Could I have saved my brother’s life?
My brother who was diagnosed with the bipolar disorder ten years ago, committed this April a suicide. He had his episodes (mania, depression) 10 years ago, then he managed to get out of them and finally he even managed to live without taking the drugs and his life was quite stable. He was never really himself anymore (he used to spread the conspiracy theories or talked about physics very detailly) but he was still my brother and we spent good times together during that time. He also got married and became a father. Unfortunately last year the mania came back, he was hospitalized many times and this year he was in depression. He came out of the hospital and didn't want to talk to anyone besides his wife. He also visited his doctor. The medication he used had strong side effects and he couldn't bear them (constipation, couldn't sleep or nightmares when he slept). He wanted lithium and wrote about it to his doctor but couldn't wait for it and in April he committed a suicide.
I feel devastated because I feel I did nothing to save him. I stayed away because he didn't want to talk to anyone and I listened to his wife who kept saying that I cannot help anyhow and I sincerely believed my brother will come out of it himself like last time, I didn't want to interfere. Now, that he is gone, I realize what he went through and the guilt is all over me because I could have done so many things to help him.
I could have helped him to find a new doctor who would prescribe different medicine, I could have helped him to find a support group (people who have the same illness and function with it) to show him it is possible to live with this disorder, I could have visited him more, talked to him more, bring my kid to him more often to joy him up, I could have helped him find a job (he was worried that he won't find any) as I had some ideas and eventually he could have easily even worked in my own company. I could have just stepped up and caid "No-one is left behind! I will help you!". But I did nothing because I didn't know things are so bad. I am angry at myself for listening his wife and not trying to do anything. And I am so sad because I honestly believe if I have saved him we could have had ten more stable years ahead. Now he cannot see his daughter growing up. No he cannot see my kid going to school. My kid has no uncle anymore (he was an amazing uncle). My niece has no father. I don't have a brother anymore.