Binge eating in recovery HUGE RANT
TW: NEGATIVE TALK/ CALORIES/ BODY IMAGE
I know eating a lot is the norm in recovery. I know a lot of women and girls experiencing EH often eat more than 3k, maybe more than 5-7k calories. I know it is completely normal after starving ourselves, restricting, overexercising etc for a long amount of time to get the urge to eat everything in sight. I KNOW, IM NOT HERE TO JUDGE OR INVALIDATE OR SUGGEST ANYTHING.
However, I also think some of us simply experience binge eating episodes and not actual extreme hunger, and I think we should be careful b4 encouraging "all-in" as it isn't always what we actually need, but maybe it's going from one extreme (starving) to the other (BED).
All this yapping just because I need to vent. I need to tell this to someone who's not my therapist (being a professional doesn't mean he understands shit, and good for him actually cz I don't wish this on anyone), who provides practical advice but little to no emotional support; or my family, who didn't understand why I was starving just months ago and are definitely not gonna put themselves in my shoes now that I'm eating like a wild beast some days.
I just feel so miserable. I try to hide it, try to act like the disgusting amounts of food that I consumed today at an attempt to feel comforted and safe, even if just for a fleeting moment, don't affect at all. I feel like a pig, eating more than any grown man in my family (I'm 16 btw) and then barely moving throughout the day. I feel so, so guilty and so inferior compared to other girls my age, who are all suddenly going on diets and to the gym and/or simply have good relationships with food.
I also feel so jealous of anyone who can skip meals, eat small portions or not have any snacks/dessert, and not feel like shit and have crazy food noise.
I'm definitely not comfortable in my skin anymore. Not like I was at my worst during my ED, but at least I saw myself as disciplined, as an example. I was "an almond daughter". Hell I even erased meat from my diet for a while with no issue.
The food noise was terrible, but I was somehow at peace with myself, unlike now.
Cause tell me why the fuck can't I no longer do something as simple as not overeating to the point of feeling nauseous? Why the fuck did I eat like four bowls of granola and an entire tub of fage yogurt as an afternoon SNACK today (on top everything else prior) and still had room for more? Why? And why do some people encourage this?
IM NOT HUNGRY, IM OUT OF CONTROL. I need help, not more food and encouragement, and I know I'm not the only one in this situation.
I barely feel physically hungry ,never have in my life tbh, but the food noise is insane. The only difference is that now I give into it some days instead of ignoring it and starving (which I know was terrible please don't misunderstand me) and I'm paying the consequences by gaining weight and feeling bloated and nauseous and so disgusted and disappointed in myself whenever this happens.
It's not like I have these episodes everyday, but when I do, maybe once per week, I feel so helpless and ashamed.
I also know it's making me gain weight faster than I'd like. And I still haven't had signs of my period, so basically all this is for nothing.
I don't feel good about myself, I still don't have my period, and my parents have to spend more money on groceries because every once in a while I feel like ravaging the kitchen and can't do much about it.
Please can anyone help. Any actual advice, anything to feel a bit better about myself? I just can't do this. I don't wanna wait another week for my therapist's appointment just to feel him be disappointed or smth nor do I wanna make my parents worry more about me.
I'm so fucking scared of developing BED and the possibility of binging like every day if I don't receive actual help. I barely can look at myself in the mirror anymore