u/Omnipotent-Bread

Damnnnn 🤣🤣❄️🦉🏆

🤠🤡🤠🤡🤠🤡🤠🤡🤠🤡

Thrilled to be the 125th viewer on Sean's grand return spitting TRUTH (lying through his stankmouth) on podcasts.  🥳

The Dad Bod duo are giddy as fuck to have him on their show.  One just said that he has "fantastic hat taste."  Cmon he looks like a boiled lobster that raided Diane Keaton's closet and swiped her wide brim felt hat collection.  "Fantastic" isn't the word he was looking for. 

Upon being asked that age old question, "Who is Sean Whalen?" he smugly replies "Just Google me."  He adds "I'm not being arrogant but if you want to know about my past go Google me, it's all there."  

But those of us sadly familiar with this apex douche simply know that he can't help himself and is going to rehash all the same bullshit talking points about himself and how awesome he is in about ten seconds.  And without fail, here they come 🙄🙄

Starting off with the part about what a complex and diverse being he is.  "I get pigeonholed as the guy who loves the guns and the ranch and the masculine and yet I'll go spend six hours in my basement painting.  I love art!  I love books!"  

Doesn't this sound like something that Ron Burgundy would spout off while martini drunk at a pool party?  Really, Sean?  Are you kind of a big deal?  Are they leatherbound books??  So mysterious.  So complex.  Sean.  🤠🤡

Oh!  Here is a true crowd pleaser on Ol'Gramps repeat cycle - The Zoolander rant!! - "Who am I?  Why am I here?  I get asked all the time, what does Lions Not Sheep mean?  One day the three words just came to me!"  We fucking know, dummy.  God saved his most profound work for you.  Neat. 👍

Oh jeezus not the lighthouse story again I can't take it!!  

"der r tugbotez and der r litehouzez.  i am duh litehouss cuz me a beekun."  FUCKKKKK!!!!! 🤠🤡🤠🤡

Next up, right on cue, that downright hilarious tripe about that one time that he stuck a gun in his mouth.  Anyone with a moderately functional bullshit sniffer can detect this flagrant lowbrow selling point.  Apparently, our two enamored hosts' sniffers are broken.  

At this point they resemble a couple of quivering fan boys, hanging on the edge of ecstasy on Sean's every slime deception.  It's pretty adorable, actually.  But yep, there was the gun-in-mouth part.  Any guesses which one he'll pull out next?? 🙋🏼‍♂️❓

If you guessed the part where he jizzes in his skinny jeans over that one scene in the movie '300,' welllll....kinda.  It gets a bit complicated here. 🫤

We've all heard DumDumMan wax nostalgic over the part where King Leonidas glances over to his queen before Sparta-kicking that dude into oblivion.  Like, it excites him to concerning levels.  But today, it was one of the cohosts who brought it up.  And if you're adept at reading between the lines, you can see exactly what's going on.

Sean was on these dopes' podcast previously years back, we learned early on.  We also know that he can't help but to steal ideas and intellectual property from all of his peers and competitors.  It's exposed often, to the point that Garry White sued his thieving ass into submission. It's just who he is.  💰 💨  ✔️

So when cohost began to speak on it, with similar levels of concerning exuberance, Sean interjected quickly "I was literally, like, thinking you were going to say that!"  Cohost eludes that's because he's heard him tell this story before.  He then looks to fellow host and says "You've heard me say this 100 times!"  And he proceeded to break down the entire cinematic sequence the same way that Stinky always has. 

My God man.  Sean Whalen you even stole this dude's stupid '300' story.  You sad, sad larcenous loser.  OK what's up next?

OH SHIT YES!!  IT'S THE BUTTERS STORY!!  MY FAVORITE ONE!!!  Thankfully, he didn't change a goddam thing up for this one, he never does.  Always goes the same way.

"fiRsT i aLL LiKe mE nO LiKeY sNaKeS.  bUt ThEn mE ALL LiKe HEY!  sNaKeS nOt sO bAd AfTeR aLL!"  LOLOLOL!!!!  YESSSSSSS!!!!  I fuckin' love the Butters story arc.  It has it all.  🐍 🕺🏻🕺🏻🕺🏻

OK just a few residual gems and we can get to our Checklist.

"I'm not trying to be Andy Frisella."  (LOL) ❌

"Men want crazy sex!!" (Poor, poor Paige.  Yeesh) 🤮 

He said that he regrets some of the things that he said on podcasts that he did with Saxony.  Oh you mean like that one time that you verbally slammed her all across the set for an hour every couple of weeks?  Which was every time??  🤜🏻 ❄️ 🦉 

"My dad was not a good man.  Period.  Was he a bad man?  No."  (Okaaayyyy) 🤔 

Sean mentioned to one of the hosts that he liked his mustache.  Host ran with that compliment for entirely too long.  You can see the tears welling up in his eyes as he expanded on how he was always big beard guy and how only recently he made the brave move to change his pic on all of his socials to mustache version of himself. Because it made him feel empowered.  

Ladies and gentlemen, your alpha males!  Give it up!!  🤣😂

This Reddit page was the recipient of several mentions.  Great job, guys.  We made it inside his bulbous little head!  He shared with his leaky fanboys that there exists a snark page that makes fun of him for what they interpret as cosplay.  They make fun of his nipples.  They make fun of his nose.  Interestingly enough, zero mention of the jabs about slapping around his women folk or his weenie.  Which is a pretty large component of the snark to just leave out. But I get it.  That wouldn't be much fun to talk about.  Perhaps too much TRUTH in those parts.

Ol'Beef Jerky just compared himself to Rocky Balboa and we are out!!  🤠🤡

Time for the HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH THIS BULLSHIT CHECKLIST!!  (All escaping from Whalen's reek-hole, not the two lame-o's)

RABBIT HOLE - 1 🐰 🕳️ 

LITERALLY - 11

WHATEVER WHATEVER - 2

BURN IT ALL TO THE GROUND - 3 🔥 

LAMBO - 3

99.9% - 1

SIX PACK - 7

STEROIDS - 2 💉 💉 

ALL IN - 1

TRIGGERED - 4

TRUTH - 30(!) ❌❌❌

DOPE - 4

SPACE - 2 🪐 

YO - 3

RAD, DUDE - 1 🤙🏼

ALCHEMIZE - 1

SAVAGES - 2

AIRY FAIRY - 2 🧚 🧚 

I WENT VIRAL - 5 🥱 

CIGARS - 4

PERIOD END OF STORY - A resounding ZERO!!  
yet....
PERIOD - 7
and...
PERIOD HARD STOP - 3

(I'm taking credit for that one) 🙌 🎉 

Of course, compared to king of the dirtbags, everyone is pulling for Sax in the divorce.  How could you not.  

But there was a time when she was ALL IN on the grift and had no problem stealing paychecks from simpletons with zero life direction.  She enjoyed playing the role of the eye candy as Sean paraded her before his legions of losers.  Blatantly using her as dangling, obtainable property if you'd all just listen to his bullshit sales pitches.  Saxony was never a 💯 % victim. 

But I'm pulling for her.  Because how could you not?  ❄️ 🦉 

Admittedly, I've become a bit bored with Sean.  His act is stale and redundant, and I've found myself straying.  A few years back I was introduced to Keith Yackey when Sean appeared on he and Garrett's podcast.  It was one of my favorite watches.  Saxony was there but only allowed to communicate from the kiddy table in the way back.  Pretty brutal watch.  🫣 

Garrett called Saxony a "MASSIVE upgrade" from Sean's past punching bags...er...spouses.  Sean agreed.  "SHE'S SMOKIN' FUCKIN' HOT!"  Garrett and Yackey concur wholeheartedly, with Yackster even going as far as to say that he had "so much respect for dudes with hot wives." 😮 😮 🤯 

You see, even right there, she was nothing more than a symbol of status for a man.  A piece of meat and had she not been so easy on the eyes, best believe she would've been ignored even more than she was.  Jeezus.  

So I've been binging on Yackey for some time and this douche delivers.  He's a bottom feeder in this arena of slime.  His numbers are pathetic and I find myself feeling a bit sorry for him as he posts feverishly away, accumulating views and likes in the dozens.  But also, I can't look away.

Why, just currently he is in the midst of a daily video lesson titled 'How to become so attractive you're beating pussy off with a Louisville Slugger....Day (insert number here.)"  This mega dork is a dead ringer for Conky, the busted puppet who looks like Bubbles on 'Trailer Park Boys' and he carries a baseball bat over his shoulder while offering such superb advice as:

"Watch your mouth"
"Don't do anything to get anybody to like you"
"Never answer your spouse directly"
"Never ask somebody where they're from"
"Never answer anyone, specifically women, directly"

😂 🤣

You guys, he's up to DAY FIFTY-ONE with this shit!!  How tired his arms must be swatting all the slippy-slidy hunnies off his loins OMG!  

Yucky Yackey is the grossest.  Whenever I cue up a new podcast, I try to anticipate how long it will be until he can't take it any longer and simply has to make mention of "blowjobs."  My guess is always late by quite a bit.  The Yackster can't help himself.  Guaranteed "blowjob" mention every.single.time.  These fucking guys I swear...  🙄🙄🙄

OK but what does this have to do with Saxony, right?  🤷

This week, Yuckey posted a clip where he is taking a jab at fake male influencers.  And to be honest, when I hear his words, it encompasses the entire industry of these lying thieves.  Including Keith!  There is zero difference between him and the Seans and Garretts and the rest of them.  But what do I know.

Well enter Snow Owl.  She certainly interpreted this message as a dig at Sean.  She liked the video and threw him a clap in the comments.  Yackey replied with three claps of his own back at her.  Aren't these two adorable??  🫢 

Well, I guess all of that respect that he had for Sean back when he had a hot wife is out the door.  Because let's be honest, Paige and her scraggly presentation cement her as the queen of the basics, am I right?  Yackster does not approve of that shit LOL. 

But Saxony, honey, you're going backwards by hitching your wagon to yet another douche who is NO DIFFERENT THAN SEAN!!  You are nothing to him besides a view and a hopeful BJ.  

I'd like to think that one day you'll learn, but let's be honest.  You are all about this Bullshit for Sale lifestyle.  Oh well, I'll never grow tired of the entertainment!