u/Old-Personality-4180

I kind of lurked here for a while but never posted until now. My mother has narcisstic BPD, though undiagnosed, it's pretty obvious.

Throughout my entire life she would shift from being incredibly affectionate to enraged and controlling. She wanted to control the way I do hair, scolded me for how I interacted with friends, even the way I dressed, and has beat me for all of those reasons, once to the point of getting a concussion. She would claim that I was the reason my parents' marriages were failing, and in some of those heated arguements brought up insecurities I had such as my appearance (I'm much more confident about it now and think I'm quite pretty, but my mom is still much prettier and she brings it up often) and even told me to kill myself before when I'd confided while she was upset. Worst of all, when I was going through a friend group breakup where due to lies (the situation is fine now), I was socially excluded and could actively hear them spreading rumors about me during class to the point I developed severe social anxiety, my mother at her worst moments would claim that she felt bad for them for having me as a friend, when much of the friction was caused by her. (Always coming late etc). Hell I know pretty much every curse word in Korean under the sun because of the sheer amount of them she uses in a single sentence when ranting.

At the same time, when she wasn't in a mood, she was incredibly affectionate and caring, defended me from my dad, complimented me, and has even apologized (though it was more so like 'I'm sorry, you're so adorable, you made me so mad, so don't do it again'). Even though my dad doesn't have mental health disorders that I'm aware of, most of the time, she's much less quick to anger, more forgiving of mistakes like spilling drinks, and actually listens to my interests (though sometimes it's switched to 'you should be studying' etc). She's less restrictive and generally more agreeable and less pessimistic/more encouraging which is why I always, honestly, preferred her over my dad, even though she blamed me for things and had temper swings to the point of kicking me and my dad out of the house. I know she really does love me a lot, and I empathize with her a lot more than my dad even though he doesn't actually beat me, because she has a reason why: a bad home life etc. I know I should hate her but I really do love her and its often incredibly easy for me to overlook these moments, to the point that I can't stay mad even if I wanted to. The last time I talked to her was a week ago and I'm considering not contacting for a while, but honestly it's hard to.

Even today, whenever I tell friends who've met her, they don't believe me unless they have similar parents or if I show evidence. It's really impacted my friendships right now just like it had before. My mom's mood swings often meant that she'd threaten to not let me go to hangouts or parties but at the last minute, when it's late, change her mind. I tried to bring this up last time but she basically said, 'Princesses come late to parties because everyone waits for them'. She even does this herself, and my family's been late to gatherings because of this. This isn't really a problem when I'm away for college, but when I'm visiting my hometown, it's really difficult to deal with.

It's also impacted my therapy a lot. I have ADHD and social anxiety/C-PTSD (no surprise), and she often dismisses it or changes her mind on it. While my college is paid mostly through aid and scholarships, she funds a lot of my medical stuff, including therapy. I'm sure my dad could pay for it, but he's the type to believe parents and children must stick together.

I'm not sure if I completely want to stop talking to her, like I said, I still love her.When its not like extended time spent together, she's very supportive and easy to talk to. I know this really isn't healthy, and she refuses to go to therapy or believe she has BPD, but it's easier to deal with her issues from a distance. Is there any kind of advice on this?