u/OnlyKey5675

Sold home and moved to a smaller house and paid cash. I have 100k to invest.

I am 55 years old. Ten years from retirement

I currently hold positions in:

VOO 50%

QQQM 20%

SCHD 15%

VT 15%

Sold home and moved to a smaller house and paid cash. I have 100k to invest.

I am 55 years old. Ten years from retirement (or maybe earlier).

I currently hold positions in:

VOO 50%

QQQM 20%

SCHD 15%

VT 15%

Wife of ten years left me four years ago. I was blindsided and heartbroken. The separation lasted a year and I guess I had my hopes that we would reconcile but she met someone else during that time, so I had to move on. It wasn't easy. The first year post-divorce was tough, but it got better. This last six months I have felt completely over the relationship. I was able to see photos of us without getting triggered. I'm able to look back at the good memories.

But now lately I have been thinking about my first love a lot from high school/college. I've only ever had two significant romantic relationships in my life. My first girlfriend when i was 18-20 and the ten year relationship with my wife. There were casual relationships in-between but no one I really think about.

Amy was my first love. We met the summer in 11th grade at a youth dance. We went to separate high schools about 30 minutes away. Amy lived at I think could best be described as an orphanage. It was a residential housing facility for kids whose parents could no longer care for them. She was abandoned by her father and her mother had been experiencing mental health problems.

After meeting each other at the youth dance Amy and I wrote to each other all year. Then we started dating by 12th grade. Our relationship straddled high school and our first year and a half of college. We both went to our local community colleges. Amy and I were first loves and we took each other's virginity. We were each other's best friends as well.

I broke up with Amy in sophomore year. Looking back I really don't know why i did. I think it was because all of my friends had girlfriends they saw every day and I really only saw Amy on the weekend. Some days it took 50 minutes to get to where she lived.

Amy took it very hard. I remember I did too. We saw each other a few more times and that was it. There was never a goodbye. It seemed to just fade away.

Then it was over two years later when out of the blue I got a call from Amy. She said it took her so long to get over me. That she would always care for me. She was very honest and open.

What Amy didn't know is that I had been going through a very hard time with my mental health. The transition to early adulthood was a tough one for me. I was experiencing intense anxiety and panic attacks and about two months prior to her calling me I had been hospitalized for taking a deliberate overdose of pills. Looking back this was a cry for help and not a serious attempt but I had no insurance and no outpatient treatment. I was pretty much on my own. This was when mental health was still stigmatized. I remember the Dr trying to tell my mom that my OD was deliberate, but she wouldn't believe it.

So, when Amy called I was scared she would find out that I was struggling. I wasn't the same happy go lucky kid. So I went into avoidance mode. I pushed her away and then I said I would call her back. I could tell she was frustrated. It must have taken a lot out of her to make the call and I came off numb to her. I promised to call her within a day but i never did. This was before cell phones were common and getting a hold of people wasn't as easy.

That was the last time I heard from Amy. The truth was I missed Amy immensely and i wanted to start talking to her again. I told myself i would get myself right and then reach out to her.

I moved out of my parents house not long after. I told my parents not to give my phone number to anyone.

I cut off all my friends. I cut off my best childhood friend. I cut off everyone i was friends with.

I struggled with my mental health for all of my 20's. I think Amy tried to get a hold of me a couple more times, leaving messages with my parents.

But I became a recluse in my 20's. My friends were all gone. My girlfriend gone. Everyone. I didn't go to Christmas dinner at my parents.

I felt like I had abandoned Amy like so many others had done to her and I couldn't forgive myself. I just blocked her out of my mind. I drank myself into forgetting everything. Alcohol was the only thing that helped.

I quit medicating with booze in my early 30's. I got real help with my mental health. I was putting my life back together. The fact that it had been 10 years since I had talked to Amy or any of my friends wasn't lost on me. It troubled me a lot but I had to put it in the past.

When I met my now ex-wife I told her all about Amy, my friends, and how I had basically ghosted everyone. My wife encouraged me to reach out to them, including Amy. it took me another good five years but I reached out to my old guy friends, and it went well. It wasn't an emotional reunion. They were glad I was doing well and I was glad to see how well they were doing.

I didn't reach out to Amy. I found her facebook profile and saw a photo of her. She looked just like I remembered her. I knew it could get emotional but also, I didn't think it would be fair to my wife or to Amy. Amy didn't appear to be married or have children but there was no way to know if she was in a relationship. It just didn't seem right to contact her. At least with my friends they had some idea why I cut contact. With Amy she had no idea. It no doubt left her feeling hurt, confused and abandoned all over again.

So I put it out of my mind. I was happily married. I had a full life as a stepdad. I was busy all the time. My mind never drifted to Amy. I never blamed myself for the initial breakup with Amy. But I always blamed myself for cutting her off and not calling her back like I promised. And it always pained me how she never knew the whole story. I'm sure to her I just became this complicated figure. Her first love, but also someone who broke her heart and then when she tried to reach out again broke it all over again. I have no doubt not being able to get a hold of me pained her. And I also have no doubt that she got over this pain a long time ago.

I hadn't thought of Amy for ages. Since my divorce I had really just been putting the work into myself and trying to heal from that relationship. And as I've felt like the healing process from that relationship has sort or come to an end all of a sudden, the thought of Amy came back.

It came back in a dream first. A vivid dream where Amy and I are just talking and hugging each other. When I woke up, I was startled a bit. I don't know why but I searched her name again and found her facebook profile. Same Amy but just older like I am. I wonder if she ever searched mine? She would have saw my wife and I and stepdaughter. But now it's just me. Me and my dog.

Is this normal to think of your first love after a more recent relationship ends? The thought of Amy first came to me in a dream. Maybe it's my brain putting my ex-wife aside and going through the emotional rolodex and the only other person to find is Amy.

Would contacting Amy to apologize be okay or is it better to leave it all in the past? I'd be curious to hear from people who have been on the other end of a breakup when they were young, especially if it was a first love, and whether or not hearing from that person again was something they were receptive to.

At this point I have no plans to contact Amy. It's been over 25 years and if she had felt abandoned by me, I don't know if hearing from me ever again is something she wants.

Therapy helped getting over my divorce so I could always return to therapy to understand why I'm reminiscing so much about someone I hadn't thought of in many years.

Thanks for reading.

I got divorced from my wife three years ago. We were together for almost ten years. The first year post-divorce was very tough. Especially since during this separation phase my wife moved in with another man. For the first two years even seeing a photo of her was distressing.

My wife married again not long after our divorce was finalized. This stung a little but I had already started to move on from her. This last year I've felt i was really over her. I came to realize that while I spent a lot of great years with her and have great memories that ultimately we weren't the greatest fit. I could now say that I am completely happy that I am no longer in that relationship.

I'm 50 years old and I've only had two significant loves in my life. My ex wife and my first girlfriend. I had only a couple relationships in-between and they weren't very significant.

My first girlfriend Amy was my first love. We were each others first everything and took each others virginity. Our relationship straddled high school and our first year of college. We went to separate high schools and colleges and lived about 30 minutes away. I broke up with her the summer after freshman year, I think the distance was a big reason. I saw how my friends all had girlfriends that they saw daily and I usually only saw her on the weekend. She took the break up very hard.

After we broke up we saw each other a couple more times but that was it. Then it was over two years later when out of the blue she called me. She said that it took her so long to get over me and that part of her will always care for me. She was really honest and didn't hold back. But I was the opposite. I recollect that i came off as kind of cold to her. What she didn't know is that a few months prior I had been hospitalized after taking a deliberate overdose of pills. I had developed extreme anxiety and panic attacks and this was the 90's where there was a stigma with mental health and a really lack of mental health services. Looking back taking the pills was a cry for help.

So when Amy called me I went into avoidance mode. I didn't want her to find out. We talked for less than ten minutes and I remember saying that I would need to call her back later at another time. She made me promise that I would call her back and I promised that I would. But I never called her back.

I moved out of my parents house not long after and told my parents not to give anyone my number. Not only did I not talk to Amy every again but I also cut off my best friend and several other friends. I guess it would be called ghosting today. Amy called my parents house a couple more times to my recollection.

The truth is missed Amy immensely and i was still in love with her. I just didn't want her to know about my mental health struggles. I wanted to get myself right and then look go see her. Over time I was able to get my anxiety under control and I understood the panic attacks and what they really were. I think in some way I yearned for Amy all my 20's. By the time I felt like myself again a good five years had passed. That's the weird thing, five years isn't really that long of a time. It's certainly within the normal time to each out to an ex. But to me in my 20's, five years might has well been 50 years. It felt like too long to contact her.

I got over my relationship with Amy but I never ever got over the fact that I broke my promise to her. It always bothered me that Amy thought I just didn't care enough when the truth was I always did. I would think about her from time to time and i would think about trying to find her but I kept getting caught in that time trap where 10 years felt like too long and 15 etc. I just went on with life.

Then in my late 30's I found Amy on Facebook. I told myself I should reach out to her. There was nothing on her profile that indicated she was married or in a relationship. But I didn't message her. Seeing her photo brought back some emotions and I told myself I needed to wait because if i was going to message her it had to be a serious apology and not emotional trauma dumping. I knew that any message from me could possibly be confusing to Amy because I was the one that left her and never got back in touch like i promised.

Not long after I found Amy's profile I started dating my now ex-wife. That's when I decided it wouldn't be far to my new gf or Amy for me to reach out. So i didn't and to be honest Amy faded really quickly from my mind because I fell in love with my new gf.

I didn't think about Amy much at all during my decade long relationship with my wife. I told my wife about Amy during one of those conversations where partners talk about their love history. I told her everything. How we were first loves and how she reached out two years later and then I promised to call but essentially ghosted her. My wife encouraged me to reach out to her to apologize. But i never did. I said too much time had passed. And i still didn't think it was right to do while I was married and while Amy had obviously long gotten over it. I really felt it was my problem to deal with and up to me to stop blaming my younger self. And that's sort of what i did. I didn't think about Amy.

Then out of nowhere three nights ago, after having not thought about Amy in many years, I had a dream about her. In the dream we are our current ages (both 50) and just talking and its very friendly and i feel ecstatic seeing her. Since then I really haven't been able to stop thinking about her. But its regret that mostly has come back to me. The pain I caused. The need to make amends. But then I think that we were each others first loves, first everything and that its normal to have these thoughts and give space to them. That the time to contact her and make amends has probably long past. I don't know 50 year old Amy. I knew 20 year old Amy.

Why are my thoughts about her now so intense? Is it because I've turned 50 and I'm taking a roll call of my regrets? I'm looking back on my mistake and my brain is trying to make sense of them.

Anyways. I have no plans to contact Amy. Part of me wants to because I would love to just talk to her again. But another part realizes that to Amy I have likely been this complicated figure; her first love but also the first one to cause her heartbreak and someone who broke a promise to her. I know for certain that she got over this a very long time ago. The only thing that makes this possibly different is that first loves do have a connection that is unlike other relationships. Maybe there is a part of her that still wonders what the hell happened and why I disappeared.

I'm 50M and this seemed to come out of the blue lately. Maybe I'm having a midlife crisis and just looking back on the mistakes I made in life.

I got divorced a three years ago and the first year was hard but I have been over that relationship for a good year now. I was married for ten years and during that time I never really thought about my first love.

I've always had lot of regret over how I ended things with my first love.

Some background: Amy and I met while we were still in high school. We went to different high schools about 30 minutes away and would see each other on weekends for the most part. The relationship lasted about a year and a half and bridged our high school and college freshman year. We were each others first love and took each others virginity. I broke up with her for reasons I don't fully remember or understand. I had a circle of friends at the time and my male friends all had gf's they saw almost daily. I think I wanted that as well. When I broke up with Amy she took it really hard. We saw each other a few more times after the break up but then not at all.

About 3 years later I got a call from Amy. The first thing she said to me was that it took her so long to get over me. She asked if I missed her and if I had a girlfriend. Her call came at a really bad time for me. A few months prior I was hospitalized for mental health reasons. I purposely took an OD of pills. Looking back it was a cry for help. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Very few people knew because my parents kept it a secret (mental health was still stigmatized in the 90's)

So when Amy called I went into avoidance mode. My recollection is that the conversation lasted less than ten minutes. I didn't want her to find out what I was going through. I remember telling her i would call her later (i don't remember if by later I meant that night or the next week). She asked me to promise and i promised to call her. But I never called her. It wasn't long after that I moved out of my parents house. I remember telling my parents not to give anyone my new number. My memory is a little fuzzy on this but Amy called a couple more times. I remember my mom saying I should call her. But I never did.

I have always felt a lot of regret that I didn't call her back. We were so close and I owed her so much more than that. I know it must have taken a lot for her to reach out to me and I know me not calling her back made her hurt all over again. I never blamed myself for the initial breaking up with Amy. I think one of us would have done it regardless. All we knew was each other and we had yet to experience other people. But I always blamed myself for breaking the promise and not calling her back. It had been 3 years and we were a little older. I think she had experienced other people and she reason she reached out to me is because she wanted me. I wanted her as well. I missed her. But I know in our conversation I gave off the impression that I didn't. The thought of her seeing that I had some struggles with anxiety scared me.,

As time went by I thought of Amy from time to time but it was hard to think about her without feeling regret. I had other relationships during this time, some casual, some semi-serious. After those relationships ended and after I took inventory of them my mind seemed to to go Amy. Was she just this idealized version of a relationship? I couldn't let my mind linger too long on Amy because the regret of breaking the promise to call her would come back. But Amy was the only one I felt I truly had ever been in love with. The tragic thing is, to Amy I didn't care at all. I couldn't get off the phone fast enough. I cared so little I broke the promise I made. But she never knew the real story. That I missed her and wanted to see her again.

The truth is, by the time I felt I was able to contact Amy it was too late. I no longer had her phone number. This was the 90's before cell phones. Where people just got lost to people. I had to let it go. I look back and my 20's and they should have been the time of my life spending it with Amy.

In my 30's I decided to look her up on Facebook and found her. Part of me wanted to reach out and apologize, but I didn't. I couldn't tell if she was married or in a relationship and didn't want to disrupt her in an way. It had been 15 years by that point.

Then I met my future wife and I knew that reaching out to Amy wouldn't be fair to her or my wife. Enough time had passed that I no longer had feelings for Amy. Those feelings largely faded in my 20's. During my ten year marriage with my wife I didn't really think about Amy much, It was so long ago that looking back on it felt like looking back on another persons life.

I hadn't thought about Amy in ages then the other night I had a vivid dream and Amy was in it. It felt so real. In the dream I was apologizing and she was saying it was okay, that we were so young and that she forgave me a while go.

Amy is 50 now like I am. All I know about her is that she never married or had children.

I know she got over me at some point in her early 20's. She probably thought I was an asshole for cutting her off the way I did and I am forever this complicated figure. Her first love, first bf. first everything and the asshole that broke her heart and broke his promise to call her. I'm sure it confused the hell out of her. That she got over the heartbreak but the confusion of how I said I would call her back and never did and that we never spoke again.

I'm sure because of that phone call, Amy just did her best to erase me from her mind. Sometimes I just wish at the time that I had communicated to her better that I was going through some struggles and that I need time before I saw her again. Maybe we would have reconnected and enjoyed our 20's together. But who knows, if that happened then it's possible that Amy would have been the one to break my heart. But I don't know what's worse really. At some level I've been haunted by this relationship most of my adult life.

I had a burger at Colorado Grill and it was very good. Probably the best burger I've had since I moved to Fresno.

The burritos I've had have been pretty meh. People kept recommending El Premio Mayor but the two burritos I had there were below avg. Pepe's Taquiera is okay. Great value but just decent quality.

Robertittos gets really bad ratings but I actually preferred it to Premio.

Anyone have any fav fast food spots? Any type of food. Burgers, burritos, tacos ,chili dogs, hoagies

Basically what the title says. No recs for custom maps like Outlands please. I prefer to play on the second age era map.

Sold home and moved to a smaller house and paid cash. I have 100k to invest.

I am 55 years old. Ten years from retirement (or maybe earlier).

I currently hold positions in:

VOO 65%

QQQM 20%

SCHD 15%

Increase SCHD position? Add another fund?

Diagnosed hypopituitarism about 16 years ago by Dr. Friedman in LA. Diagnosed hypogonadism and growth hormone deficiency after taking gh stim test. I was 35 at the time of diagnosis.

For the last the last ten years or so I've had Kaiser insurance through work. There has never been a problem getting my medications.

I moved recently from Southern to Northern California. I still have Kaiser. The endocrinologist I have here is giving me push back on the diagnosis and now she wants me to retake a growth hormone stimulation test.

When Kaiser called to schedule the test I told them I won't be doing the test. This medication has helped a lot and I've just never heard of someone diagnosed as an adult having to retake the stim test. I've been on the med so long I can't imagine the stim test would be accurate.

Is this normal?

They have missed my trash ten times so far this year.

For the first eight times I went on fresgo and entered a service request. The trash was picked up two days later. The last two times I entered a service request and they closed the case the next day without picking up the trash.

How is the trash service so awful in this city?

Anyone have an email or a phone number where i can talk someone?

I'm sure this is happening to others. What did you do?

Anyone know a market in Fresno that sells Vienna Beef hot dogs? The natural casing ones

If not, anyone know any good natural casing hot dogs? I tried Casper's but they were just okay

I am making this drive soon and I don't do well with cliff driving or windy roads.

How is the drive to Oakhurst?

I don't mind if its a little windy as I want to ease myself into more adventurous driving.

I'm In California

I have a TV I want to mount on the wall. I have the mount. I know Best Buy does wall mounting for TV's you purchase through them. What about for TV's you already own?

FOXONE app on Roku is shutting down frequently during the match. It's happening about six times each match.

I noticed people complaining about this on twitter. Is this happening with anyone here?

I've done all the troubleshooting on my end: reinstall app, clear cache, system reboot. And its still doing it.

If this is happening to you have tried to get a refund from FOXONE? Its becoming unwatchable and I've had to switch to the spanish language on Peacock.

UPDATE: I requested a refund online and my refund was approved. You login to the website then scroll all the way down to viewer feedback, click FOXsports, then it asks you to login again and then a chatbot comes up and there's an option for technical issues.

I noticed there's a lot of independent butchers in Fresno. Anyone have any favorite sausages and hot dogs?

So far I've tried the polish sausage from the Meat Up (very good)

And I've tried the Chicken jalapeno sausage from Renna Meat market. This was pretty good as well.

I'm looking for a really good hot dog (with natural casing) Anyone have any favorites? Can be grocery store or local butcher. But most grocery chains don't carry natural casing hot dogs anymore.,

Also, some recs for any other great sausages from local butchers.

Trying to get from Walmart (Herndon and Ingram) to Old Town Clovis on Saturday morning.

Planning on taking the FAX 3 bus from to Willow and Herndon. Anyone familiar with the Clovis bus system and if there is connection that will take me to (or near) Old Town.

I've been to the Clovis bus website but I want to be 100% sure.

Looking for somewhere to go Cinco de Mayo. Anyone have any recs?

Only restaurants with a bar please.