Just a post to bring any positive stories from people who are with enmeshed partners.
Positive stories on breakthrough, setting boundaries, finally see what it is and creating a back bone.
Anything.
I am with a enmeshed partner with is family of origin. We are 3 months into couple therapy and I am working on dropping the rope. His family excommunicated me, a few event blocked me since they are firm believers that I am manipulating him and that everything is about me.
Anyhow, we had a blow out about 2 months before my bday and his whole family did not reach out to me for my bday except for 2 people. His nephew who genuinely loves me and is the black sheep of the family wished me a warm happy bday, he event saw me when he visit 2 weeks ago and wanted to spend the day with me.
Another is his siter who sent a 2 min vn (which she sent to may partner first and then he told her to send it to me) where she states she is wishing me a happy bday because her parents taught her how to be humble and appreciative. She then proceeded to say it is never to late to start over again, that she is not going to name the incident that passed, and she wish me luck in my business, through in there a bit of digs and passive aggressive comment.
Today is her Bday. I do not know if to reach out and simply say "Happy birthday" or not reach out at all since i am dropping the rope.
Love to hear your advice
Has anyone went through this?
So I am with an enmeshed man with this family of origin, something I found out the terms to the last few months.
We are currently in couples therapy and myself in individual therapy.
After years of this dynamics, I feel like I am going crazy.
I am hypervigilant and anxious. I have good and bad days.
What gets to me the most is that I dont know if I they are doing gaslighting / gult triping/ DARVO/ love bomb/ breadcrumbs. Which i am pretty sure they are. I am constantly also silence by violent out burst and him threating to end the relationship.
When I state how I feel about things, the paper quickly turn about how I am gulting him and he is now the victim. He constantly says that he takes me in decision making but somehow things goes his way and I end up being left alone.now I dont know if I am also guilt tripping my partner or manipulating the situation.
Its to the point that I think maybe I do these things and have became a narcissist. I am always being told that I am controlling (which i do I guess in a way to control the situation) manipulating and trying to dominate my partner and every situation in life as a protagonist by his family.
Has anyone been through this? Is this normal? Or is this part of the healing process? Or are things getting worse?
Did anyone experience this?
I want to thank this group for the knowledge share and keeping everyone sane during the hard times.
I have heard so much of the enmeshed family when they are not so friendly but has anyone lived with happy compliance family? Where it is all love bombs, never talking about hard emotions, never any arguments. Everyone is happy and love to be around each other.
How did you finally see it was an issue?
How did you realize you didn't have an identity due to them?
How was the family when you finally but boundaries down?
So I am in a 10 plus year relationship with my 50M who is enmeshed with multiple member of his family of origin.
We are currently in couples therapy ( 2.5 months) and he is making some progress. Background story, his family is a happy compliance and he avoids/shut down/ or become defensive in any upsetting conversation.
I carey a lot of weight withing the relationship, one being the person who brings all tough conversation to the table.
This morning I asked him to assist brining the hard conversation to the table, that I feel that I am constantly going to him to talk about the hard stuff. He said okay he will do it. The problem is that he constantly agrees to thing knowing he csnt so it because he does not want to argue.
This is where I decided to press him a bit. I asked him what he thinks and feel, if he saw it the way I see it. I did say that I always have to come to him. So I ask the questions again, because I do not want him to just blindly agree to me. I want to hear his thoughts on it, how he feels and etc. You know, have an actual conversation. This is when he snaps ( he tends to be o to 100% right away) he said what the hell do i expect from him. Why do I constantly have to poke poke poke ( he started banging the dinning room table) and how i like to poke a wound. That he genuinely believes i like to poke and make him feel hurt. I stayed calm , spoke calmly, ais a slow and low voice and said that I am calm and that the only reason why I am asking is to make sure he is simply hear this thoughts and his feeling and to give him a chance to say anything. He then said he did t have anything to say and got up from the table and left.
I dont know if anyone else is dealing with this? Is it normal for them to snap and be slightly aggressive.?
All this makes me feel like I am the one manipulating him and scrambling his head. I feel like I am surviving one day at a time while trying to make progress with him and unscramble my mind.
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I would like to hear stories of your break up and or divorce after being with an enmeshed partner.
How did it feel?
How did you feel?
How is your life now?
I am 37F and my partner is 50M enmeshed with multiple .members of his family. They have a happy compliance enmeshment family dynamic. They also manipulate using love nombing and the niece ( who is 29) tells me to not let me take away her ownly uncle.
We started therapy about 2 months ago, and the therapist does not want me to mention family.
The therapist is focusing on :
He said that there is so many of them ( 2 sister, one brother, two niece, and a few nephew) that his strategy is to create a protective bubble around me and the relationship, and have his family absorb a portion of him.
It is also the fist time that he see that even though my partner is enmeshed with them, he is also trying to enmeshed with me. Its whoever has the strongest pull.
I am currently NC with about 90% of the family since the sister told me I am manipulative, controlling, and a protagonist. She kicked me out of all the family group and told me off in front of my mom. Worse she add her children partner to the group chat (youngest is 29,) and they now reach out to him saying uncle we miss and love you. She also is telling other family member to not let me destroy the family.
My partner only said that's how she feels and he doesn't want to get involved. That the whole family is upset with me. He is also incapable of making a negative comment of his family even when his 29 year old niece got pregnant form her sister ex-boyfriend and had an abortion.
My therapist hopes that as he removes the villian hat on me and my partner comes out the trance and set small boundaries, the dynamics will intensify, they will push back and me partner can see the family as they are .
Its all confusing as one time he will say they are non negotiable, or he won't do any compromising with them and others that I'd he has to work with his relationship with his family he will work on it. He came back after I kicked him out, he wants to go to therapy, he pick the therapist and is paying for weekly session. He has not missed a session in this time. He is on daily calls and chats with everyone.
I would like to get in contact with anyone that had success breaking through, hear your story.
how long it took? Are they still NC ? Is your partner LC or NC?
In the meanwhile., I am messed up and am going to therapy. I want to be strong enough to leave this relationship in a year before I am consumed.
Hello everyone.
I am 37F and my partner 50M is enmeshed with his family (sister/brothers and nieces). We just started couples therapy a month and a half ago and I have my own personal therapist. I'll provide my background story in a different post.
I have a few questions regarding the recovery portion.
1- What does the low contact look like in terms of daily life - phone (text and chats) and physical activity?
2- What led your partner to go LC?
3- How did he feel when he finally understood it was enmeshment with his family?
4- How did he feel towards the pain he put you through the years?
5- How does his family feel towards you at this point?
6- How does he feel about the enmeshment?
7- Does he recognize manipulation tactics from the family?
8- When did you partner realize that you were not the problem? ( you are not controlling, manipulative and etc, whatever narrative the family painted you as)
9- Are you still NC, LC or fine with his family? How do you feel?
10- How does it look like if you have kids? How are the kids impacted?
Thank you everyone that has answered!