u/Few_Novel4067

I have been on a journey to figure out my gender identity and I am kinda stuck on this question. Since I have been a kid I have never fit the stereotypes assigned to women. I have always had guy friends, I always shop at the meb section, I played sports and I never really had a girl friendgroup growing up. The last years I do hang out more with women than I do with men.

All of this has made me questions myself since I was about 11 yo, now I am 22. I have thought about top surgery all this time, but recently I have actually been thinking that I don’t want it and a binder should be enough (planning on buying one soon). I have always imagined myself how I would look like if I had more male characteristics, when I was a little kid and I would get like the kids makeup set I would always draw a beard on my face. At the same time I don’t necessarily dislike the biological characteristics that I have.

I do have short hair now and I dress pretty masculine and a lot of people call me sir and I don’t mind it at all, but when people see me as a woman sometimes it really does bother me. I really do enjoy being “one of the girls” now, but only if they know about my struggle with identifying my gender. I also really do enjoy it when someone starts the conversation and asks me about my pronouns, it makes me feel like they really do see me on a deeper level than just “being a woman”. You could say I enjoy being perceived as a person regardless of gender.

I know a label isn’t necessary to be who you are but I have been struggling for so long that I just really want to know how I can even describe this thing that I have been feeling my entire life.

I don’t know if anyone feels the same, I am pretty sure there are more people like me. I would love to hear your experience if my story resonates with you or if you have any advice that could help me further in my journey.

(I hope I could make myself clear, english isn’t my first language so please don’t mind if I have worded things in a bad way)

Hi im 22 years old, born female and half of my life I have felt like im not fully a woman. My relationship with my gender is really weird and I have no idea how to identify myself nor how to deal with it. I will tell you a bit more about myself so you can hopefully understand me.

Since I was little I have always been one of the boys and I really loved it. When I was about 11 years old I found out about transness. At that point I thought i was trans because I was one of the boys and I was always more interested in “boy stuff” like playing sports, games etc.

As I got older I found out about different gender identities and I have always tried to identify myself but I don’t feel like any of them suit me.

Sometimes I really love I am born a woman and that I can call myself a lesbian but then sometimes when I look at guys I really wish I was born like a man. I wish my clothes fit me like they do on men, I wish my face is a bit more masculine and that a shorter haircut doesn’t make me look more feminine (if a hairdresser cuts it more in a “feminine way”). I don’t necessarily want to be on T, but I do often think about getting top surgery. Sometimes I really just want them to be gone and sometimes they don’t bother me at all.

I think for me everything really comes in waves. I will get caught up in the fact that people see my as a woman when I don’t see myself like that. I am really open about me being a lesbian but only a few people know about my gender. I feel like i shouldn’t necessarily tell people since I firstly don’t even know how to identify myself and secondly because it really comes in waves. Language is a thing as well, since the language that I speak is so gendered it is not possible to use they/them pronouns so I just stick with she/her and sometimes when I talk about myself I will use he/him. I would also like my name to be a bit more gender neutral but I don’t really know how to ask people to call me by a different name.

Lastly since I really feel everything in waves I sometimes wonder if I am just faking it? I don’t know if this makes any sense but I don’t know any other non binary people so I have nobody to talk to about this and if this is a normal feeling.

Does anyone experience the same things as me? I would really love to read about your experience and what helped you figure yourself out!
Thank you for your time if you have read up until this point!!