Wondering if SDAM has a direct link to how I view myself and the world
Howdy. I'm thankful Reddit's algorithm finally brought me to this sub. I'm a 30+ male who just last month realized that I may have aphantasia. Before long I stumbled upon articles talking about the potential relationship between SDAM and aphantasia. I used to be really skeptical about any kind of psychiatric self-diagnosis because I saw many people read a tiny portion of DSM-5 and immediately start tweeting rashly about all kinds of conditions, basically practicing astrology with a psychiatric flavor.
But the description of SDAM just catches the vague question that has lingered over my entire life, one I didn't have the words to describe until now. I can't help but think I'm probably on the spectrum. Maybe I'm overthinking it or overemphasizing its importance, but I feel both amazed and greatly unsettled by how much my way of viewing and interacting with the world has been potentially affected, or even defined, by SDAM for the last 30+ years without me clearly identifying its existence.
For example, I always thought people exaggerated the attractiveness of traveling. I used to complain to my friends and partner all the time that I deemed people passionate about traveling a bit untrustworthy; they seemed to have the bad habit of over romanticizing foreign cultures and scenery, while cooler-headed people like myself could see right through the romanticized filter and conclude that most travel may not be worth the cost. But now I'm thinking that maybe the whole concept of traveling is naturally of less value to me personally because I have a hard time reliving the experience and remembering it in vivid detail. Maybe I actually have no idea how other people perceive the experience, let alone how to judge their perception on its merit. Maybe people actually enjoy reminiscing their travel memories while I can only think of how much money and time it costs me without the remembering all the interesting places visited.
I suspect SDAM also contributes to the formation of my relatively nihilistic view of life, as I often feel detached from the world and the people in it. All the connections I form with others always seem a bit inconstant and fleeting and unreliable. I had a very difficult time socializing with peers in college, as I struggled to remain motivated to maintain relationships once the initial social event was over. Even to this day I can only maintain a very tiny social group (1~2 close friends), and I still sometimes feel like I don't know or trust these guys after a prolonged period of not meeting with them.
Moreover, a lack of detailed memory may result in a more acute and constant sense of an uncertain identity and meaninglessness. Sometimes I confused such feelings with emo nonsense (when I was a teenager) or an indication of depression (as an adult), but such feelings have persisted for so many years that nowadays they are just like a backdrop to my daily life.
Another thing that occurred to me today is that when I first read existentialist novels such as L'Étranger (The Stranger) by Albert Camus or La Nausée (Nausea) by Sartre during my high school years, I felt that the protagonists and their emotionless, detached narratives were weirdly relatable. They are both uncertain or indifferent about whether their past actually exists, feel that their characters lack a story arc, and desperately try to seize or enjoy the present to the fullest to counter the void of their past. I suspect these characters may be (partially) inspired by experiences of or similar to SDAM.
After reading about SDAM, I started wondering: while all these existentialist philosophers try to establish their worldviews based on concrete and universally understandable rationale, how much of their philosophy is actually the result of their uniquely configured minds and experiences that aren't shared by the majority of people? Such thoughts deeply unsettle me because I can't help but wonder whether such a realization makes those schools of thought less credible or valuable, as they are trying to rationalize something that is actually intrinsic to a very specific type of human and not rationalizable for others...
Sorry that I'm basically rambling here. Finding a therapist with knowledge of aphantasia and SDAM doesn't seem like an easy task; for now I can only rely on information and discussion on the internet to try to learn more about these conditions. I don't necessarily think they are as severe as other life-altering disabilities, but I don't know what the long term implications of having SDAM are, and in the meantime I suspect many of my core personality traits or beliefs were heavily affected by the experience configured by these conditions without me knowing them for the past 30+ years, so I feel a bit uneasy. However this could also be a key to more effective therapy or self reflection in the future, so I'm hopeful but also kind of scared and unsettled right now.
Do any of you feel like SDAM has a direct link to, or acts as a direct cause of your life view, philosophy, or religious/atheistic beliefs? Does that kind of thought recontextualize how you see yourself?