Aging mom and 40-year-old autistic brother how do we prepare for when she can't care for him anymore?**
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I'm looking for practical advice from other “glass children” who have had to plan for an adult sibling who relies heavily on an aging parent.
I'm the **younger sibling**, and my brother and I aren't particularly close. There are also no other siblings or extended family members who could realistically step in.
My brother is 40 and autistic. He lives alone, but my mom is essentially the infrastructure keeping his life functioning. She pays his rent, financially supports his dog, makes/talks him through vet appointments, helps him navigate problems, and provides a lot of his emotional support.
He lost his job about a year ago and hasn't been able to find another. He occasionally does weekend event setup work and is capable of driving. He has a degree in accounting but has never been able to establish a career in that field, and throughout his adult life he has generally struggled to keep jobs for more than 2–3 years.
He also has significant debt, a history of gambling addiction, and has been scammed out of money. So while he technically lives independently, I'm concerned about how well he could actually manage without my mom.
My mom is in her 70s and has declining health, and I don't think she'll be able to live independently for much longer. We're trying to plan **before there is a crisis**.
The difficult part is that I don't want to simply become my mom's replacement. **I'm his sister, not his parent, and I don't want the burden of becoming his full-time caregiver or managing his life after our mom is gone.** I love my brother and want him to be safe and supported, but I also have my own life and responsibilities. He also doesn't tend to listen to me the way he listens to my mom.
My mom and I have discussed trying to get him evaluated for disability and possibly purchasing a small home for his future housing, potentially keeping it in our names because of his debt and history of poor financial decisions. But we have no idea if that is actually a good idea, particularly regarding SSI/SSDI, Medicaid, trusts, creditors, etc.
**For people who have been through this:**
* What should we be doing now while my mom is still able to help?
* How do you transition an adult sibling from relying on a parent to relying on professional/community supports?
* What disability benefits and services should we investigate?
* How did you handle housing?
* Should we be looking at a special needs trust, ABLE account, POA, guardianship, representative payee, etc.?
* How did you protect a vulnerable sibling from debt, scams, or financial exploitation without taking over their entire life?
* Most importantly, **how did you create a long-term support system without the sibling simply becoming the new caregiver?**
I'd especially love to hear from other “glass children” about what you wish your family had done before your parents were gone
I want to help create a plan that protects my brother without making me solely responsible for him. I shpuld mention my mom and I are not rich or middle class. The financial strain of this hadls put my mom into credit card debt.