Pushing back, and it feels so good!
I came into my husband’s family with an open heart. I have been a people-pleaser for a lot of my life. My dad, who I love very much, had trauma and personality issues that caused me to forego my own thoughts and feelings on things and take care of his ever-changing emotional state.
Fast forward to recent times, I found myself always taking the temperature on how everyone *else* was feeling, and trying to be as agreeable as possible.
When I first met my in-laws, I was so excited about them. They were sweet, generous, funny, and pleasant. I still enjoy those memories of dinner and wine nights, just enjoying each other’s company.
Then, my mil changed - almost down to the day that we got married. She was originally very easy-going, pleasant, and humorous. Out of seemingly nowhere, she developed a strange passive aggression masked by “kindness” and “care.” It’s as though she wants to control the way I behave. Think Jane Austen 1700s etiquette. Weird corrections on my speech and behavior. Rules that absolutely no one even knows about in 2026.
I already care very much about being polite, so these corrections felt excessive, unnecessary, and just weird.
Her passing comments make me feel violated, like she’s trying to make sure I’m this perfect doll; her meek, mild Protestant daughter-in-law.
Her corrections are abrupt, tense, & almost whispered. In my own damn house. Once, she rearranged all of the appliances in my kitchen. She said to my husband “Oh, do you think she’ll mind?” Like I said, I felt violated.
Once, I went out to sit with the uncles and cousins to smoke cigars and drink whiskey. I was the only woman, which is not a big deal to me. I love talking with those guys and hanging out. It’s like a break from the women in the family and their weird competitive games with each other. Anyway, she comes out to the patio and sits on a couch right behind me and starts rubbing my back. It’s like she was saying “Don’t forget I’m here, don’t forget to be ladylike,” etc.
Another thing - You cannot compliment another woman without her chiming in, relating the compliment back to herself somehow, and fishing for you to validate her as well. Everything, and I mean everything, leads back to herself, but in this faux-humble, insecure sort of way. She’s utterly exhausting.
Anyway, I’m just sick of this shit. I’m 36 years old. So I started to not let a single comment from her fly without directly addressing it in the moment. Every single one. Can I tell you — the way this woman backpedals! She’s stunned and absolutely cannot handle my confrontation. I’m never rude about it, just extremely direct. Now, I’m never going back! She doesn’t try things with me as much now.
I want to encourage anyone going through this same dynamic: Do not feel guilty for standing your ground. Not speaking up for yourself can ultimately harm your physical and mental health. I am learning that we teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate. It may be uncomfortable at first, but it is so worth it.
I don’t know how to overcome the resentment, but I’ll save that for another day.