Feeling Defeated - mom to bpd
Although not officially diagnosed I am certain my oldest (19) has had bpd.
She is the sweetest but yet evilest person I know. It really started to become apparent in early adolescence. She has no other family but me, she has ruined all other relationships or made others out to be villains and disassociated herself.
I have no real control over her, or should I say gave up years ago. I tried so hard for so long. She did therapy up until she began refusing to go around 15. I tried to enforce rules, discipline I really did but the episodes that followed any attempt to parent on my part just increased in intensity.
Tired I quit, I decided to back off and let go tired of being hurt. I slowly gave in to letting her basically do as she pleases and spoiling her just to keep the peace and my sanity. But these episodes they still happen but now its worse. I am scared of her. I walk on eggshells every day. I no longer feel emotionally connected like a mother should to her child. One day im the best mother ever, the next im the scum of the earth. She's lied on me to people, she exaggerates, manipulates. For example she fabricated a story about being sexually assaulted and told her therapist that I told her to toughen up it's a part of life and refused to help her. That is the kind of vile stuff I've had to endure.
It's so screwed up bc no matter what, I love her deeply and want to protect her. I want to protect her from not just the world but herself. However it is ruining me.
This last episode she was arguing with her girlfriend basically all day. I stayed out of it, but later I hear things breaking. She is throwing stuff in a rage. At this point I have to intervene. I say I will not tolerate this in my house, this instantly made me the new target. Hateful things spewed while she is getting violet towards me but was restrained only hitting me once. I decided that's it and I've told her she must move out. I"m done I can't keep living like this. My younger daughter doesn't even want to be here because of her.
She has the money and means to get her own place. She has a good job I helped her get. Plenty of money saved, along with the car I gave her.
I know she'll be apologizing soon and laying it on thick. Telling me I didn't deserve for her to do that but she was in a bad place and took it out on me, how im all she's got blah, blah, blah.
I've cried most all day. Part of me wishes she wasn't restrained, let her have at me. Let her see the damage she's done on my face the next day.
I work hard, I love hard, I'm a good person and I know I'm a good mom but somehow the child I love more than anything has slowly destroyed me. I'm depressed, I lack confidence, I am starting to hate myself.
This has to end. I pray she moves out soon and I don't cave. I want to help her, but to do that I think I have to stop helping her if that makes sense. I feel like I need to stop being the dutiful always there for her mom. But then I get so scared of how she will deal with losing my support. I fear she may hurt herself. I feel so lost.