Relapse after long term sobriety
Hi friends- the title says it all. I got sober very young after hitting some really hard bottoms through Alcoholics Anonymous. I was 22 when I surrendered- I went through the work 3x , absolutely had a spiritual experience in which the desire to drink was removed from me, sponsored other women, engaged with service and YPAA, etc. AA saved my life. I stayed sober for 7 years, but looking back I’d say around year 4 I began to drift slowly. I always remained going to meetings, but I stopped raising my hand, started saying “no”, I stopped doing the work. The last thing to go was prayer. It was slow burn at first, but what they say about the mental relapse preceding the first drink is true. I ended up drinking for 4 days and once again the people in AA and my higher power absolutely saved my ass. I’m so lucky to have made it back in general and I thank God that it was a short relapse.
I’m struggling deeply with coming back into the rooms and identifying as a “newcomer”. I love AA but I deeply disagree with the emphasis we put on time and the shame of “starting over”. It feels way too black and white. I view my recovery as a journey which started Oct 3, 2018 with a recommitment on June 10, 2026. I have newcomers calling me a newcomer and my pride and ego are HURT. I think this runs a bit deeper than just ego though.
My father was a member of AA- 26 years of sobriety. I watched him do the same thing I did. I grew up with him taking men through the BB at my kitchen table- (AA quite literally raised me and im thankful for him because he is why I was able to find the solution at such a young age). My dad stopped doing the work, drank after 26 years, and made the ultimate sacrifice they talk about in the BB. He took his own life. Now that I am experiencing walking back into AA, having to ask God to give me humility (OUCH), listening to newbies call me new, watching the kids with a couple years tell me what to do- I can only imagine the shame and fear he must’ve felt when he was trying to get back into the rooms. It’s making me more and more resentful towards AA. There have been moments where I blame AA for his death. Thank God my sponsor has me back in the work and im working on my 4th step now, definitely finding some truths with God that I apparently glossed over my last few times going through the work. I know this isn’t how AA was meant to be- nowhere in our text does it talk about counting time and starting over. It tells me that I have a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. (Which yes I failed to do - surprise surprise!). I’m grappling with humility. I want to show up HUMBLE and have a new experience. My own shame is amplifying the shame im feeling in the rooms. The bottom line is im lucky to be back. Many don’t even get that chance.
If im being honest, I loved being able to say “hi im ***, alcoholic. I got sober when I was 22, it’s possible.” And now because I drank for 4 days out of the last 2832 days I don’t get to say that? I went to a meeting last night where half the meeting was us going around the room saying our sobriety dates. THAT HURT. deeply. Then I decided to fellowship with some people from a YPAA meeting and I had a girl with 10 months tell me “omg I shouldn’t be hanging out with all newcomers!” I snapped and told her im not a newcomer. I’m back. It’s a day. it really is just a day. My recovery today- having taken an HONEST 1,2,3- currently working on 4- is worlds stronger than it was at 6.5 years sober. Thank you all for being a part of this group. The bottom line is AA has saved my life time and time again- it gave me a life. In my 7 years of sobriety the obsession was removed early (and yes , it does come back once we stop doing the work), I became a RN, I bought a house, there were days I could sit with self and feel serenity. I’m angry at myself. I’m angry at AA. Here’s an analogy - im an RN- I make a mistake at work and learn from it and become a better nurse for it. Does that mean im a new grad again? No. So why do we treat people in the rooms like this? Any thoughts/ experience would be so appreciated.