r/motherlessdaughters

Hi everyone, apologies if you’ve seen me post before, but I’m currently looking for one more participant for my Master’s dissertation study.

The research explores the experiences of adults who lost a parent during childhood and were supported by their surviving parent through grief and upbringing.

To take part, you must:
• Be 18+
• Have lost a parent during childhood (5+ years ago)
• Feel emotionally comfortable discussing your experiences

The study involves an online interview taking place this or next weekend.

I also have lived experience in this area, so this research is very personal to me and approached with care and sensitivity.

If you’re interested, please private message me and I’ll send full study details, university information, and my research poster.

Thank you so much!
Emma 🙂

I (18f) grew up with my mother and only her. My dad walked out and he came in and out of my life often. My mother since growing up has used physical abuse as punishing when I would do normal child mistakes- my mother got pregnant with my two siblings when she was 15 and never got to go to school or any of that she has no job and relies heavily on the government . Growing up I normalized all of the abuse and I always said to myself she doesn’t know better. But that was until this year.
I have 3 jobs and I’m top of my class going into a prestigious university, I’m not a bad kid. I don’t even go out with friends. But I got a boyfriend, and I tried my best to make her get along with him or even try- even if it’s just a teenage relationship I still wanted her to try, and she showed me she couldn’t change. She would slut shame me everyday threaten me to tell his parents and school stuff about me and overall continue the abusive behaviour. I was trying to be understanding until she hit me so hard it left a huge scar. I went to school and the teachers reported it and next thing you know I’m telling Cps The truth about my whole life and they are giving me funds to move out.
A week ago I left my mother behind, I tried to say goodbye and she wouldn’t say anything. A few days before I left we got into an argument and I yelled harsh things and she started crying and she also said how now that she won’t get benefits or funds from me she will be homeless or extremely poor (my two siblings support her too but I was the biggest money maker for her from the government) and she said she’s fallen back into depression and wants to kill herself. I felt extremely guilty and horrible. But I know that I shouldn’t. I moved out and haven’t looked back and she even stated that even if I regret it and come crawling back- she wouldn’t accept me. I have her email since I was the one who sent all her emails and did stuff and before I logged out I saw she has a prescription for a number of depression medicine as well as therapy appointments, she told all family friends she does not want to hear or see from me in any way.
I feel alone and guilty, I’m still with the boyfriend by the way but even though she doesn’t understand, this was never about him but instead of the abuse that never grew or changed.
My teachers are my biggest supporters right now and they are even giving me gently used clothes or groceries and are sweethearts. I’m still doing really well with work, school and all of it. I even run charity events when I’m the one who also really needs charity. But I often miss her and I saw a picture of her and she looked awful. Dead in Real life, all her friends say the same. I feel a huge heavy feeling of guilt.

I lost my mum about 3 years ago now, when i was about 12 years old.
Up until around that point i was very much in my (for want of a better word) ‘tomboy era’ where i was absolutely rejecting anything feminine. As a result of this, and my age, my mum never really got the opportunity to teach me anything like shaving, buying bras etc etc. I’m absolutely clueless when it comes to a lot of things like buying bras etc, and so i just get so overwhelmed and emotional whenever i try because it feels like it always goes wrong. I don’t know how to ask anyone for help and just end up feeling so much shame when i do, and nobody understands this so its just so i just stay away from it but i really can’t keep doing so because i’ve been wearing a sports bra for over a year because everytime i try to buy a new bra, it’s too small or it’s the wrong type or it’s just goes do wrong somehow.

I have my older sister, she’s two year older than me (about to turn 18) but i don’t feel comfortable asking her any of this stuff. It’s not because of her, but i feel so stupid and shameful every single damn time i try to ask because, to her, this stuff is obvious and she just can’t understand how i get so stressed about it or how i can keep getting it all so wrong. I tried buying bras on my own once, but panicked so much and ended up buying extreme push ups (yup i realized soon after i chose the wrong ones), i felt so ashamed of myself and just hid them at the back of my cupboard, my sister ended up finding them and took the piss out of me. She thought it was funny and kept asking me why on earth i would buy them but everytime she did i just kept hating myself a little more for being so so fucking stupid.

Writing this i just want to scream, because it all sounds so petty and small and i only came here to write a small message asking for advice but it’s turned into this and i actually just don’t know how i’ll be able to function much longer like this.
Growing up, i rejected all femininity but as years went by it became more because i thought i could never be feminine than because i didn’t want to. Now the thought of attempting to wear a dress or straighten my hair or anything just makes me feel like an imposter, not because i don’t want to do these things but because i just can’t break down the walls and expectations i built for myself.

I try to ask my sister for advice but she cannot comprehend the fact that i don’t know, i was never taught, i never had friends i could ask for help on this, and i’ve just built up so much shame around these things that i can’t even teach myself and have put them off as long as possible.
I originally only came on here to ask for advice on just like the first paragraph but have had to stop myself going off on even more of a tangent
Thankyou if you made it to the end

My mom and my dad got divorced when I was around 5-6, and I’m now 13. There’s so many things about my body and growing and finance that I know zero about. I know about my period and stuff, I have a tracker, but I don’t even know how discharge works, what infections looks like, when breasts are supposed to enlarge, and so much more. I was never taught to shave, my anatomy, how to find a bra size, how to take care of my hair, etcetera. I see my mom almost every weekend, I live with my dad, and there’s zero time to ever talk. I just wanna know the basics of what there is (for reference, I have long hair that’s curly when first drying, but idk if I brush it or comb it or what) and to know what to expect in life.

Caregiving is so complex. I spent so much time grieving the version of my mom before she developed Parkinson’s disease. I missed who she used to be so deeply. But now that it’s been eight months since she passed, I find myself missing the sick version of her too.

Even though the disease changed her so much … she became mean at times, unable to move, and didn’t always feel like my “real” mom anymore. I still miss her terribly. Sometimes I’ll just be going about my day and suddenly get hit with little flashbacks or reminders of her. 😞

She was such a ball breaker. So sassy. And Parkinson’s made her incredibly cranky. A year ago, I never would have believed I’d someday miss that version of her too.

I hate admitting this, but during caregiving there were moments when I felt like I hated her. Looking back, I know I didn’t actually hate her … I was exhausted, overwhelmed, physically drained, and grieving in real time while trying to care for someone I loved!!!! That aged me like ten years. Caregiving brings out such dark, complicated emotions. We think things we never imagined we could think, and then later carry guilt for having those feelings at all. It’s such a painful, complex kind of love.

PLEASE DONT BASH ME

recently just found out my mom actually died from Thyroid Cancer, CANCER! fucking cancer! after 8 long years of unanswered death cause. papa didn’t confirm it, BUT when the doctor asks you to choose between radiation therapy and surgery, that means cancer. for 8 years, i’ve only asked him twice of my mom’s cause of death as it is STILL a sensitive topic for us pero he would only answer diabetes related problem so when people ask me, i’d also just say diabetes. grabe, it was cancer pala! hindi ko alam bat ngayon ko lang nririnig ito. and you know whats worse? she just let the disease kill her, no management or intervention because she apparently said na she’ll die eventually but HELL how could you say that when you have 5 kids at home?????????? just HOW???? why didn’t you put up a fight? even just for us? or just pretend you were fighting? kasi we were so young eh. i was only 10. 10!!!!!! i was forced to grow up, forced to pack my siblings’ bags, forced to do house chores, to do laundry. i was only 10 for god’s sake. i shouldve been living how normal 10 year olds live but instead, i would go home first before my playmates to cook rice. i was forced to tap my own shoulder, to wipe my own tears, and to rub my little sibling’s back before sleeping.

pero i’m not mad. di ko alam what was on her mind that time. also i’m not here to qestion our fate kasi nangyari na e malaki na ako. i’m just ranting here kasi cancer can be inherited. papacheck up ako and my other little sisters next week. not for me, but for the family i’ll have in the future.

lastly, i just wanted to ask, are we not worthy enough for you to fight that damn cancer? we were children, mama.

Not dangerous… just the strange, impulsive, irrational & deeply human things nobody really talks about.

For me, when I lost my mum, it was things like:
- agreeing to fly to a wedding in Italy with someone I barely knew, it was a disaster

- absolutely losing my shit at a car rental place over something minor and bursting into tears (they were wrong… but my reaction was wildly out of character)

- listening to the same song on repeat because it was the only thing that made me feel close to them

- ignoring texts for days and then feeling upset nobody was checking in

I’m building content around the realities of grief that people don’t talk about enough, and I’d genuinely love to hear others’ examples.

What’s something grief had you doing that was a little bit unhinged?

I booked a cabin out in the woods alone. Got her a balloon and some flowers and brought her urn with me. I let her favorite movie play in the background while I cried my eyes out on the patio while watching the rain.

I’m wearing her nightgown to bed and I put on a little bit of her perfume.

She was my best best friend in the whole world. Nobody will ever love me like she did. I miss her so so much.

I hope you can feel my love from here sweet lady🤍

I'm guessing that I'm not the only on that's feeling down right now. I really brings me comfort to talk about my grief, but I also noticed how much joy it brings me to just talk about the kind of person my mom was. Please if you want to, feel free to share some things that your mom loved to do, or what she was like.

My mom really like Mexican food and she loved music. She had a ton of CD's that are all in my room now. She especially loved Celia Cruz and sometimes when I came home from school, I'd find her in the living room with loud salsa music on and her wanting to dance with me. My mom loved organising events and voluntered at my and my brother's high-school and basketball team. She organised every birthday and always baked the most amazing and delicious cakes. She loved cats. I don't remember a time where we didnt have cats in our home, and I still have the two cats that used to live at my moms house. She is still the strongest and most resilient person I've ever known, and I really miss her❤️

I try so hard to avoid existing every year on this day. (26 F) I have struggled so hard to pick up the pieces after my mom died. I had to clean her apartment all by myself, make her funeral arrangements, take in her cats. I want to LOSE it. It’s been 3 years and I still feel underwater. I have 3$ to my name until my next paycheck so I can’t even do anything for myself to try to make today easier. Can anyone tell me when it gets easier ??? Pls

I am almost 60 years old, an only child and had a good relationship with my mother until last November 2025 when she decided she couldn’t deal with the stress and anxiety of the chronic illness that has become my life since January 2025.

She is married and even though she is older, and other than typical age related aches and pains, she is well ie no illnesses or conditions that keep her from doing the things she enjoys, walking, seeing friends, dining out, driving.

I was diagnosed with a chronic illness and have been mostly bedridden for over one year. I have been hospitalized 4 times in 5 months. My mother did not visit or call any of those times. The last time we spoke was on the phone in November at which time she yelled at me and hung up.

She then proceeded to go away for 6 months during the winter and has now returned for good. I reached out to her numerous times by email over the last few months and most of my emails were ignored. The last one was a couple of weeks ago wherein I expressed how hurt I am for her to completely disengage from my life, especially during what has been the most terrifying time of my life being ill every day and not knowing when or if I will get better.

I am also a mother of two loving children whom have stood by my side during this illness, and I know that I could never turn my back on either of them if they were suffering.

I am divorced and live alone and my daughter has been staying with me for the last few months following one of my hospitalizations.

How does one process these feelings and the reality of the situation. My mother and I were always close and shared everything. I never would have imagined our relationship would become no contact. This is something I never chose but then again neither was my illness. I have never received an explanation from her or apology for just stopping all communication except to say she hopes I feel better and she is unable to see me as she isn’t doing well physically or emotionally.

I truly empathize that as parents age and they become limited in mobility and mentally, I can’t condone just cutting a child out because their illness is too stressful. My heart is literally broken and I’m trying to come to terms with it.

My mother committed suicide November 8th, 2020. I was 14. I avoid the anniversary of her death, the funeral, her birthday, and any other significant dates. They are something I can hide and not acknowledge. Mother’s Day is the one day a year I actually have to acknowledge all of this. I hate Mother’s Day and what it has become. I’m so jealous of everybody who can go to brunch or brag on their mom on social media. I’m only 20, and my mom has been gone for 6 years. How is everybody coping with today? I need some ideas.

I don’t even know where to begin.
I miss my mom more than words can describe.
My mom passed on New Year’s Day this year and so much was going on in my life at that time I feel like I still haven’t processed it fully. I had semirecently gotten out of a 7 year relationship and started seeing someone new. Who, might I add, has been the most amazing support system through this whole process. I have two daughters both of their birthdays are in January as is mine. So I’m trying to keep the happy face on for them. My dad is disabled so I was trying to take care of him and their house and figure out bills and do everything my mother was doing. I’m an only child so a lot fell on my shoulders.
I want to preface this by saying my mom was a long time alcoholic and had cirrhosis which was her ultimate demise. Even through the alcoholism she loved me endlessly. She was my best friend, the best mother, and the best grandmother I could ever hope for.
I had just talked to her the night before. I told her I loved her and I would talk to her in the morning. The morning came and I couldn’t talk to her anymore.
I just keep reliving the day she died. Getting the phone call that she wasn’t breathing. MY DAUGHTER being the one to find her unresponsive. Sitting in the ER room with buckets and buckets of blood. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life. Looking at the machines breathing for her and every time she took a breath the blood would pool in her mouth. Being the person to say “it’s time to stop trying”. I feel guilt for saying it but I know she wasn’t coming back. The moment where it feels the world stops turning. The clock stops ticking but it never actually does. I feel like this pain will never leave. I wish I had a sibling to share this with right now.
I’m a mother and I should be happy and celebrating with my daughters but I was a daughter for way longer and it’s hurts knowing I don’t have a mother to say happy Mother’s Day too.

Edit to add
I’ve dealt with ALOT of loss in my life as it is and never had this hurt more.
I’ve lost my husband and my best friend and then my mom. My dad is currently still in the hospital because he almost died two weeks ago because he stopped caring after my mom died and my god I can’t catch a fuckinf break ever I feel like I’m cursed at this point.

Ever since my mom died, I feel like something in me changed. I’m way more sensitive emotionally than I used to be. The last time I remember my feelings getting hurt this easily was when I was around 19. Back then, I would go through long depressive episodes over really small things, but I’d also get overly excited about little things too. I had no middle ground emotionally. Things started to balance out after I had my daughter at 21. For years I felt more emotionally stable and grounded. But now I’m 36, living away from home with my two kids, my boyfriend, and his mom, and I feel like I’ve completely regressed emotionally. His mom is extremely passive aggressive, and even little comments from her affect me deeply. I can’t seem to control my emotions anymore. I end up taking it out on my boyfriend, and I know it’s hurting him too. We used to do everything together and genuinely enjoy each other, but now it feels like one or both of us always has an attitude. Our relationship has become a roller coaster. Something that feels important to mention is that his mom moved in with us two weeks before my mom suddenly died. The passive aggressive behavior from her started about two weeks after my mom passed, and I honestly think the combination of grief and tension in the house completely broke something in me emotionally. I know I probably need therapy, but I can’t afford it right now. I just feel overwhelmed, emotionally reactive, and exhausted all the time. I don’t know if this is unresolved grief, depression, burnout, or all of it together. He said, he’s starting to feel like this is the type of relationship he doesn’t want to be in. I need to learn to turn off my emotions. How can I stop caring?

I lost my mom to addiction + mental illness just before my 8th birthday. It’s been 20 years and the pain/sadness is less frequent, but still hurts just as much every time it hits me. I think I attribute a lot of it to a strange sort of survivor’s guilt — I got to leave the streets for a home and an education, while she lost her child. My parents were abusive, homophobic, hated my mom, and only saw her in me, but I turned out alright.

As I get older, every milestone comes with the feeling of looking around the room and not finding her there. I know she never will be, but I think the pain of knowing that she’s somewhere out there is worse than if I knew for a fact that she’s dead. I hate that I even typed that out, it sounds so horrible to say.

Mother’s Day is this weekend — which is normally a sad day for me, but I’ve spent it with my partner’s family the last 6 years and that definitely helps distract me/soften the hurt. We got in a big argument a couple days ago, and today she told me that I’m uninvited from Mother’s Day with her family. In the moment I shrugged it off, but now all of these emotions are hitting me.

It felt very intentional, like my grief was being weaponized against me. It was as if she tried to find the thing that would hurt me the most in that moment, and I hate to admit that it kinda worked. I try to desensitize myself from sharp-tongued comments or people saying things in the heat of the moment that they might not truly mean — but I can’t bring myself to forgive that right now. She hasn’t taken it back or apologized, but even then, I don’t know if I can bring myself to go.

For now, my plan for Sunday is to peruse this sub with a bottle of Sauv Blanc — upvoting each post as I go. Thanks for listening♥️

It’s been 5 years but Mother’s Day, birthday, and the passing anniversary are all in the same 3 months and every time I feel so sad and I’m just wondering if anyone has any advice about how to better get through those days?