3 years after they separated, I have come to resent both of my parents and dont know what to do
Its been 3 years since my parents (27M) initally split. And while initially I was relieved, Ive now come to resent them.
My parents had this dynamic where my mom would lead, and my dad would follow. Because of bad finances and lack of support from extended family, my mom would become more and more controlling while my dad only had to focus on making money, which made my dad, who is introverted and not highly educated, defer to her and retreat, which made my mom take up more of his responsabilities, which made him retreat even further. Until she was tired and he felt like he was in prison, and both couldnt take it anymore. But my mom didnt have the heart to kick him out and he didnt have the courage or finances to go right away, so he only left much later, when the right circumstances came. That time in between coincided with COVID, so that created a nightmare-ish scenario for a few years.
3 years since their divorce, my dad has a new girlfriend. He travels every weekend now, when back then we had to drag him from the house. He drinks responsibly, which he couldnt do when we lived together. Me and my sister barely see him now, and we have to make plans with him 2 or 3 weeks in advance to get a night or a weekend day with him. He's still the same, repeating the same patterns of behaviour (avoiding conflict, not talking about his feelings and unable to tell harsh truths until he exploded) that ended the marriage. He only told us about his new girlfriend because he got diagnosed with stomach cancer and had to go into surgery, and he wanted us to know who the woman by the bedside was. Luckily hes cancer-free. He lived at our house until his sister also divorced, and they went to live together. Now we cant visit their house either because he's mad at his sister because he cant be honest and will let resentment fester. I feel like I need to tell him how I feel about all of this, but the right timing passed me by.
On the outside, it would look like my mom won the divorce. She got the house without having to go to court, she's going to therapy and understanding more about herself, she lost a lot of weight, going to the gym and is looking fitter than ever. She's changing jobs because she is tired of her opressive boss. But she's also struggling: she's very lonely. She's still living in our hometown, a medium-sized city. She knows a lot of people, and the locals all know each other, so there's gossip. She moved here because of my dad, and cant move away now, because the few people she knows live here.
She had a very small network of friends, who she fell out of touch for valid reasons (covid denial, narcisists, etc), so she doesnt have anyone else to talk to besides my sister and I. And in those conversations, she struggles with boundaries, asking us to be son/daughter, friend, confidant, all at the same time, and we are both overwhelmed and dont know how to help her anymore. I told her she needs hobbies, to make friends, but she claims to be too tired to go to social activities, but also calls me at least once a week crying about going home to an empty house. She also sometimes lacks self-awareness, in funny ways (says some random stuff that is unintentionally hilarious) and not funny ways (is too blunt and sounds like a dick).
I dont know what to do. How do I tell my dad how I really feel about him? Should I? I barely see him now, and dont want him to ghost me like he does everyone else. How can I support my mom better, but still protect my mental health?