My boyfriend (22 M) doesn't think he can do long distance after I (22 F) move to attend my dream school. How do I handle this conversation?
Hey! I’m looking for advice on how to first best handle the conversation needed, and second, deal with the emotional fallout that will most likely come from this conversation as well.
I (22F) started dating my bf (22M) 6 months ago. We were friends/acquaintances the first 3 years of college, and it grew into more in the fall semester of our senior year. When we started talking and going out, I had the plan to go to Medical School, so I was going to take a gap year to work and get more clinical hours. I was planning to do this in the city where he and my friends live. We went to a state college, and while I am from a smaller town, most of my friends and my bf live in this city. He already has a good-paying job lined up, has a house and roommate, and he is planning on going to grad school in-state as well.
My plans, however, changed because I realized I would rather work in nursing rather than being a physician, so I applied to nursing programs and got accepted to my dream school on the East Coast (2400 miles away) for two years. I also got a great scholarship and can’t imagine not taking this opportunity. He has been incredibly supportive throughout this and has told me time and time again that I have to go.
The issue is he doesn’t want to do long distance (he hasn’t set a strict boundary, but does seem to be leaning this direction). We have talked about it a bit, and he fully believes that he will not be able to do long distance, and he doesn’t want to be a reason I don’t fully immerse myself in my schooling or environment. He also believes that I will move there and find “someone better,” and he doesn’t want to be the person who holds me back from that opportunity. I have expressed that I want to do long distance, but I do also understand that he has basically an entire life planned in his hometown, and I don’t think I will ever move back there, due to the opportunities I want to take advantage of after my nursing program. I also think it's unreasonable to discuss him moving to me in the future, especially since the relationship hasn’t been very long-term, and he has his own life and plans.
I truly love him; he is the first person I have ever loved and really truly opened up and felt fully reciprocated and cherished. He is smart, kind, funny, and I truly don’t want to lose him. He has helped me know, appreciate, and love myself better than I ever thought I could. There is also no question on if he loves me either, I know he does, and I know he wants us to work, but it is just complicated to come to a resolution when there are no structured plans for either of us. I don’t know if there is any way to fix the disconnect, or if I should just accept the fact that he is my first love, be grateful that I had him in my life and everything he helped me in and through, and let it end before resentment builds up.
I am going to visit him and my friends in two weeks to say goodbye, and he and I are going to revisit this conversation. We have discussed options, but have not nailed down an actual resolution (I know we should have done it earlier). I don’t know how to express how I’m feeling, address his concerns, and try to see if he would even just consider trying long distance before fully ending things. I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up with me, but he has been burned by his past, and he didn’t really grow up seeing healthy relationships, so he has no real base to stand on.
My other dilemma is that if it does end, how do I even process that? I haven’t had a relationship end on good terms without animosity. It is easier to get over someone when you have a negative association with the relationship. I also don’t know how I can not mainly blame myself, since my going to school is the reason that it is ending. He has constantly told me that I’m not the reason and that I need to put my goals and schooling first, which I do agree with, but I can’t help but blame the fact that I am choosing to move across the country, which is potentially ending the relationship.
TL;DR: My boyfriend and I love each other, but I'm moving 2,400 miles away for my dream two-year nursing program. He has been supportive of me going, but is leaning against trying long-distance because he thinks he'll hold me back. We have one final conversation coming up before I leave. How do I approach it, and if it does end, how do I cope with losing someone I still love with no animosity?