Grieving My Mom
I’m 25 and the oldest of four. My siblings are 23,23, and 18. My mom was diagnosed with brain cancer in June of 2022, after we found her seizing in the kitchen, she was 40. The doctors told us we had 3 months left with her, but thankfully we got 3 years with her. She passed in March of this year at 43.
My mom knew her time was coming. The night before she lost her ability to control her body, she hugged me tightly for 10 minutes and kept repeating “I love you”. The next day was the beginning of the end.
The last 5 days of my mom’s life was incredibly traumatic. I can’t stop replaying her grabbing my face and telling me that she can’t do this anymore, screaming out to God to help her. We’ve talked about her passing often, she expressed how scared she was, and I think that she was terrified in the end. I remember when she lost her ability to speak and in between her seizures, she’d look at me and just cry. I asked lots of yes or no questions and she’d squeeze once for yes and twice for no.
The final day, we took her to the hospital because hospice did all they could do for pain management, even though my mom was adamant about passing at home. She has seized on and off for about 12 hours prior and she needed more pain management.
At the hospital, they washed her hair, but weren’t trying to brush it? That’s one thing I remember so clearly because I insisted that they brushed her hair. After they brushed her hair, she started seizing again. My family gathered around her bed and said the Lord’s Prayer, and when we said “Amen”, my mom took her final breath.
I remember not wanting to leave her and smelling her hair. I miss her. I miss her laugh, her embrace, her ability to bring light to any room. My mom was naïve, but she was the kindest person that I knew. She was my best friend, my confidant, and my mother all in one. I’m lost without her.
I just wanted to write about her.