r/gender

I have been on a journey to figure out my gender identity and I am kinda stuck on this question. Since I have been a kid I have never fit the stereotypes assigned to women. I have always had guy friends, I always shop at the meb section, I played sports and I never really had a girl friendgroup growing up. The last years I do hang out more with women than I do with men.

All of this has made me questions myself since I was about 11 yo, now I am 22. I have thought about top surgery all this time, but recently I have actually been thinking that I don’t want it and a binder should be enough (planning on buying one soon). I have always imagined myself how I would look like if I had more male characteristics, when I was a little kid and I would get like the kids makeup set I would always draw a beard on my face. At the same time I don’t necessarily dislike the biological characteristics that I have.

I do have short hair now and I dress pretty masculine and a lot of people call me sir and I don’t mind it at all, but when people see me as a woman sometimes it really does bother me. I really do enjoy being “one of the girls” now, but only if they know about my struggle with identifying my gender. I also really do enjoy it when someone starts the conversation and asks me about my pronouns, it makes me feel like they really do see me on a deeper level than just “being a woman”. You could say I enjoy being perceived as a person regardless of gender.

I know a label isn’t necessary to be who you are but I have been struggling for so long that I just really want to know how I can even describe this thing that I have been feeling my entire life.

I don’t know if anyone feels the same, I am pretty sure there are more people like me. I would love to hear your experience if my story resonates with you or if you have any advice that could help me further in my journey.

(I hope I could make myself clear, english isn’t my first language so please don’t mind if I have worded things in a bad way)

I’m a male but not trans. I want to wear bras like girls. Why? And how can I hide this from my girlfriend

Please take me seriously this is a genuine question. This is for anyone to answer. I’m asking about women because I’m female, but I’m equally as confused about men and other genders. I’m a woman (I guess) but when I was younger I was taught you’re born a woman or a man, but in recent years there’s been a lot more trans representation and stuff and to be honest I don’t really understand it.

For context, I was born female so I always identified as a woman. I never really cared until I got a trans friend and he kind of explained different genders to me which made me question myself. I don’t feel like a woman so I thought I was non binary or gender fluid? But then I realised that this literally doesn’t matter (to me) and I should just stay a woman for simplicity. Also, I’m autistic, which may affect my understanding.

I completely understand wanting to change your appearance because that can make anyone feel more comfortable, trans or not. But what I don’t understand is why change your gender or pronouns. I think that she sounds better but if I were a guy I don’t think I would go as far as to change them, I’d probably just be fem. I don’t know why it makes a difference what gender you are when anyone can present however they want, and doesn’t changing your gender affirm the idea that people who are one gender are a certain way?

I also don’t really understand how you know that you’re supposed to be a woman. Like is it spiritual? Is it a feeling? Is it a way of life? I don’t feel connected to any gender so I guess I would be considered non binary or gender apathetic, but I really don’t care for labels as I feel like it complicates things. How would you know what being a woman feels like and what does it feel like?

Last thing, I don’t understand why being transgender is accepted but other things are not. I’m not saying it shouldn’t be but if someone wanted to change their race or hair texture or skin color it’s looked down upon, so how is being transgender different? To me as a black woman I hate when people bleach their skin or get relaxers out of self hatred and I believe in self acceptance. Thank you for reading I hope this wasn’t offensive.

TLDR: What is a woman? Why be trans instead of just crossdressing? How does it affect you if I use the wrong pronouns?

NOTE: the thread I posted on suggested I repost this here, just wanted to be transparent about that.

As far as I understand it, NB means non binary, which is a gender classification, but M and F refer to male and female, which are physical classifications, and are not mutually exclusive with gender - someone can be male non binary or female non binary, so I don’t understand why people write things like “her partner (28 M) was talking to me (24 NB)…”

Since we don’t use M and W (man and woman) it seems an odd mismatch to throw in NB by itself as if that settles the issue as to whether the subject is male or female.

Yes I understand there are intersex people who don’t quite fit either male or female classifications, but then that should be (24 I) not NB.

To me, using NB in place of M or F comes across like stating your ethnicity as “Christian” or “Socialist” which aren’t ethnicity and don’t describe your background/origin, they describe your philosophy. From what I’ve been taught and learned organically from my real world interactions, NB describes the way you feel about yourself, not the physical characteristics of your reproductive organs or body shape/type.

I also realize it’s not super important to know at all times whether a poster is M or F or what their gender norms are, but I’ve been seeing (age NB) use a lot recently and am curious as to the reasoning behind it.

I’ve seen post about gender disappointment and never really understood it until now. I’ve always dreamed of having a little boy, but just found I am having a little girl. Now the confusing part of it all is I am so excited to have a little girl, but there’s this huge part of me who is extremely heart broken. The love I have for my child has not changed (if anything it’s grown stronger). I am so thrilled about having this little girl… but I don’t know how to be a girl mom. I myself am not a girlie girl. I grew up with all boys my entire life and never really found interest in all of the girlie activities growing up. Even now with my nieces, I don’t really enjoy any of that stuff. However, I don’t want that mindset because despite sounding not excited in this post — I am beyond excited. I just want to be a good mom especially a good girl mom, and just want to get out the gutter of gender disappointment. It’s making me feel I am ungrateful for this little one but I’m not. I’m just slightly disappointed.

Hola a todos, por mi experiencia con charlas casuales, he notado que la mayoría de los hombres (o eso creo) han pensado al menos alguna vez en cosas como "¿cómo sería mi vida si fuera mujer?" o han imaginado ese escenario por curiosidad, o incluso haciendose pasar por una normalmente en internet.

Porsupuesto, si nunca tuviste estos pensamientos puedes decirlo tambien, me quita la duda de si solo ha sido casualidad en la gente que he conocido o realmente es un pensamiento relativamente común

Como soy una chica trans, para mi ese tipo de pensamientos formaban parte de un proceso interno muy distinto y constante. Pero me da curiosidad saber cómo ve alguien cuya identidad es masculina.

Me gustaría leerlos sobre esto:

• ¿Que tan comun es realmente tener este tipo de pensamientos para ustedes?
• ¿Suelen ser momentos pasajeros de curiosidad o hay algo más detras?
• ¿Qué clase de escenarios o situaciones se imaginan cuando pasa por su mente?
• En caso de haber fingido ser una ¿porque motivo fue? ¿que te llevo a eso?

Los leo con ganas de entender mejor este tipo de pensamientos en mentes diferentes uwu

I want to ask this genuinely, and I’m not trying to be disrespectful or invalidate anybody’s identity. I’ve read quite a bit about gender, gender identity, gender expression, and the different ways people experience their sense of self. I understand that gender identity is deeply personal, and I understand that for some transgender people, their internal sense of gender can feel very different from the sex they were assigned at birth. I’ve also read about research suggesting that, in some cases, aspects of transgender people’s brains may show patterns that are more similar to those typically associated with the gender they identify with. I understand that this does not apply to every trans person, and I’m not trying to use that as an argument for or against being transgender.
Even with all of that, there is still one part of the concept that I personally struggle to understand.
Why can’t someone simply be an extremely feminine man or an extremely masculine woman?
For example, I’m a woman. If I suddenly became extremely masculine, started dressing traditionally masculine, had a masculine personality, liked traditionally masculine things, and even preferred looking masculine, I personally would still consider myself a woman. I would probably just describe myself as a masculine-presenting woman.
So when I see a man who is extremely feminine, loves makeup, skirts, feminine mannerisms, beauty, and other things traditionally associated with women, I understand why he might say, “I’m a feminine man.” What I struggle to understand is what makes someone cross that line internally and say, “Actually, I am a woman.”
And I’m not saying that line doesn’t exist. I understand that for transgender people, it absolutely can feel real and significant. I’m asking what that distinction actually is from their perspective.
Because to me, gender expression and gender identity seem like two different things. A man can be feminine. A woman can be masculine. A man can love men. A woman can love women. A man can want to look beautiful rather than handsome. A woman can want to look masculine rather than feminine. None of those things, by themselves, seem to change what someone is.
So I guess what I’m really asking is, what makes gender identity different from gender expression on an internal level?
I also understand the argument that gender itself is partly constructed through social expectations. We have created ideas about what men and women are supposed to wear, how they are supposed to behave, how they are supposed to speak, and what interests they are supposed to have. That’s why I find this question so interesting. If we are trying to break down those stereotypes and say that men can be feminine and women can be masculine, why does transgender identity sometimes become the next explanation for someone who feels disconnected from those traditional expectations?
To be completely honest, I sometimes feel like identifying as transgender is something I would personally consider much further down the list of possibilities for explaining how I feel. If I were a man who loved everything traditionally feminine, my first thought would be, “I’m a very feminine man,” not “I must actually be a woman.” And if I were a woman who loved everything traditionally masculine, I would think, “I’m a masculine woman.”
But I also recognize that my experience is not necessarily someone else’s experience.
I’m not trying to say transgender people are simply confused, that they are pretending, or that they should identify differently. I’m also not saying biology is the only thing that determines someone’s identity. I understand that this is much more complicated than appearance, personality, clothing, sexuality, or stereotypes.
I’m genuinely trying to understand what I’m missing.
For transgender people specifically, what was the distinction for you between being a very feminine man or a very masculine woman and actually knowing internally that you were another gender?
Was it about your body? Your internal sense of self? The way you wanted other people to perceive you? A feeling that went beyond gender roles and femininity/masculinity? Or something else entirely?
Because that is the part that doesn’t completely click for me yet.
I’m open to being corrected, and I actually want perspectives from people who experience this differently than I do. I’m not asking this because I think I have the definitive answer. I’m asking because I understand the general explanation of gender identity, but I still don’t fully understand the personal distinction between “I am a very feminine man” and “I am a woman.”
At the end of the day, it’s someone’s life and their identity. I respect that people are going to understand themselves differently. I just want to understand the perspective behind that difference.
I have love for all the communities🌸 just trying to understand what has yet to click for me.

Do any of you all know of any digestible way to explain social constructs and how it applies to gender? I have a bachelors in psychology with a minor in sociology and it’s still kind of hard for me to explain to someone else hahaha. Like I can explain the definition of a social construct but I’m looking for a way to explain it in a way that people could understand gender.

I was talking to a good friend earlier and off the fly I told her to use paper cash as an example. Cash money itself doesn’t hold any value. We “assign” value to it. And most people use that paper money to trade for goods, services, what have you. So if I were to take a $10 bill and use it to write my grocery list, is it wrong? Or am I just using it differently. I know this doesn’t 100% explain gender but I’m just trying to think of creative and effective ways to explain the social constructs. I hope my ramblings made sense haha.

Sex and Gender From the Perspective of a Trans Man

Introduction 

As a transgender person, people tend to have one of two ideas about the way I understand the topic of sex and gender. They either think I’m mentally ill and have a misunderstanding of how it ought to be, or they expect me to have an understanding that is deeper, more nuanced, or more developed than that of cisgender people. These expectations are odd when we recognize that almost everyone has a relationship to sex and gender, and that each relationship is personal, individual, and unique. My understanding of myself, why I am, and how I choose to move through the world are ultimately mine and mine alone. Given the expectations placed on me as a transgender person, I figured I’d articulate what my experience of sex and gender is, given my unique perspective as a trans man.

The general idea of who I am is simple: I am who I am. That is the richest, most real, and deepest understanding I have of myself. It describes an experience that is beyond the limits of language by suggesting that language itself is an inefficient carrier for the weight of what experience truly consists of. As for both my sex and my gender, those are merely aspects of a larger amalgamation of systems, identities, and processes that co-construct my being as a human. The labels “female” and “man” represent partial aspects of identity, yet have the capacity to misconvey the experiences they are said to represent. They have the potential to misrepresent lived experiences because the definitions regarding such labels have not been fully agreed upon by us as a society. While the elements of both sex and gender have been fundamental in the development of who I am, they are not the sole dictating factors of my identity. These labels are tools to help me express and communicate my experiences, but they are not the experience itself, of which is beyond the capacity of language. 

To begin, I think it is important to discuss the nuance between what sex and gender are.

What is sex? 

Sex is the process and anatomy designed around reproduction. It is a biological system that allows an organism to perpetuate its species and lineage. The singular, consistent difference between the anatomy of males and females is the size of the gamete produced; that is it. While there are trends and patterns relating to sexual roles and function, there are none beyond gamete size with enough consistency to be a certain marker of sex. Hormones, chromosomes, genitalia, and other sex characteristics are all things that vary across sex in other species. Sex, when used as an identifier, is merely noting the type of gamete an organism produces.

Information regarding one's sex is relevant to the person they have sex with and to the professionals they work with, wherein such information is necessary. How one reproduces and if they choose to reproduce is not relevant or necessary information to the majority of individuals they interact with. Therefore, one’s sex is not a necessary topic of conversation unless a person is one of those stated above or is invited to have said discussion.

In addition to defining what sex is, it is important to note that sex is a mature concept. Sex should be explained and understood at an appropriate age. While the ability to reproduce is a natural and necessary aspect of being an organismic species, and it does not need to be taboo, it can still be inappropriate. Youth who have not yet developed the physical systems to reproduce or the cognitive skills to consent to sex should be taught about sex at an appropriate age. The appropriate age is not a hard line, but rather an evaluation of the experiences, environment, and the entity of the youth.

If gender is merely a representation of sex, then it is rather odd the way we force and depend on it. Why must a child be dressed in a specific color if that reason is rooted solely in how they may eventually reproduce? Why must a person be seen in a specific way if they have chosen that they don’t want to reproduce? When gender is solely based on sex, it falls apart quickly, as sex is not the sole experience or aspect of being human, and what it truly defines (gamete size) is not something that is necessary to most experiences.

What is gender? 

While sex is the process and anatomy regarding reproduction, gender is the deep-rooted sense of self that is expressed and regulated through social systems. As a trans man, I did not wake up one day and decide, "I want to be a man!" I slowly began to recognize a consistent feeling: "I'd like to grow facial hair, my body feels more natural with a flat chest, I hear myself the way I want when I speak with a deep voice, etc." I understood that the ways in which I desired to genuinely express myself just so happened to align more with the experience of men than women.

Being a man is different from being male. Being male is the fact that a body produces a small gamete as opposed to a large one. Being a man is a complex arrangement of biological and social systems that trend together in comparison to varying gender expressions, which trend in their own ways. Dogs, cats, birds, flowers, trees, and so on can all experience maleness, yet each is void of the experience we call manhood. Manhood is a unique human experience in which multiple but indefinite aspects of experience overlap to create commonalities among people who consider themselves to be part of said demographic.

Gender as a whole is complex in the sense that there is nothing both unique and consistent enough within any aspect of the gender binary that can denote what being a man, woman, or gender-non-conforming person is with certainty. There is no sole defining characteristic that makes someone a man or a woman, and while it may seem as such, there are no physical identifiers that are universal enough to suggest how gender ought to be. There are trends to expressions that tend to pool into camps we call womanhood and manhood, and experiences that exist outside of such a binary. Yet these experiences are arbitrarily labeled and defined by human-constructed boxes. There is no universal rule to suggest that those who produce the large gamete should, say, have long hair and wear dresses, while the small-gamete-producing person should grow a beard.

How do sex and gender relate? 

While not the same, gender is still related to sex. Oftentimes, male and female people will feel comfortable with the social systems assigned to them; they feel aligned with the typical biological markers that signify they are male or female and reinforce those traits with social markers. For example, women tend to grow larger breasts than men. The social norm around such characteristics is to wear a bra. Yet when men, on occasion, have fatty tissue that is greater than average and more consistent with women, we don’t see these men buying bras. Yet women with flat chests, who naturally don’t grow larger breasts, will still buy and wear bras. The presence of breast tissue, and wearing a bra is something we often think of as being a female thing (present) or a male thing (not present). Yet when it is really considered, there is no definite rule to suggest that women will always present with breast tissue and that men won’t, or that women should wear bras and that men should not.

The same thinking goes for all physical identifiers of male or femaleness. Even down to the appearance of genitalia, large gamete producing people can naturally be born with anatomy that developed more similarly to a male, and vice versa. These are called intersex people, and their experiences of sex and gender are not any less real, important, human or valid than that of others. 

The typical idea of sex is constructed around various things, such as chromosomes, hormones, and primary and secondary sex characteristics. And while it is argued that biology can’t be changed, I’d argue that there are indeed aspects of biology that can, even though there are aspects that cannot. The defining aspect of sex, being the larger-gamete or small-gamete production, cannot be changed, nor can the chromosomes that determine the body’s trajectory of development, but hormones and primary and secondary sex characteristics are all things that can be altered.

In addition to the reality that some biology can be changed, biology is not the sole factor for how gender is constructed or perceived. Gender is immersed in social factors that are not related to biology, such as how one presents themselves through clothing, hairstyle, and mannerisms. As a trans man, I feel more comfortable expressing myself in ways that tend to be more commonly associated with men. I did not transition to fit a social role; I transitioned because the ways my body naturally developed felt misaligned and incongruent with the ways I wanted to represent myself. I did not transition to become a man; I felt a sense of what is called manhood within me while also experiencing a disconnect from the experience of womanhood, and therefore made a conscious decision to delve into the sensation that made me feel like myself. The experience of delving into gender is not an experience limited to trans people; cisgender individuals do things all the time to enforce and express their idea of what their gender means to them.

How do people relate to their identity?

Everyone has a relationship to both sex and gender. In our society, people are born with bodies typically expressing sex characteristics that align with a common trajectory of gender expression. These bodies are then determined to be a gender from the first day of existence. We are then socialized to enforce gender, its binary, and the social systems around such ideas as normal and universal. The true reality regarding sex and gender is that sex is important, but ultimately irrelevant to activities outside of reproduction and sexual health. Gender is a human construction that is essentially arbitrary and fluctuating, and while it is useful, it is not a fundamental or necessary requirement for a functional society.

Being beyond gender

What would a society without a gender construct look like? People would do what people do, yet they would do it based on ability, skill, and more personal and relevant reason, rather than for reasons related to gender. The strong would do activities that require strength, the intellects would do what needs intelligence, the gentle would take care of what needs grace. People would be free to do what best suits them, rather than what is placed onto them. People could still express themselves as they do, but they would do it because of authentic and genuine desire rather than a desire to fit in. People would attract others based on authenticity rather than a mirage of what a person should do to be attractive, and those with the capacity to reproduce may or may not choose to while those without such opportunities may or may not choose to build families with alternative methods. 

Why is gender necessary? 

Gender is relevant to systems where division of people is necessary. Systems that subjugate one group compared to another, such as patriarchy, use gender to do so. Without such systems, people are much harder to divide as the human experience overlaps and varies in such complex ways. Without rigid norms being perpetuated generation after generation, it becomes incredibly difficult to group people based on things that seem basic to us, only because they have been perpetuated for generations and generations. The question of gender’s necessity is answered by the individual and their view on the systems that utilize such construction. 

Conclusion

Sex and gender are simultaneously simple yet complex; it is a cross between the objective and the subjective, and a blend between nature and human will. Our inability to agree upon a defining factor of gender and the insistence on it being related to sex only perpetuates the need for a system that ultimately boxes the free nature of identity, experience, and humanity into rigidly defined categories. 

Hello !

(before I explain my questioning : English is not my native language, and I think I'm not very good. I hope I didn't make too much mistakes, sorry for that)

Like title said : I am a cis man, late twenties, and I'm ok to live like that. But, for a long time, I think something like "I woul prefer to be a woman". Not because living as a woman is easier (it's not). I just have the feeling I would be... happier ? A more fulfilled person ? Like "If I had been that person (a woman), I would have been someone I like more")

But I don't have the feeling I am trans. I don't want to make a transition, or change my pronouns or whatever. I am a cis man, and I think it would be strange (it would not be "the current me") if someone called me "she". So...

I don't know if I have to change my mind about what "cis" or "trans" means. Or maybe, there is a word to call people in agreement with their gender, but would like to be another ? (Or am I just a cis man fantasizing another reality ? But real 100% cis people do not think like that, right ?)

I am curious about your opinions !
Thanks !

I am starting to believe that. I have seen people and their lookalike women that give same vibe. Like they look too similar almost twins. So what if that is the case. If you defile a women, you are gonna be next.

Also I think there is a realm where there is no gender like as you progress and stay celibate you pass into a realm where there is no gender.

I’ve met a lot of people who are gender nonconforming (appearing) and sometimes I ask pronouns but apparently that’s rude. I also sometimes guess and then end up causing strife. What do I do?

I'm nonbinary so it's really embarrassing to ask this but no one has ever told me

Specifically asking about being cisgender and transgender, gender identity the innate sense of self due to fetal brain development. The brain seems to almost always take a cisgender pathway, but sometimes it takes a transgender pathway. Is there any science on this schema developing in animals relating to evolution? Is it somehow helpful in the primate group? Or just generally good for an individual to have a sense of self relating to its sex? Does it help drive reproduction? Maybe it has a role in sexual orientation?