u/i_wishyouwouldcuz

AITAH?: I have made the decision for my own mental health to go "No Contact" with my biological dad and his wife (there is nothing about this woman that I would consider maternal, so no, she is NOT my stepmom).

The Tea: My biological parents got divorced when I was two and I grew up with and was raised by my mom and stepdad. My mom and stepdad were/are great parents.They always made sure I was always safe and never without love, essentials, or even extras. I am blessed to have them as parents. My bio dad was in my life, on occasion.

When I was younger he had custody of me on Sundays. I would go over to his house and he was such a great story teller and one of the funniest people I've ever met. I loved him and he will always be my "Daddio", as I call him. He and his longtime gf (now wife) have been together since the divorce of my biological parents (25+ yrs) and would both be at his house on Sundays, drinking and blasting music. Often my mom would have to pick me up if they started drinking early. They would get shitfaced in front of me weekly. Both of my parent's respective significant others have been in my life since I was a toddler. The difference, is immense in terms of love and engagement.

My stepdad taught me how to play basketball, comforted me when I cried, helped clean up my puke on the floor as a kid, etc. He was a role model, along with my mom and I felt safe. My bio dad didn't find the time, but always an excuse to not see my soccer, basketball games, or my many, many plays, academic assemblies, etc. He and his wife are long time, "functioning" alcoholics, they are both sick. I struggle with my own mental health, so I can empathize with the internal struggle with something you don't want. In fact I have been in ED recovery for three years after being hospitalized. My bio dad's wife had once left awful messages on my mom's phone in high school about my weight and how I had "blown up". For much of my life, I lived somewhat estranged from my bio dad and his now wife due to irresponsible or hurtful behaviors.

Fastforward to adulthood... In 2019, I lived out of state and my bio dad had a stroke, which left him with Wernicke's Aphasia. He is also partially paralyzed and can not speak fluidly without modification or additional resources. I moved home two years later and helped as much as I could. Again, with my own struggles and taking care of my actual parents at home left me making decisions where I did have to set boundaries and decide where to spend my time. I have visited and called and emailed, made song playlists and even was an active caregiver for my dad over the last few years, even helped him with bathroom care in emergencies. His wife, however, does not think I have done enough. She has sent passive aggressive and straight up aggressive texts to me saying as much... We have had a few arguments and discussions/even sometime collaborative caregiving prior.

A couple weeks ago, I had last spoken with my dad (in our own way), and let him know that I would see him for Father's Day at 1pm. The day before Father's Day, I left him a message saying that "I was excited to see him the following day at 1pm".... his wife texts me back that he has been in the ER for the last seven days. This is not the first time she has withheld communication or information regarding myself or my daddio to either of us. [The subtext she manufactured here is that I am so absent that I don't even know when he is in the hospital for a week, and since I don't know, I can't visit, which makes me more absent and estranged in my dad's already distorted perception.]. I cannot take anymore toxic behaviors.

That was it. She has withheld his hospital visits from me, as well as, prevented communication between my dad and I. [I do not know exactly where the seed of insidious envy and ill will came from, as I have been distant, but always pleasant with them.] It took me a few calls to track down my bio dad's hospital location and room but I did make it to see him in the hospital on Father's Day at 1pm. He was alone in the room, gaunt and frozen. He had had another stroke. My heart broke again and I just held his hand and caressed his head. I gave him a rosary and wrapped it around his hand and told him I have been praying for him and not to be afraid. I rested my head on his chest and before I left, I gave him my sweatshirt to hold if he needed comfort and because it smelled like me.

I was out of town for a week and had not heard any updates so I called the hospital and he is there but moved to another room. They tried to connect me to the phone in his room just now. It rang for over a minute. I was hoping there would be a message machine. I know he cannot pick up the phone himself due to limited dexterity and mobility but I was hoping he could hear my voice. I know that his wife will not facilitate any communication between he and I. Thus, anyway to speak or see him must be entirely on me, without assistance from either.

I do plan on visiting him in the hospital again, but when do I stop chasing him? AITAH if I set it down and let them live together and give up the drama, but in so doing, giving up the limited time I do see my estranged bio dad? I know he knows I love him and vice versa. I have said many goodbyes to him, not knowing when the last time I will see him will be. The mental toll of the guilt and the constant anxiety of chasing him or trying to innovate a way to find and communicate with him has been emotionally taxing. The situation is cruel. If I put it down, I know she will certainly think I am the A-hole for "abandoning my daddio", but AITAH?