AITAH on behalf of my son that is still a child for me, who wants him to get financial independence?
I married my wife over 30 years ago, and we adopted our son when he was young. I've always tried to be a supportive father. I was involved in his Boy Scouts troop, helped him work toward becoming an Eagle Scout, supported his swimming, and encouraged him to continue his education.
Things didn't go the way I hoped. After finishing high school, he decided not to attend college and instead worked various jobs. Eventually, he moved in with us.
He did move out for a while, met his future wife, got married, and had two children. In 2009, they moved back in with us, saying it would only be temporary.
It never really ended.
For more than a decade, my wife and I have provided them with housing, food, utilities, and other expenses. Whenever I've suggested that they should start planning to live independently, my wife has defended them. She is extremely close to our grandchildren, so I understand why she wants them nearby, but I don't think that means we should support another household forever.
Now that my wife and I are retired, we're finally free to decide where we want to live. My son wants all of us to move to Buffalo because he likes the idea of living there. My wife actually dislikes cold weather, but she is still willing to consider it because of our son and grandchildren.
The latest disagreement is about housing.
My wife thinks we should buy a house for our son and his family. I'm not comfortable simply handing them a house, especially after years of financially supporting them.
I suggested a compromise: we could purchase a house for them, but they would rent it through a professional property manager under a formal rent-to-own agreement. They would make regular payments, and ownership could eventually transfer to them according to the agreement.
My son doesn't like this idea, and neither does my wife. They think that because we can afford to help, we should just give them the house.
I'm starting to feel like I'm expected to provide for my son indefinitely. I love him and my grandchildren, but I also want to enjoy retirement and make decisions about my own finances.
I'm considering buying a home for myself and my wife wherever we actually want to live, while letting my son and his family arrange their own housing or enter a formal rent-to-own agreement if we decide to help.
Some family members think I'm being selfish and putting money ahead of family. I think I'm simply asking my adult son to take some responsibility for his own household.
AITAH for wanting my 40+ year old son to become financially independent instead of continuing to support his family?