u/Opposite-Quality3001

whenever i think about the future, i can only picture myself dead. which is curious, considering that just a few months ago, i was making big plans for my academic life

after i started college and reality hit me hard... it seems like my outlook on life just withered away

while part of me wants to study, make new friends and succeed in life; another part tries to convince me it’s not worth it, since im going to die young

does anyone else feel this way?

i've been showing symptoms of depression for a few years, even though i've never had an official diagnosis. whenever i could, i’d skip school; the only reason i didn't fail due to absences was that i kept handing in tons of doctor's notes from my psychologist

after my grandparents moved out, money got tight and my mom had to cut back on expenses, including my therapy sessions (just to clarify: it was actually my idea, because i thought i was doing well enough to go without professional help. big mistake)

i recently started college, and that old habit of skipping class has popped up again. without a psychologist, i can't just hand in medical notes like i used to

i missed two weeks in a row and got a huge lecture from my mom (and rightly so). she said i needed to seize this opportunity so i wouldn't end up working behind a counter like she does

she's absolutely right, but the thought of having all this responsibility at 18 makes me anxious and depressed. i feel like i owe this success to my mom, but how can i pull it off when i'm not in the right headspace to attend classes?

i have a lot of suicidal thoughts about this because, frankly, i think my mom deserves a better son. if only i had a brother or sister to fill that gap...

i'm willing to seek professional help again, but i don't know exactly how to bring it up with my mom

sorry for the long post, this might just be a stupid teenage problem lol

criei um reddit só pra postar isso pq tem sido difícil desabafar com amigos e familiares e ouvir as mesmas respostas. vou tentar ser o mais breve possível pq ngm merece ler um texto com 10 mil parágrafos

enfim, recentemente passei para UFRJ e, desde então, meu humor despencou totalmente. claro, no começo fiquei feliz por ter conseguido uma vaga, mas logo a pressão veio. é muito difícil ser o primeiro da família a passar em uma federal, sabe?

eu só tenho 18 anos, mas já sinto que tenho o mundo inteiro pra carregar nas costas. eu sinto que devo esse sucesso pra minha família e, principalmente, pra minha mãe

fora o fato de eu ser um total desastre pra apresentar trabalhos, mas não vou me estender muito nesse tópico pq enfim né

alguém já passou por isso tbm? :/