. At the same time I struggle finding my way around places I should know like the back of my hand. Like my old hood, for example.

Does this thingie have a name? It doesn't affect my functioning too much, I've found ways around it, but it feels funny. Especially when I'm hiking or exploring.

¿Ustedes usan lo del diario y escriben sus emociones?

O simplemente dejan que la vida siga su rumbo?