When I look in the mirror, I see her. I hate it. Anyone else ever feel like this?
Using a throwaway cause the internet is scary.
Been NC with my N-mum for over a year (actually just got my first Birthday card from her since going NC, which was laughable). I've really been struggling recently, maybe it's cause I've just had a birthday, getting older etc. However, there's been a few times recently when I'm getting ready and I look in the mirror, I see her, similar mannerisms, just a likeness (I KNOW! BLOODY GENETICS!). But it freaks me the fuck out and terrifies me that I'm turning into her. I'm currently working through A LOT of trauma surrounding N-mum. So many things race through my mind when I catch myself doing things like she does:
I hate that I do 'this' the same way. 'This' could be applying makeup like she does, playing with my hair like she does, saying certain things in the same way etc.
I hate this because growing up I always got told "Oh you look JUST like your mum!". I've only just realised why I hated that so much. It's because I already had no autonomy, and no identity, I have always been an extension of her, and I was treated that way. Treated as property. Actually got told once "you are my child. Therefore, I can treat you however I see fit, you are my property". The thing is that as a child I never really saw the resemblance and I would just brush it off with a shy "thanks". BUT NOW. ERUUGHHHHHH. I can see more of her in my face. It's really making me feel unsettled at the moment. Anyone else experience this and have any thoughts/advice?
I think I've noticed it more recently because I've also been trying to raise the bar for myself. I've been pushing harder to not be a people pleaser and stand up for myself more. However, I then worry that I'm turning into her because she has standards (that no one could ever meet, but still, lol). I'm worried that standing up for myself and having confidence and taking up space in the room will turn me into her, a raging BITCH, and I'm going to develop these standards that no one can truly meet. It sounds so fucking stupid, I'm aware. I'm trying to process the shit storm my brain has going on in there. Right now I think I have about 2 brain cells left, and they're both fighting for 3rd place.
Basically, I just want to know if anyone else is having or had these struggles and had any thoughts of moving past this particular phase. It's getting to the point where I don't really want to be looking in the mirror to do my makeup etc. I'm really hoping this is just a phase cause my life's been extra turbulent over the last few weeks with therapy and recent events bringing up a lot. Any support/help is much appreciated.