Need your advice - I messed up
I am 20F and my ex 21M were together for 2 years and we still talk.
Context: when we started dating, I found 4-5 instances where he was texting girls he was with earlier or his situationships and also got super distant with his friend like 6 months into the relationship. I asked him why did he get distant and he brushed it off. Later I found out something happened between him and his friend’s gf and that’s why they stopped talking.
I was mad at him lying and not telling me the truth but also I didn’t had enough evidence to conclude he cheated.
I was young and dumb so I didn’t know what to do. I loved him but at the same time his actions made me want to take revenge. Since then, I treated him like shit but he stayed with me. Like I messed up a lot. Said things i shouldn’t have but he stayed. I cheated on him multiple times like 10-15 times that he didn’t know. Few of the people we both knew are aware of this. We had a common friend circle so I felt embarassed too but I was too blinded by what happened earlier and kept on cheating thinking I would feel ok once I take revenge. Finally we broke up cuz he was done with me treating him like shit (not cuz he knew i cheated)
But we never stopped talking. We are still in touch. He still wants me but I regret whatever I did and told him we cannot be together. I am trying to support him mentally in his life (family, financially and other issues) to make up for what I did which I know is no where close to recover. I come from a rich family and he is not that rich so he struggles financially and I do whatever i can but I know its just a way to make myself feel better.
I feel extremely guilty for what I did. I cry a lot daily because of this. I don’t know what to do. How to make up for it? The fact that he still wants to stay with me makes me sick of myself. I am not coming clean since I know it will just hurt him more and he would never be able to trust someone again. But this is eating me alive. I am the type of person who overthinks a lot. I would waste years just regretting what I did. I also feel bad for him. Sometimes I just think dying would be a better option instead of living like this. I can’t focus on school, career, anything.
I honestly don’t care what he did early on rn cuz what I did was infinitely worse. Now before you guys come at me, I know I am a piece of shit, belong to the streets and should never be trusted again. I abuse myself daily so feel free to do that if you guys want to as well but I also need genuine advice on how should I take it from here? I am not gonna come clean to him no matter what cuz I know he would go in depression if he got to know. But I feel he deserves to know at the same time else I think he would still think of me as a good gf all his life.