u/tianamakeyousimp

I want to ask this genuinely, and I’m not trying to be disrespectful or invalidate anybody’s identity. I’ve read quite a bit about gender, gender identity, gender expression, and the different ways people experience their sense of self. I understand that gender identity is deeply personal, and I understand that for some transgender people, their internal sense of gender can feel very different from the sex they were assigned at birth. I’ve also read about research suggesting that, in some cases, aspects of transgender people’s brains may show patterns that are more similar to those typically associated with the gender they identify with. I understand that this does not apply to every trans person, and I’m not trying to use that as an argument for or against being transgender.
Even with all of that, there is still one part of the concept that I personally struggle to understand.
Why can’t someone simply be an extremely feminine man or an extremely masculine woman?
For example, I’m a woman. If I suddenly became extremely masculine, started dressing traditionally masculine, had a masculine personality, liked traditionally masculine things, and even preferred looking masculine, I personally would still consider myself a woman. I would probably just describe myself as a masculine-presenting woman.
So when I see a man who is extremely feminine, loves makeup, skirts, feminine mannerisms, beauty, and other things traditionally associated with women, I understand why he might say, “I’m a feminine man.” What I struggle to understand is what makes someone cross that line internally and say, “Actually, I am a woman.”
And I’m not saying that line doesn’t exist. I understand that for transgender people, it absolutely can feel real and significant. I’m asking what that distinction actually is from their perspective.
Because to me, gender expression and gender identity seem like two different things. A man can be feminine. A woman can be masculine. A man can love men. A woman can love women. A man can want to look beautiful rather than handsome. A woman can want to look masculine rather than feminine. None of those things, by themselves, seem to change what someone is.
So I guess what I’m really asking is, what makes gender identity different from gender expression on an internal level?
I also understand the argument that gender itself is partly constructed through social expectations. We have created ideas about what men and women are supposed to wear, how they are supposed to behave, how they are supposed to speak, and what interests they are supposed to have. That’s why I find this question so interesting. If we are trying to break down those stereotypes and say that men can be feminine and women can be masculine, why does transgender identity sometimes become the next explanation for someone who feels disconnected from those traditional expectations?
To be completely honest, I sometimes feel like identifying as transgender is something I would personally consider much further down the list of possibilities for explaining how I feel. If I were a man who loved everything traditionally feminine, my first thought would be, “I’m a very feminine man,” not “I must actually be a woman.” And if I were a woman who loved everything traditionally masculine, I would think, “I’m a masculine woman.”
But I also recognize that my experience is not necessarily someone else’s experience.
I’m not trying to say transgender people are simply confused, that they are pretending, or that they should identify differently. I’m also not saying biology is the only thing that determines someone’s identity. I understand that this is much more complicated than appearance, personality, clothing, sexuality, or stereotypes.
I’m genuinely trying to understand what I’m missing.
For transgender people specifically, what was the distinction for you between being a very feminine man or a very masculine woman and actually knowing internally that you were another gender?
Was it about your body? Your internal sense of self? The way you wanted other people to perceive you? A feeling that went beyond gender roles and femininity/masculinity? Or something else entirely?
Because that is the part that doesn’t completely click for me yet.
I’m open to being corrected, and I actually want perspectives from people who experience this differently than I do. I’m not asking this because I think I have the definitive answer. I’m asking because I understand the general explanation of gender identity, but I still don’t fully understand the personal distinction between “I am a very feminine man” and “I am a woman.”
At the end of the day, it’s someone’s life and their identity. I respect that people are going to understand themselves differently. I just want to understand the perspective behind that difference.
I have love for all the communities🌸 just trying to understand what has yet to click for me.