A few issues before the Islamic marriage
I’m 28F and he’s 31 for context.
I’m going to be having my Fatiha/ketb kitab/3a9d/nikkah (whatever you call it) in about a month. It’s going to be very intimate with just family at home.
However, a few things have come up and I’m not sure if I should be putting the brakes on things or if I should just be understanding about the situation.
I’ve known this man for about 5–6 months now. He’s met my family and they approve. His parents don’t approve because we’re from different countries, etc but that’s another thing.
From the beginning, we both agreed we didn’t want to prolong things unnecessarily and wanted to keep things halal, which is why we’re planning to get islamically married in about a month. But recently he’s brought up a few things that have made me unsure.
I asked for a specific amount for mahr. It honestly wasn’t a crazy amount at all and people even told me I should ask for more, but I didn’t want to switch up on him after discussing it. At first he asked, “Which currency do you want it in?” and it was a serious question. It’s between two western currencies and the difference isn’t huge, but I found that a bit odd.
Now he’s saying he can only give me 20% of the mahr upfront and the rest later because otherwise he’d have to go further into debt. He knows I hate debt, so part of me is wondering if he was trying to guilt trip me or not.
We also went to look at rings together so he could see what I like. I already had a specific place in mind that does exactly the style I want, and the ring would cost 4 figures. He seemed completely okay with it. Rings aren’t exactly cheap unless you change all the materials, so now I’m confused. If he can only afford 20% of my mahr right now, and the ring itself would cost 20% of the mehr how is he planning to afford that too?
We won’t be having the actual wedding for another few months, so now I’m wondering if I should just ask for the ring and the rest of the mahr then instead.
I really like this man and we’re genuinely very compatible. I think we could have a great marriage, but I also don’t want to ignore important signs. At the same time, I don’t want to burden him beyond what he can handle either.
What’s confusing me is that he earns 6 figures, so I’m struggling to understand why this is becoming an issue right now. I do know he recently moved to my city which comes with expenses, and he still has debt he hasn’t cleared yet. But he was also living at home for over a year before this. When we met, neither of us were really looking for marriage so maybe he didn’t have time to prepare?
Do I ask him for a much clearer financial picture and work around what he realistically has? Since we’re already keeping the Islamic marriage very intimate and simple, should I just delay the rest of these things until the wedding in a few months?
I also genuinely don’t want a ring he can’t afford because every time I wear it, I’ll just wonder whether he went into debt for it.
He’s also mentioned that he is able to provide. He just can’t provide a lot of luxury at the moment. I thought he was lowering my expectations but now I’m wondering.