r/ACOD

F21, my parents divorced officially in 2009 but fought for pretty much all of my life before that. (I never saw them happy or loving each other) My father begged my mom to have my brother (25) and I, and then became an alcoholic with anger issues and severe depression. He completely stopped helping my mom with us. He’d work, (bring alc with him) come home to play video games, and then repeat. It got so bad that he got gout and had to go to the hospital because his stomach ulcers were bleeding. He also emotionally cheated on my mom by sending emails to a woman he knew AND HOOKED UP WITH during his teenage years. I can’t remember the exact sequence of events (I was 5) but my dad left and then begged to come back. My mom took him back because he promised to do therapy with her, but he went back to how he was. Then started the messy divorce process. Some things my Dad did during this time: came over in a fit of rage to get his tools out of our shed and broke the door handle off to get in, stole our family dog out of the backyard when we were at a Cubscouts meeting for my brother (we told my mom to let him keep her because he had no one else.. 😕), threatened to shoot and kill my uncle, came over to our house to again get belongings and tore my mom out of her car in another fit of rage, all of this while FIGHTING for custody with my mom. Flash forward to 2014 and my Dad has a new gf and I had soon to be step siblings. (F6, M16) He has shared custody of us and gets to see us every other weekend and every other day during the week. My mom always wanted us to have a relationship with him. Anyways, that day was my mom’s birthday and she was planning on going to see her friends. We were supposed to go with my dad but my brother didn’t want to go over. My dad said he had a surprise for us, a trip to Jumpology. My brother still didn’t want to go and this enraged my dad. Come to find out, he was really taking us to the beach with our (not officially) step siblings. He was lying about this because my mom did NOT want her 8 year old daughter to be staying somewhere with a male 16 year old that she didn’t know.. understandable. Long story short, my brother and dad were arguing in the front yard, and my dad eventually pinned him to the ground and was yelling in his face. Cops were called.

Flash forward to 2025, my brother and I have a relationship with my dad. (They both did therapy together) However, it has not been without many fights between my dad and I. Last year I had the courage to tell my dad that I’m still very much affected by the divorce and that it was HIS fault. It was his drinking, his anger issues, his lack of accountability. (He eventually got Cali Sober) You know what he told me?! “It was 20 years ago.” and “I would say it was 70% 30% my fault and your mom’s fault. The audacity of that man. It hurts because I used to be Daddy’s little girl, until I realized who he really was. I can’t cut him off because he helps me financially. My mom has struggled ever since the divorce because he begged her to quit her job, so she had a resume gap for 10 years.

Anyways, I don’t know if I will ever get over this. Would therapy between him and I help, or do you think he will never admit his wrongdoings?

Hey y'all, I just discovered this subreddit so I apologize in advance if this post isn't the place.

Background context. My parents divorced about 25 years ago and they did not handle it diplomatically. My dad rushed into a second marriage that lasted 14 years where he was emotionally and financially getting abused. My older brothers and I bared part of it.

About 2 1/2 years later he is married to his third wife (I'll call her S). She has two adult children that are engaged. I have spent a few holidays with them and overall they are genuine people. I received a wedding invitation in the mail this week from S's daughter. My adult brain knows it is an incredibly gracious gesture to be invited to a wedding. My child brain and nervous system feels exhausted as I dread having to socially interact with other guests and I anticipate some awkward interactions. What sort of social presentation am I supposed to have and how will I be treated in light of my dad's third family? I feel guilty if I don't go, and I feel anxious if I do go. I wish I enjoyed weddings more, but in my age I've noticed myself become more and more jaded around weddings and marriage.

Wondering if anyone else feels that way and what has been some helpful guidance/resources you've gotten.

Its been 3 years since my parents (27M) initally split. And while initially I was relieved, Ive now come to resent them.

My parents had this dynamic where my mom would lead, and my dad would follow. Because of bad finances and lack of support from extended family, my mom would become more and more controlling while my dad only had to focus on making money, which made my dad, who is introverted and not highly educated, defer to her and retreat, which made my mom take up more of his responsabilities, which made him retreat even further. Until she was tired and he felt like he was in prison, and both couldnt take it anymore. But my mom didnt have the heart to kick him out and he didnt have the courage or finances to go right away, so he only left much later, when the right circumstances came. That time in between coincided with COVID, so that created a nightmare-ish scenario for a few years.

3 years since their divorce, my dad has a new girlfriend. He travels every weekend now, when back then we had to drag him from the house. He drinks responsibly, which he couldnt do when we lived together. Me and my sister barely see him now, and we have to make plans with him 2 or 3 weeks in advance to get a night or a weekend day with him. He's still the same, repeating the same patterns of behaviour (avoiding conflict, not talking about his feelings and unable to tell harsh truths until he exploded) that ended the marriage. He only told us about his new girlfriend because he got diagnosed with stomach cancer and had to go into surgery, and he wanted us to know who the woman by the bedside was. Luckily hes cancer-free. He lived at our house until his sister also divorced, and they went to live together. Now we cant visit their house either because he's mad at his sister because he cant be honest and will let resentment fester. I feel like I need to tell him how I feel about all of this, but the right timing passed me by.

On the outside, it would look like my mom won the divorce. She got the house without having to go to court, she's going to therapy and understanding more about herself, she lost a lot of weight, going to the gym and is looking fitter than ever. She's changing jobs because she is tired of her opressive boss. But she's also struggling: she's very lonely. She's still living in our hometown, a medium-sized city. She knows a lot of people, and the locals all know each other, so there's gossip. She moved here because of my dad, and cant move away now, because the few people she knows live here.

She had a very small network of friends, who she fell out of touch for valid reasons (covid denial, narcisists, etc), so she doesnt have anyone else to talk to besides my sister and I. And in those conversations, she struggles with boundaries, asking us to be son/daughter, friend, confidant, all at the same time, and we are both overwhelmed and dont know how to help her anymore. I told her she needs hobbies, to make friends, but she claims to be too tired to go to social activities, but also calls me at least once a week crying about going home to an empty house. She also sometimes lacks self-awareness, in funny ways (says some random stuff that is unintentionally hilarious) and not funny ways (is too blunt and sounds like a dick).

I dont know what to do. How do I tell my dad how I really feel about him? Should I? I barely see him now, and dont want him to ghost me like he does everyone else. How can I support my mom better, but still protect my mental health?

I’m gonna keep it short and simple. I’m 27 an only child, and I’m stuck in the middle of my parent’s divorce. My mom has stuff hanging over my head that prevents me from talking to my dad (which I want to do). I feel I’m trapped and can’t get out of the situation.

They’ve been going back and forth for about 2 years in the divorce process (originally filed 2018). My dad doesn’t want to settle and mom wants to take everything she can. Since I’m an only child, they turn to me for pettiness and try to use me against each other.

My mom gave me a good chunk of money recently for a house purchase as I didn’t have enough saved. Now that she that over my head, I’m forced in a bad situation which I regret getting myself into.

AITAH?: I have made the decision for my own mental health to go "No Contact" with my biological dad and his wife (there is nothing about this woman that I would consider maternal, so no, she is NOT my stepmom).

The Tea: My biological parents got divorced when I was two and I grew up with and was raised by my mom and stepdad. My mom and stepdad were/are great parents.They always made sure I was always safe and never without love, essentials, or even extras. I am blessed to have them as parents. My bio dad was in my life, on occasion.

When I was younger he had custody of me on Sundays. I would go over to his house and he was such a great story teller and one of the funniest people I've ever met. I loved him and he will always be my "Daddio", as I call him. He and his longtime gf (now wife) have been together since the divorce of my biological parents (25+ yrs) and would both be at his house on Sundays, drinking and blasting music. Often my mom would have to pick me up if they started drinking early. They would get shitfaced in front of me weekly. Both of my parent's respective significant others have been in my life since I was a toddler. The difference, is immense in terms of love and engagement.

My stepdad taught me how to play basketball, comforted me when I cried, helped clean up my puke on the floor as a kid, etc. He was a role model, along with my mom and I felt safe. My bio dad didn't find the time, but always an excuse to not see my soccer, basketball games, or my many, many plays, academic assemblies, etc. He and his wife are long time, "functioning" alcoholics, they are both sick. I struggle with my own mental health, so I can empathize with the internal struggle with something you don't want. In fact I have been in ED recovery for three years after being hospitalized. My bio dad's wife had once left awful messages on my mom's phone in high school about my weight and how I had "blown up". For much of my life, I lived somewhat estranged from my bio dad and his now wife due to irresponsible or hurtful behaviors.

Fastforward to adulthood... In 2019, I lived out of state and my bio dad had a stroke, which left him with Wernicke's Aphasia. He is also partially paralyzed and can not speak fluidly without modification or additional resources. I moved home two years later and helped as much as I could. Again, with my own struggles and taking care of my actual parents at home left me making decisions where I did have to set boundaries and decide where to spend my time. I have visited and called and emailed, made song playlists and even was an active caregiver for my dad over the last few years, even helped him with bathroom care in emergencies. His wife, however, does not think I have done enough. She has sent passive aggressive and straight up aggressive texts to me saying as much... We have had a few arguments and discussions/even sometime collaborative caregiving prior.

A couple weeks ago, I had last spoken with my dad (in our own way), and let him know that I would see him for Father's Day at 1pm. The day before Father's Day, I left him a message saying that "I was excited to see him the following day at 1pm".... his wife texts me back that he has been in the ER for the last seven days. This is not the first time she has withheld communication or information regarding myself or my daddio to either of us. [The subtext she manufactured here is that I am so absent that I don't even know when he is in the hospital for a week, and since I don't know, I can't visit, which makes me more absent and estranged in my dad's already distorted perception.]. I cannot take anymore toxic behaviors.

That was it. She has withheld his hospital visits from me, as well as, prevented communication between my dad and I. [I do not know exactly where the seed of insidious envy and ill will came from, as I have been distant, but always pleasant with them.] It took me a few calls to track down my bio dad's hospital location and room but I did make it to see him in the hospital on Father's Day at 1pm. He was alone in the room, gaunt and frozen. He had had another stroke. My heart broke again and I just held his hand and caressed his head. I gave him a rosary and wrapped it around his hand and told him I have been praying for him and not to be afraid. I rested my head on his chest and before I left, I gave him my sweatshirt to hold if he needed comfort and because it smelled like me.

I was out of town for a week and had not heard any updates so I called the hospital and he is there but moved to another room. They tried to connect me to the phone in his room just now. It rang for over a minute. I was hoping there would be a message machine. I know he cannot pick up the phone himself due to limited dexterity and mobility but I was hoping he could hear my voice. I know that his wife will not facilitate any communication between he and I. Thus, anyway to speak or see him must be entirely on me, without assistance from either.

I do plan on visiting him in the hospital again, but when do I stop chasing him? AITAH if I set it down and let them live together and give up the drama, but in so doing, giving up the limited time I do see my estranged bio dad? I know he knows I love him and vice versa. I have said many goodbyes to him, not knowing when the last time I will see him will be. The mental toll of the guilt and the constant anxiety of chasing him or trying to innovate a way to find and communicate with him has been emotionally taxing. The situation is cruel. If I put it down, I know she will certainly think I am the A-hole for "abandoning my daddio", but AITAH?

My parents are separating and my dad is moving out today. Honestly, i’m just looking for perspective and advice from other adult children going through something similar.

I'm 22, finishing up my junior year of college, and my parents have decided to separate. My entire child I have seen my parents fight, but nonetheless this is a shock. My moms parents are divorced and she wanted to badly to break the cycle. She has some not great mental health issues, and that definitely put a strain on the relationship. My dad however has refused couples therapy for 10 years, and is very cold, non affectionate, and basically lives his own life in the house. They haven’t slept in the same bed in years, all the signs were there.

I am still utterly crushed that this is happening. My mom is trying so hard to be strong, but I can see how hurt she is. She was rejected, her husband h gave up, and I can only imagine. I think the hardest part, is that my dad is an AMAZING dad, but a horrible husband.

Ultimately I am just scared. I’m scared for him to move out of my family home tomorrow, and what it’s going to feel like. I’m scared to go back to school in Georgia and leave my mom, im scared of holidays and more fights and the eventual divorce. i’m scared of them dating, and navigating that. Logically, I understand this is what they both need, and I'm not angry at either of them.

Emotionally it feels like a bigger deal than I expected. I keep thinking about what changes, holidays, coming home, just the normal family structure I've always had. I'm also very aware of not becoming the person either of them leans on emotionally, or the mediator between them. I've spent years watching them make bad decisions towards eachother, and tried so hard to keep them happy, but it was obvious exhausting. i’m trying to focus on the relief i have now, that i don’t need to listen to see of my dad said goodnight to her, or if my moms mood is good. but i still feel lost.

I'm wondering if anyone else has navigated this as an older teen or young adult. What helped? How long did it take to adjust? And how do you maintain separate relationships with both parents without losing sight of your own mental health? I think that’s my bigger fear, how my relationship is going to change with them.

Thank you for any thoughts or sharing your own stories :)

My (28f) parents are divorcing, and in the announcement to myself and siblings they told us that there has been a 20 yr history of secretive cross-dressing and wanting an open relationship until the last straw was reached.

I am feeling so many different things.

I'm devastated to lose my parental unit.

I'm angry that the world made them feel like they couldn't be themselves.

I'm angry they chose to hide.

I'm glad they both can pursue more fulfilling relationships.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to support them as best I can.

I am terrified of my own future because I always looked up to their marriage.

I'm guilty for even thinking to worry about my own life and marriage and identity.

Is my idea of love and commitment entirely off base?

Some days I am ok and positive, and others I'm just crying and distraught.

How could I be blindsided with something going on so long? Am I repeating patterns?

I don't really have a question I just.... all I can think to do is write and talk about it and hope there is some wisdom you all have.