Am I being unreasonable for considering ending my relationship because of his family and his lack of direction in life?
I’m an Asian and currently living in Germany with my German boyfriend. We had a major argument last night, and I ended up telling him I’m seriously considering breaking up.
There are two main issues.
The first is his family.
When I first arrived in Germany, his mother made me feel extremely uncomfortable about not speaking German yet. She spoke German around me even though I couldn’t understand anything, made comments that felt mocking about my lack of German, and I felt like I had to repeatedly prove to her that I was actually trying to learn.
On my very first day here, we went to a restaurant and I struggled to order in German. The server became visibly annoyed with me, and his mother just sat there without helping.
His father is less intense, but he also constantly pushes me to do everything in German.
Recently, my boyfriend himself commented that he had realized his mother seems prejudiced against Middle Eastern men. I responded that I wasn’t surprised, because from the beginning I had already felt that she had some xenophobic/racist attitudes based on how she treated me.
Instead of understanding what I meant, my boyfriend became defensive and said something like, “No, she’s fine with women. We weren’t talking about you.”
That frustrated me because my point wasn’t that she specifically hates me. My point was that her behavior toward me had already made me notice a pattern.
These early experiences affected me more than I expected. For a long time I became anxious about going outside alone, doing errands in German, meeting his friends, or spending time with his family because I felt like I would constantly be judged.
The second issue is my boyfriend himself.
He has been unemployed for around two years. He is German, has a bachelor’s degree in a field with decent career options, speaks the language, and is good with numbers.
Meanwhile, I’m a foreigner here, my degree isn’t directly related to what I’m doing, my German is still a work in progress, and I’ve still managed to find part-time work and get interviews while continuing to study German and apply for other jobs.
What bothers me isn’t simply that he doesn’t currently have a job. It’s that I don’t see much urgency from him.
He often sleeps around 11 hours, goes to bed very late, wakes up in the afternoon, smokes, and generally seems comfortable with his current situation because he receives unemployment benefits and also makes some money from crypto.
He says he has been trying very hard to find work, but from my perspective his daily behavior doesn’t match that.
One example really upset me. He accused me of never sending him a CV template I had made for him. I was sure I had sent it. We checked our messages, and it turned out I had sent it — he simply never opened it.
That made me realize I’m starting to feel like I’m responsible for pushing his life forward.
I work, clean the house, study German, prepare for interviews, and keep looking for better work. I don’t expect him to have the exact same personality or productivity level as me, but I need to feel that my partner is actively building a future with me.
My biggest fear is financial security.
If his unemployment benefits stop and his crypto income becomes unreliable, my part-time income cannot support both of us. I’m scared that if I build my long-term life around this relationship, I could eventually end up financially trapped or even without stable housing.
At the same time, he does love me and has been incredibly generous toward me. He takes care of me in many ways and has even helped my family financially in the past, including paying off a debt for my father.
That’s why I feel guilty.
But I’m starting to think that love and generosity might not be enough if I don’t feel safe about our future, and if being with him also means permanently dealing with a family environment where I don’t feel accepted.
Last night I told him I wanted to break up.
Am I being unreasonable or too demanding? Or are these legitimate compatibility issues to end a long-term relationship over?