u/AffectionateCan7812

My mom died right before I entered middle school, my dad doesn’t talk to me, and my sisters are cut off from me due to decisions in life. I also recently left my church because I figured out it was a cult after being raised in it for so many years. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life, so it’s not anything new, but I just feel so alone and so much anger. Like, I hate my sisters, and my church, and the friends and family who have left me but I also miss them a lot. I miss my niece and nephews who were like my babies, we did everything together and I now I can’t see them. All of my friends from church are distant or don’t talk to me, my family left when my mom became ill and disappeared after she died, and it seems like no matter how hard I try to make friends, go out, people just leave or decline my invitation over and over again. And I know what I should do, therapy and keep trying, but I’m just so angry and tired. It’s exhausting and stressful and I just miss my mom. Everyone talks about their moms annoying them or talking to their mom about stuff and I just can’t and I feel bitter. I just miss my family, I miss my mom and sisters and nieces and nephews.

So it’s been four years since I moved out of my family’s house and three years since I went no contact with them. After my mom died (I was 11) I was taken out of school about a year and a half later and homeschooled (7th grade) because my caretakers (family members) were very religious and were upset that I listened to music, watched anime, etc. After that I was only allowed to go to church and home and could only be friends with vetted out church members and their children. This left me very isolated and I went from a confident and bubbly to this girl who just had this huge burden on her shoulders. I had to take care of kids and adults who weren’t mentally well and having marital problems and it was a lot for me. And I also had to uphold this perfect Christian girl persona. After leaving home I literally didn’t have any social skills and could only talk to super religious church people in this semi cult I was raised in. And now I’m having these nightmares of being trapped in that damn house again and I can’t escape and I hate it. I’m so young and I just wanna have fun and leave this stuff behind and it just keeps coming back. I’m terrible at making friends, I have no friends from my childhood, and I just feel like absolute shit. I just miss my mama and the way I was before all of this shit happened to me.