No Longer Trans? Help Needed!
I 18 FTM have identified as trans since I was 12. I came out to family and friends at 13, and have been living mainly as a guy since. Of course my family all rejected it, I’ve essentially lived what my parents call a “double life“ where I am a male outside of home, and female at home. Theres been various times I’ve had to fight with everything I have just to try to get them to accept me. For background info, all my childhood was stereotypically female interests and behaviours, and it wasn’t until Covid that I thought differently. I didn’t even tell my grandparents until recently, and other family and family friends have no idea. My parents however have finally started to not oppose it, they just say they would accept me but need me to think about it more and have more life experience, which I understand. Anyways, now I’m reconsidering the whole thing. Not the first time, but definitely the most I’ve ever thought my decision wasn’t completely right. I’m not a girl, I don’t think even though I mostly am personality wise, but I’m also not a guy anymore, even though that’s more what I see myself as especially in the future. For example I see myself as a dad in the future, but also more maternal? I’m not sure anymore, and I almost feel that by admitting that to anyone would be like defeat. I’m also not sure if it’s their words getting to me, or if maybe they were just right. I have a gender therapist I’ve gone to for a few years that my parents hate, but I’m not sure if she’s helping anymore. I also don’t have any LGBTQ+ friends or anyone to talk to. Ive never really associated with any of that stuff either, as I am more stealth and just saw myself as a guy, not trans other than when I explained to people. TV shows and books are the only thing I can relate to at this point. I don’t know what to do with my life. Where do I go from here? I know people say to experiment and there’s no need for labels, but I’m genuinely so lost I need at least an anchor to hold on to. Something to present to people who I meet, and have known before, because at this point I don’t even know what I see when I look in the mirror. Any advice or comments are appreciated.