Grief and freedom at 40
Have had a hell of a month. Moved house without planning to. Closed my business. Walked away from my sports community after 13 years which I spent nearly every day involved in without recognition. And put an end to a social network I had initially formed.
Now it's just me and my dog.
I had thought about suicide but decided to burn what I had to the ground first instead. Every morning I have felt nauseous but then the day gets lighter and I feel freer. All this freed up time is still very hard to calibrate to but I am leaning into it because I understand my nervous system is learning to settle.
I've signed up to different short-term classes and activities and groups outside of my normal interests with the knowledge that I have nothing to lose and have noticed something I didn't anticipate. I'm feeling excited for the first time in a long time and have zero fear.
So I guess I did die in a way.
A big and quite shocking realisation with my initial downward spiralling was how many people in my life, who I thought were friends, did not care less about me at all. Initially it cut like a knife but then I realised how glad I was to make the decision to walk away. It honestly still amazes me how oblivious I was this whole time but it has taught me a lot.
I could choose to harden my heart and be broken by them but I've realised I now have an immense amount of space in my heart and mind free to give to things and people I wouldn't have had time for in the past.
Who knows what the future holds.
Maybe I'll fail miserably.
Maybe I'll have the most amazing years of my life.
All I know is that I now know who truly cares for me, and that I am alot stronger and courageous than I thought I was.
And for the first time in a long time, I feel alive and free.