First time ever saying this out loud - late bloomer
Firstly, sorry if I say something not quite right, I'm still learning.
I'm not sure what I am, whether I'm CD, trans, gender fluid or something else, but I'm well into my 50s and a married man with adult kids (all girls).
I didn't grow up wanting to be a girl. I guess I did suppress my more fem side growing up the 80s, and as a straight man have always been a bit fem, but not overly so. I know I'm not gay. But have for many years found trans women fascinating. I've never acted on that, other than porn.
Last year, I started playing one of these online fantasy games where the goal was sissification. Clearly I was drawn to it for a reason. One thing led to another and what started as a bit a fun kink suddenly blossomed into something else. I felt a soft part of me that had been forgotten for years, when I was connected to that softness, everything felt so calm, it almost eliminated many of my ADHD symptoms! When I was being Maddie (all privately or stealth mode), everything seemed better.
A few months later I had a major trauma event, and honestly without Maddie I don't think we have got through it anywhere near as well as we did. And that event really brought Maddie forwards.
I think about Maddie all the time when I'm in boy mode. I've got a full wardrobe for her and my boy wardrobe has moved to very gender fluid. Full of cute pastels, and even some things like ladies jeans. So even when I'm being a man, she's still there.
My wife hasn't clocked things yet that I know of, I've been very careful and secure. I've managed to pass off the odd slip up, like her finding my Rosy Lips balm. My daughters haven't picked up either I don't think. Same with friends and colleagues.
It's now been over a year since those early explorations and I'm actually excited about the future. I'm curious and kind to myself and Maddie to see where this goes. Yes, it's scary too. If I come out one day (no plans yet), how will everyone take it, especially the wife and kids. Also the current anti trans political climate is scary.
There's so much more I could say about my journey, but I'll leave it there for now.
But I wanted to post here, to say, I'm here. I'm learning about myself, and I'm ready to listen to others who understand.
Can anyone relate to my later life journey?
Has anyone got any advice for me?
Thanks for reading, love Maddie ❤️ ❤️❤️