I’m so tired of pretending
I’ve been checked out of the whole Adventist thing for a while now, but I still go to church bc I don’t want anyone to suspect anything.
I can’t really afford telling anyone in my SDA circle, especially my family. So I’ve been playing along for over almost 2 years now.
Most of the time, I can deal with it. I just let things go through one ear and out the other (at church especially lol). But sometimes, I have so many questions I want to ask but don’t bc I fear it’ll out me or I’ll receive lots of backlash for asking such questions. Im forced into lots of church events/programs.
I’m harboring a lot of hurt and resentment it boils over sometimes and it can get so exhausting, especially how I, as a girl, get treated by the church (or Christianity as a whole for that matter). I hate how I’ve always been made to feel lesser than my whole life.
But I am also so attached to the church bc of the circle of people I have. I care for them a lot and they are the only ones I have.
I know therapy is an option, but my parents don’t really believe in that sort of stuff. I still live with them and depend on them financially quite a bit. I know my school does counseling, but I also go to an SDA one. So I’m kinda fucked there.
Idk, I just can’t wait for the day I can be fully independent and not have to deal with all this anymore.
Sorry for the long rant, but typing this out alone helps. I’d appreciate any advice! And thanks for the kind words.