Seeking help with p addiction.
31f
I'm so disgusted and embarrassed about this. I don't know if addicted is the correct term, but I watch p*rn and mast--bate a few times a week. I don't find it normal and instead feel gross about it. I don't want to go in that direction. But I think it comes from this deep deep Void of never receiving love as a child, especially from my father, and instead being neglected and abused as a child that I genuinely don't know what love actually looks like and my brain equates the physical act of making love to actual love. Because its logic is "do whatever it takes to experience being loved". The need is so desperate. It hurts like a pain in chest.
I feel scared my mind may be getting weaker because how is dominating me with turning to p*rn. I struggle to speak up where it's actually needed, like asking back for my change at the grocery store.
I don't even like or appreciate the concept of p*rn but I feel I've just never felt safe with anyone so I'm so afraid of true intimacy with a real person. I'm working on my childhood issues in ACA and recently joined slaa (in the first 6 meetings) I resonate with the love Anorexia and fantasy description. In retrospect, I feel this addiction is just a subconscious urge to find love and experience being loved.
I don't know what the hell to do about this. I promised myself that I won't go back to p*rn as it was my rock bottom that brought me to slaa but it just pulls me back into itself even if for a few minutes and I end up wasting hours in self loathing and disgust.
I want to come out of this. Can someone please help and tell me if there is a way out of this? What the hell am I going through.. like a compulsive need to find and receive live at any cost, even if it feels disgusting after!
I feel afraid to speak up at meetings about this. Especially more so because I'm a woman. Women aren't supposed to talk about sexuality. But this is screwing me over hence asking for help here. Thanks.
(Please be gentle and non-judgemental in feedback.)
(I'm sorry if this is too explicit for this sub, mod can delete.)