r/exAdventist

I have a Catholic friend she divided marrying an Adventist man they are approximately 34 years old and 35 years old, they have been a couple 8 years including in these 2 years of marriage.

During the Dating/relationship Time the man refused to be intimate with her, the most they did were bird kisses, according to my friend she bought lingerie and got ready for her wedding night. But when she entered the room her husband sent her to change her clothes and he fell asleep

According to my friend, to this day they have not had any progress in Sex. She has barely managed to see when he has an erection but he cuts off any progress

BTW She became an Adventist sorry for add more.

My friend was previously catholic and she has previous sexual experience with her ex boyfriend, before her actual husband

I saw someone bring up Twilight here recently and I’ll do you one worse! I secretly read the shadowhunters series when I was a little younger, maybe early high school late middle school. Binged it all! It’s nowhere near as popular as twilight but I know there was a movie and a series based on it.

The premise is these supernatural people who come from… you’ll never guess… nephilim! Yes that’s right, angel human hybrids lmao. I actually don’t remember the plot but it’s a whole franchise with other series set in the same universe. I remember learning that some of the biblical references came from the apocrypha and SDA does not like that haha. Now I kinda wanna reread for the hell of it

I was watching Myles YouTube channel (Answering Adventism) last night. I saw that Doug Batchelor said this.

The following: “I believe Jesus was a Seventh Day Adventist”. If you want to search it is in the title on his YouTube labeled: Facts and fables.

Doug Batchelor knows he is speaking falsely. He is a pastor and knows Jesus was not a 7th Day Adventist. Doesn’t this show us that he is deceiving people?

What are your thoughts about Doug Batchelor? What are your thoughts on this statement?

I'm curious about ex-Adventists' relationships with your parents, especially how your relationships may have changed after leaving. I'm wondering if Adventism tends to reinforce authoritarian parenting, emotional distance, rigid gender roles, or conditional love in Adventist families (or whether my family just has problems lol). Looking back, are there family patterns that you now think were encouraged by Adventist culture, or do you think your family just happened to be dysfunctional independent of religion?

Disclaimer: I'm not saying that the SDA church or religion causes these traits in individuals or families. I'm just curious if others have noticed similar patterns. 

I'll start: 

I (F29) left Adventism for good about three years ago, which was also around the time I married my husband and moved away from my parents. I've been deconstructing ever since, from both my religious background and my dysfunctional family dynamics. If it helps, for context, I grew up in the Northern California division and am white. 

My dad had specific ideas of who I should become, but that's not what I actually wanted for my life. My parents had me later in life, and I was always cognizant of the fact that my dad would be too old to play sports with my younger brother (M23) when he finally grew up. So I adopted the personality of a sporty tomboy in high school and shunned all things feminine and girly, so my dad had the experience of coaching and playing sports with one of his kids. From an early age, I knew that if I wanted attention from him, I had to participate in one of his interests -- music at church, sports, religion and conservative politics. 

There's been a pattern throughout my life of my dad having certain expectations for me, not communicating them, giving me the illusion of choice, and then "punishing" me via jokes and sarcasm if I didn't choose what he wanted. My dad never finished his college degree, so it was mandatory for me to go to college. But when I got a degree in something he didn't think was "worth it" (humanities instead of business), he made snide jokes about it. This isn't the only time he's done that. 

Feelings weren't acknowledged or discussed much in my family. Feelings were something to avoid or push through -- not an indicator that something was misaligned or problematic. It was following Dad's ideas above all else, along with determination and hard logic. 

For example, I got the opportunity to go to a basketball camp for a week after my freshman year of high school. My dad always pushed me to play basketball because he thought I'd be good at it. But I didn't want to play it, nor did I want to go to that camp. But my dad talked me into it, despite my feeling alone and uncomfortable. (I attended with a couple of girls from my class that I didn't like. The coaches apparently thought my skill level wasn't high enough to practice with the high school girls, so they bumped me down to the middle school group. That was really embarrassing and I ended up throwing up in the bathroom due to sheer stress. My dad didn't want to come get me early because he wanted me to push through it and see if it would get better... it didn't.) 

My dad had a bit of a temper that would come out when he was frustrated. His emotions ran the whole house -- if he was angry, we had to drop everything and fix it. I had more heart-to-hearts with my friends' parents than my own, and I never felt like I could fully express my heart and desires to them. I lived in this dual world of mirroring expectations and desires that my dad placed on me while subduing my own real desires to live a creative, feminine life. 

As my husband and I got married and were in the process of house hunting, my dad repeatedly tried to insert himself into decisions that belonged to my husband and me. He was a realtor, so we asked him for his opinions, but he strongly pushed us to buy this one house even though we had reservations about it. We ended up buying it, and it's been one problem after another. 

It wasn't until my husband started pointing out some of these unhealthy family dynamics that I realized they weren't normal. I tried to take my parents to counseling, but they only attended one session and it wasn't very productive. I also tried talking to my dad directly, but the final straw was when he tried to come between me and my husband.

My relationship with my mom is strained. She is not emotionally available and does not engage with vulnerable or difficult topics. Every time I try to discuss any of the difficult times I've had recently or my relationship with my dad, she shuts down and does not actually talk to me about what I'm going through. She keeps awkwardly steering me back to mending my relationship with my dad by saying things like, "I hope that your family is important to you" (meaning her, my dad, and brother). This is a generational thing, as my grandma and great-grandma also behaved similarly. They were very nice, but you could not get emotionally close to them. 

Another thing I've been wondering about is whether there was a sexist dynamic in how my brother and I were raised. They made me get my first job at 14 (working at the Adventist school I attended), and I always had to have a job during summers and the school year. When I graduated from high school and mentioned wanting to take a gap year as I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, they were really against that and convinced me to attend one of the Adventist universities (which of course left me with a mountain of student loans). I felt this intense pressure to get a degree in anything and get a job. After graduating, I got a corporate job and had my own apartment until Covid. Then I moved back in with them for a short time, until I saved up enough money for another apartment nearby. 

Meanwhile, they didn't require that my brother have a job while he was in high school. He also got poor grades. He has lived with them since he graduated from high school, and he didn't have a job for two years after that. He spent 90% of his time play games in their basement. He finally got a job last year and proposed to his girlfriend recently. They are planning on moving away from my parents. 

I'm curious whether anyone else experienced similar dynamics growing up Adventist. Did your family emphasize obedience over emotional connection? Did you feel like love or approval was conditional on fitting a certain role? Were there different expectations for sons and daughters? And if you left Adventism, did your relationship with your parents change afterward?

I'm also trying to sort out what was simply my family being dysfunctional versus what may have been reinforced by Adventist culture. I'd love to hear other people's experiences, even if yours was completely different from mine.

It's more of a rhetorical question since I do not think it's possible to convince my dad, but still would like to hear some answers.

For context, my dad is really conservative. Believes in the Bible literally, the earth is only 6000 years or so according to him. Evolution is made up, of course. And he eats up bullshit arguments against evolution from people like Walter Veith (that guy is genuinely a lunatic). Even people like Doug Batchelor might be too progressive for him at times, I feel like.

He also believes that Ron Wyatt for example was not making shit up and he really found Noah's ark etc. He obviously believes EGW was a prophet and constantly would quote her as I was growing up. He believes the second coming is like soon soon (disregard the fact EGW said it would happen in her lifetime, as did Jesus and Paul, yeah, whatever)

So, I am still scratching only the surface of his insane beliefs. Is there really even any hope of convincing a person like that? The worst thing is, that even if there was, I don't think I am equipped enough to, for example, argue for evolution. And the other thing is, even if I was, my dad actually believes Darwin was controlled by satan or something like that, and all the scientists are evil and lying basically. It genuinely is ridiculous.

It really is sad though... My dad was many times in my life pretty awful to me and my family due to his insane beliefs, not like directly abusive, but still. I am sure that if he were an atheist, if my whole family were atheist, our life would have been much better. This kinds made me have a disdain for all religion at this point lol.

Anyway, I am rambling now, anyone have a similar experience and such?

My sister and I turned on Twilight while my parents were at the gym. Both of us are adults and we never watched it growing up. Honestly some of the acting is cringe, kinda reminds me of the exaggerated expressions you see on Disney channel movies lol, but it’s great!

My parents came back from the gym while we were watching the movie and my mom was making lunch while we played the movie. She overheard them mentioning vampires and she was like you’re watching a movie about vampires? And I said the stupidest thing, thinking she didn’t know what twilight is, and told her the movie title. She got disturbed by that and said that’s not right to watch. She kept giving us a disapproving look and finally told us to turn it off. Later says it’s satanic and says if we watch that in this house we will be desensitized to things that are bad.

Because of a few vampires that makes a movie satanic? We have watched things with worse stuff, bloody and gory full of fantasy creatures. Sometimes she’ll get a random conviction, and as it is both of my parents are crazy about Adventism, repeatedly quoting EGW to us.

I watch whatever I want on my own, they would flip out to know shows I’ve watched recently lol.

It’s common for it to be a thing in the Adventist communities, and churches that it’s best to be vegetarian or vegan. Veganism can cause health issues especially since the fake meats are over processed, and those who rarely eat meats or proteins can easily lack vitamin B12 which is what I recently found out from the doctors.

I was having strange symptoms even though my blood test seemed normal but days later, my doctor recommended to take a certain supplement since I was lacking not just vitamin B12 but Iron as well.

I was never a vegan but a vegetarian. I remember when I used to attend Adventist churches, people who were specifically vegan were extremely malnourished by just looking at them, and depend way too much on over processed foods even constantly consuming sketchy supplements. I’m not blaming the Adventist faith for this happening, but wouldn’t be surprised if that was somehow involved or even the cause for other people to have health issues since it still has negatively impacted my life in multiple different ways.

Edit: Didn’t mean to say anything wrong or bad that offended a few people in the comments, just telling my experiences.

I have been out of the church for 6 years now and every time I feel like me and my immediate family can peacefully coexist, something like this happens. For reference, my brother is autistic and tends to use very dramatic language like this quite often + is quite conservative Adventist (I can understand that the structure is comforting for him). However, he is a 33 year old man, very high functioning/low support needs, and I feel like this was so unnecessary to send me in the middle of the night out of the blue. (Of course I care deeply about him and wanted to take him seriously so I told him that if he felt that way he should go to the hospital or text the crisis line. I’ve also had multiple family members this morning check on him.)

Anyways, I suppose I’m not really asking for advice, just moreso comfort. It’s been an emotional wringer with my family for years (3 sda pastors in my immediate family). I would however love any empowering books or podcasts on religious trauma or positive stories you have as well. Thank you all!

So my wife's church just had its VBS last week. She's the children's ministry director and voluntold me to help out with the program's opening and closing skits. I enjoy acting so it honestly wasn't that bad, I just tried to remind myself that it was for the kids.

The program, put out by the NAD, was "Cactusville," and it was, to put it mildly, dreadful. It was so bad in fact that I took it upon myself to do an almost complete rewrite because I felt the kids deserved better (I highly suspect it was written at least partially by AI). The main character, a sheriff (of course this is never actually relevant throughout the entire program, no good Adventist program for kids would ever have something as interesting as a cattle rustling or a bank robbery, the only purpose served by making the character a sheriff is to imbue him with authority and contribute to the "Western" theme) literally just straight monologued for most of the first program. It was so bad I actually split that one part into two just so it wouldn't be just one person talking at the kids the whole time.

Another major problem was the way lessons were taught. Characters were never allowed to learn anything from experience. Instead, they would come in with some problem, and the sheriff would just tell them what they should do, and they would do it because of course the authority figure is always right. Nobody ever explained the concept of "show don't tell" to whoever or whatever wrote this program; never would characters so much as try to figure things out on their own before realizing that maybe the older, wiser character was right, and there certainly was never any justification for why the authority figure was right beyond "this is what I--I mean, the Bible says." I did my best to at least try to turn the sheriff into more of a "gentle parent" kind of character who actually talked things through with the other characters rather than just talking at them, but as limited as I was on time, there was only so much I could do.

I also wasn't able to do anything about the songs. On the whole they weren't terrible as far as Christian kids' songs go, but there was one that just made me laugh every time I heard it because it was about how "people think we're odd" for being Christians and how "we are different" and "unique." Like, nobody thinks you're "odd" for being a member of the majority religion in the US, and there is nothing "unique" about being the most conformist people on the planet.

Another thing I found amusing was the obvious discomfort the production had with anthropomorphic animals. Every day there was a new "critter" native to or characteristic of the American Southwest for the kids to learn about. The critters were fairly decently designed and were clearly anthropomorphized, with cute names, cartoonish faces, and even some amount of clothing. However, whoever was responsible for the program clearly drew the line at having the animals actually talk. Each pre-made informational video (which I therefore couldn't alter) began with the preface "if [animal's name] could talk, he/she might say something like..." leading into a paragraph written in the first person giving some information about the animal. To me it felt very much like the segments were originally intended to actually be narrated by the animal until some old white guy at the NAD objected that talking animals was too much like fun (never mind that in the Bible snakes and donkeys talk), so it had to be hastily edited to "clarify" that this is just what the animal might say if it could talk.

Thanks at least in part to typically Adventist low standards and expectations, the VBS program was a resounding success, with some people at the church musing how on earth they would be able to top it next year.

happy sabbath y’all !! if this post breaks the rules of this subreddit, i apologize !! i’m so sorry but i’m gonna yap a lot. also don’t mind the em-dashes, i’ve been using them long before ai snatched them from human writers.

now, i’m 19 and haven’t believed in god since i was 12 or so. that said, i do enjoy christian movies and cartoons mainly due to nostalgia. i like veggie tales and stuff but i also really, really, really love the prince of egypt— i rewatch it very often, no notes. i also appreciate biblical stories as sort of mythology? like biblical mythology? even if i do not agree with it many of the stories and i think that they can have many plot holes and such, i do enjoy them as stories and nothing more.

i’ve yapped a lot but anyways, i watched that animated david movie that came out recently and to be honest…??

i appreciate the animation. down to the fine hairs on the cheeks of the men and women, the arm and hand hairs, even the dirt in the fingernails of each character— like i could gush about the animation forever. i was genuinely enthralled the entire time. but now to the point of my post.

the main villain in this movie is king achish. my heart immediately sank when i saw him to be honest. he’s shown to be wearing what looks like subtle eyeshadow and red lipstick with lots of jewelry including dangling earrings. he also acts in a very queer-coded manner and talks and behaves very flamboyantly. villains being queer-coded is nothing new— disney’s done it a ton of times with their iconic villains.

but this was so on the nose, that it hurt. i remember when he came on screen, i almost laughed and said “he looks like a drag queen !!” and then it hit me. it felt intentional the way this christian production had made the villain look.

genuinely, am i overreacting? a christian movie, in this day and age, portraying what they think a drag queen looks like as the villain to what’s probably a bunch of kids and families watching this felt so disheartening. i can’t properly put into words how i’m feeling. i just feel really sad as a queer person myself.

i shared this with an acquaintance (who is adventist) and she kinda laughed and told me i was being too woke. i feel like i’m not crazy though. literally look up what he looks like in the movie— it feels too intentional. i know fundamentalists hate queer people, but portraying the villain as a diet drag queen was too on the nose.

that’s the end of my long vent. but if anyone feels the same way or has any other thoughts to share, please share them !!

Without giving the whole novel, I’m a 4th generation SDA who was raised in an ultra conservative, fundamentalist SDA household.

I suspect my mother has covert narcissism, and she used the SDA religion as her shield. The non-stop criticism and emotional abuse/neglect, was all done in the name of my salvation.

From a very young age (about 18m-2yrs old) my mum called me worldly. She said it started at a clothing store, I was waiting for her and my grandmother who were taking ages, and as a bored very little kid I was looking at the jewellery and kind of swishing it with my hands. She said that I’d always been attracted and lured by things of the world.

I always knew her behaviour was weird and odd, and without love (hard to explain, just zero connection ever came from her at a heart level). I tried extremely hard to win her affection - doing all the good SDA stuff, and when she still criticised me just as hard I had a bit of an epiphany.. I’ll never get there. That led me to slowly start the process of deconstruction.

The more I’ve deconstructed, the less I can take her and the falsehoods and her own narcissism. That might read as bitter, but it actually feels a lot more peaceful than it looks written. Kind of just accepting it is what it is? I can’t change any of it - the church, her, I can only just.. accept it?

But it’s also led to me being thrown out of my family. That whole having to protect the thing at risk - the church and her. It kind of blows my mind since I’m a parent now that they’d choose the SDA church over their daughter and only grandchildren.

My parents are old too, they would be fully aware of the conference controversy with the investigative judgment, but just choose not to think about it too much so it doesn’t rock their world view.

Is anyone else close with their still actively practicing SDA family? Are they accepting? Or are you like me and have been cast out alone?

Remembering conversations with my GF:

In May I just wanted to help emotionally a friend. He was just without motivation for anything. He really likes football and fortunately his football team qualified to the finals. (since 30 years) It was the only thing it would make him happy in that shitty month. He bought me the ticket and I was very excited.

The problem: it was on Sabbath Day. I just wanted to help him to overcome these bad times. I also like football, my favorite sport. The experience includes fun. I took my bible an searched on the internet, verses that supported my interpretation or AT LEAST to validate my good work (helping my friend) on the Sabbath.

I found much verses that support my perspective and I was happy about that maybe, JUST MAYBE I would find some aceptation. But no. Firstly, I discussed with my gf`s friends, bc they are more light. They told me I have to read more an then I would understand. They quote the script, the Truth is this, blablabla.

Days Later I tried with my GF and the same argumentation, the Truth, the usual script. She also told to me that having fun (going to football stadium) keeps me away from God. I told her why she is using the same points as her friends. She answered that It is my problem for not understanding. At the end of our discussion she told me she was very disappointing about me if I took the decision to go with my friend to the match on Sabbbth. I ask her: Would I get your blessings (for the trip)? She answered: Yes, but Im still disappointed.

I dont know what should I more understand as the Bible itself. I read and re-read verses she considers "proving the Sabbath" and the Bible supports my perspective. I also searched the reason of lettters like Galatas, Hebrews, Romans (which she uses also in her argumentation) and they also confirm my perspective. How long I need to understand the Sabbath? I read the Bible every night. On this rythm Im gonna finish the Bible in 2 years. WTF? So much to understand something that the Bible refers as expired? Is it really that hard? Or am I not wise enough? She also advised me to talk about with a pastor, but obviosuly to an Adventist pastor, who 100% is gonna support her.

At the end I went to the match with my friend, losing but he told me "Thank you bro. This time together Im not gonna forget, not bc of the final result but bc I spent time with you" :`)

I feel very well after helping a good friend instead of staying at home observing the SaBbAtH.

PD: Im really sry for my poor English I tried my best:/

When I was growing up my mom was a liberal adventist and my father was a Ellen g-hadi. If I didnt follow the sabbath to the letter I would get beat or disregard. It also made my entire world view very bleak and dark. I didnt want to make as much freinds outside of the adventist church because I thought that It would be too upsetting for the to go to hell as Sunday worshippers. This caused me to be very reclusive and dogmatic. When I realized that. Not worshipping on Saturday wounds damn me or others,it broke my brain. It is neurogically painful to try to practice christianity now. I took a stand against my mother my family to say that I want an adventist anymore and I wanted to be an orthodox christian. My treatment was so bad that I have severe ptsd and I have ideations and tramatic hallucinations from that period of abuse. Cortisol dumps into me all the time and I am very disheartened,I am also upset with the regular adventist church because they cover up alot of abuse and suppress the individuality because of that witch Ellen g white. For as much as the church talks about Mary they definitely have a woman that they worship. The cowardice of the conference makes me want to puke.I feel at times that I am too damaged to have a good life anymore,but I do try in the best of my ability to have faith,not in the basterdized version of christ.But in the God that I dont know as well.

If your read all of this thank you,giving me a piece of your time is a gift that I am privileged to receive.

I posted in this subreddit about a week ago.
I’ve been wrestling with the decision to leave my church for over six months. I actually wrote my resignation letter more than six months ago, but it’s been sitting as a PDF on my computer, never printed.

The reason I’m leaving is that there are doctrines taught in my church that I can no longer agree with. After a lot of prayer, studying Scripture, and examining my conscience before God, I can’t honestly say I believe these teachings are not biblical. I have to be faithful to what I believe the Lord is leading me to do.

One thing is certain: I want to leave honorably. I’m going to submit a respectful resignation letter because I believe that’s the right thing to do. I’m not leaving out of rebellion. I need to work on the resentment I feel though. I’m leaving because I can’t, in good conscience, remain where I disagree on matters I believe are important. Whether others agree with my decision isn’t my primary concern. I want to do this with integrity before God.

My biggest question is this: Were you shunned after leaving your church?

I’m expecting to hear things like:
“You’re leaving the true church.”
“You’ve gone to Babylon.”
“The shaking is happening”
“You never knew God”

If you’ve been through something similar, what was your experience? How did people treat you after you left?

I mean, she was racist. I Read much of her quotes and wow is kind of shocking. In my gf's community in Europe there are a large number of people with African roots/dark skinned. We are also not white skinned, she is Asian (adventist since child) I'm Latino (catholic, not active). I also read she didn't support interracial marriage, so theoretically we would be doing bad.

Is it normal the people doesn't see that?

I remember we joined the church when I was about 7? Our first year at the church there was a huge deal about me not going trick or treating and the pastor said he'd give me candy instead. The church told us it was Satan's holiday and it was about assaulting little girls. They showed us a film.

What did they tell you about Halloween?