u/OkTitle

Seriously, if you’ve ever felt this way, I'm sorry. Humans naturally feel so much pain at not being included in social groups because early humans needed the support of their tribes and families to survive.

A fact I read: Social rejection and physical pain register in the same area of the brain. It is deeply and severely painful to be left out.

Posting this here because I know this experience is common in SM, due to the condition itself, along with the misunderstandings of it and frequent poor treatment from others for behaviors we cannot fully control (unable to speak) - which make me feel trapped behind a wall of glass, able to see everyone getting along and not being able to join in or be accepted. It’s such a deep loneliness when everyone else is right there yet out of reach.

So it was hard not to feel bad that I couldn’t do what seemed so easy for everyone else. And that worsened a cycle of: becoming isolated - feeling bad about myself - self-isolating more - and losing hope I would ever break the cycle.

Do you relate?

It was particularly bad for me in school, seeing classmates make friends so quickly and easily that it seemed like they’d known each other a long time (when they didn’t). And also seeing classmates get a lot of positive attention from the teachers who just seemed to think I was a weird quiet nuisance.

I think it is easier to make connections when you already have some vs being very desperate for it and having little social experience - and also potentially puts you in a vulnerable place if people take advantage because you may put up with more than you should to keep relationships.

edit: but I want to add there is definitely hope because I truly couldn’t imagine a few years ago how much improvement and connection I would have by now. still a work in progress but my life has actually transformed. I’ve commented a lot about this process but maybe should make a whole post about my recovery. it’s just that I get wordy lol so it will be LONG

A discussion for fun…wondering which gymnasts come to mind? (after I saw the same type of question in r/figureskating)

I‘ve also had true anemia/low hemoglobin on a couple blood tests, but I’ve never NOT had low ferritin for at least seven years since I was first tested.

I know people say they can tell they feel different than they used to, but I’ve never not felt sluggish with little motivation.

I guess my doctors mentioned very briefly that I had low iron and should supplement, but it really wasn’t emphasized, and the effects weren’t explained in any depth. So when I had side effects from supplements, I just stopped taking them pretty quickly not thinking my life could be better

If yes, do you think this impacted the course of your life and selective mutism?

If no, how did lacking a trusted adult impact you? How do you think it would have impacted you to have one?

I’m both reflecting on my life and reading scientific articles about how having just one trusted adult is a pretty significant protective factor for mental wellbeing and future outcomes for kids/teens.

A trusted adult is: someone reliable, nonjudgmental, and empathetic - a mentor who provides support and encouragement, validating emotions and showing respect. It’s really a pretty basic thing to provide a child if you’re a significant adult in their lives.

I didn’t have that throughout my childhood. My father was angry, drunk, unreliable, and instilled shame. My mother was detached, mostly watching TV and not acknowledging me. So basically, I had the isolation of SM at school and going home to that.

I remember when I was pretty little, my dad took me to his best friend’s house once and left me with his wife. We drew on coloring pages together, and when my dad came back for us to leave their home, I was bawling and bawling. I didn’t want to go because I never had that kind of one-on-one attention that kids typically crave. Also in school, the rare times I received praise or personal attention (without focus on speaking/SM), it was like the best feeling.

So part of me wonders what difference it might have made to have someone consistent and trusted. I do think it contributed to me always feeling unsafe and never having any breakthrough comfortable environments/people. I didn’t form bonds with my teachers at all and felt ignored and burdensome. I was slightly jealous of the kids who were friendly with and found mentors in the teachers.

For me, this also impacts me in adulthood because I find myself wishing for mentor figures, which I feel maybe goes beyond what is normal because I’m a bit starved of that role. Like I want it to be paternal, I wish my professors or superiors were my parents…although I still can’t trust people to open up because I never had anyone I could trust.