Recreational use of Ritalin
Ok I've been diagnosed with adhd, but only tried concerta and Ritalin itself. I started with ritalin 10mg twice a day a few years ago but I got too anxious and impulsive, had kind of a borderline personality, so I stopped it. Few months later, tried concerta 18mg but it didn't do much except for giving me severe insomnia. Recently I really wanted to do good on studies, since I've always REALLY struggled to study in general, so I started to "peel" some of the concerta I had left, it was almost expired. It worked like magic and I was just exceeding my expectations, studywise. When it ended, I bought an off label generic methylphenidate, 10mg. Took like 2 at a time, around 4 or 6 a day. When I went to my psychiatrist again, told him the evolution on my studies and socials in general and he prescribed me 2 boxes of 60 pills from the original ritalin, telling me to try only two pills a day again but tbh i didn't even try, went straight to the dose I was used, which was 2 at a time, but it went sideways and I got addicted to the feeling. The power to finally do what I wanted, less social anxiety, being able to focus and just adjusting my life in general. I upped the dose "slowly". One day I took like 7, the the other I took 8, then 10 and so it went on. It's been like 3 or 4 weeks since I've been abusing it and it turned into a recreational drug. Bit less than a week ago I started snorting it. I've always been curious about cocaine, but absolutely never used it because I am so sure I would love it and it would destroy my life. So I, in my stupidity, thought: "if i snort ritalin I can "kill" the curiosity of snorting drugs in general" and it was one of the best/worst decisions. It hits faster, not sure if stronger. I am a smoker, like half a pack a day, sometimes more, sometimes less, I also was heavily addicted to weed but nowadays I smoke like once or none a day. I really enjoy alcohol, couldn't deny an opportunity to drink, but I do it on a basis of 4 times a week. I kinda suspect that I don't have adhd at all because 20mg of ritalin at a time makes me feel very euphoric, like I own the world, and people with adhd usually report a calm, clear feeling. It does give me peace of mind, as I said, less anxiety in general, but the comedown is excruciating. I feel like Algernon, the rat, loosing it's intelect, like the control of my life is slowly(sometimes rapidly) escaping my hands, so it gives me urge to take more to feel that control again and the cycle repeats itself faster everytime. I plan on exchanging it for a long acting med, live Vyvanse or something similar so I don't feel that urge to renew the effect, but my next consult with the psychiatrist is like a month away.
So, knowing I tend to abuse substances, I am afraid. Today I took 12 for the first time on a span of 12 hours. Ingested a couple, snorted a couple. Should I be REALLY worried about having a heart attack or just "normally" worried about the substance abuse itself? I wanna stop and have thought about going into rehab, but I am afraid of loosing this semester at college, so I plan on keep taking it until the end of it, even though my performance at studying has worsened due to the anxiety and abuse of methylphenidate itself, but I am afraid of just stopping and the abstinence+difficulty to do basic things and studying hitting like a truck and I don't know what I would be capable of if I don't have anything to "hold on" to. I know I should stop, I have a good life and feel like I'm throwing it away by abusing substances. So my final question is: has anyone here taken the same or similar doses and/or used similar methods? It's been like an hour since I snorted the last one and I feel fine. Fast heartrate, just like during the day, kinda anxious to use again but am trying to hold the urge. If anyone has gone/is going through a similar situation, please help.