We all know what it’s like in the beginning. For many of us it’s pure bliss. And then things change. Do they know present as some super perfect partner in the beginning vs what it devolves into? Are they aware they are masking?
Strange Hoover last night. For context, I have been NC with my pwBPD for over a year. It was an exhausting 12 month experience… typical love bomb fairytale beginning followed my constant crises, test, and emotional whiplash. Toward the end it was emotionally exhausting. She had staring comparing me to her exs and told me all the ways I wasn’t there for her. She told me she “didn’t want this anymore” and she told me she “didn’t want me to come back”and I accepted. I didn’t fight or argue. I agreed that she should have what she wants in a relationship. I was relieved.
We haven’t spoken in a year. A few days ago I noticed she unblocked me on socials. I ignored it. Yesterday she reached out and started saying she was disappointed that I “hadn’t come gotten” me and she just wanted to put it all out there incase I still wanted her. I explained to her that I accepted what she told me a year ago and I had worked to undo everything to move on. This pissed her off and “mad her feel sad”. I shouldn’t have talked to her at all but I didn’t feed into it, I didn’t escalate, I didn’t rehash. I just told her she was clear a year ago and that’s what I have been working with. She huffed and puffed and I went to bed. Haven’t heard anything today, hopefully I won’t.
Jesus it is strange. You tell someone to never come back, you don’t, and a year later they are trying to explain away what they meant. Exhausting.
Note: I once saw this quote/screenshot on her computer and it really opened my eyes. She had moments of self awareness.
Understanding it would be the exception, not the rule, has anyone been able to have an honest conversation with your pwBPD about why you can’t have a relationship with them?
For context, my pwBPD is 40yo and we have been NC for 6 months. She tries to contact me, I know she’s spiraling, and I feel bad for her. I was able to separate myself from her before all the abusive things that you read on this sub, although I suspect it would have gone that direction if I had stayed. She’s done *some* DBT.
Anyway, I wish I could have an honest conversation with her and just say have her understand. Not to blame her, just to have her understand exactly what my rationale is. I would tell her:
I can’t be with you because I don’t think you can love me long term the way I could with you. Our relationship has been up and down and I think the moment you find someone new and shiny you are going to shift all your attention and focus onto that person. Where would that leave me? And I don’t blame you as a person for this but you have a condition that makes it nearly impossible for you to resist those feelings. I can’t knowingly invest all my time and energy into this knowing that it could all crumble at the drop of a hat. I know you say you want this to be forever, and I believe you when you say that, but we know how you feel changes with the wind. I want to be with you but I can’t continue knowing our connection is likely temporary. You say you want something that lasts, and I believe you, until you feel the emptiness and someone else catches your eye…. And you start to believe that person is the answer to your problems in the same way you once thought I was. I know you can’t help it, and I know you think this time will be different, but I don’t.
Conceptually, I understand this but it difficult to separate their actions and motivations from the disorder. My pwBPD could hold down a job and was reasonably successful. She was high functioning and had a few stable but somewhat superficial friendships. But the while she could hold the mask to function in the world she was always complaining or badmouthing people, buttering up those she felt could be of benefit of her in some way, or insanely jealous of others relationships, free time, or really anything positive anyone else had. By the end, while I was slowly withdrawing, all I could think about how she would drop anyone or anything to fill the void.
I still think about her often, but I don’t want back into that dynamic. I’m sure she’s in the honeymoon phase with someone else… part of me misses that feeling but mostly I’m disgusted by it. At 40 years old how can someone just keep going through the cycle with different people? After one relationship I’m absolutely exhausted, 6 month out…. And they just keep going.
The moments of clarity they had were also disturbing. “I do things that make me feel good”, “I wish people were more like dogs and just acted on their emotions”, “I don’t like people for long”, “I just liked that way he made me feel”. It’s so disturbing to have heard her say so many odd things that matched up with the BPD way of thinking. Like she was self aware but it didn’t matter in the end. Borderlines are going to borderline.