u/OstrichAdventurous46

I am 27(F) stuck in this competitive exam cycle for years now. I have always been an average student. It's not like I don't have ambition but somehow I always run away from putting in the effort that is actually needed. My teachers always used to tell me that I have potential but I don't work hard. They were right. When I started preparing I really thought this time I will change. I told myself I won't repeat the same mistakes again. But I did. So many years have passed and honestly I don't even feel like I have learnt much. I have only ruined my health and confidence. Maybe I am just not made to be successful. I don't know who to blame anymore. Sometimes I blame myself sometimes I blame my situation. Starting again feels impossible. Today I was on LinkedIn and it gave me anxiety. Everyone from my college and school is doing something good. Some are earning well some are studying further and some are getting promoted. Then there is me. Still preparing. Still confused. I feel stuck tired and like I have wasted so many years.

Has anyone else gone through this? Were you able to start over and how did you come out of it? Did you change your career or start from zero? I really want to know because I feel completely lost.

Since the last few days i have been wondering why certain experiences hurt more than they objectively should. Perhaps it is because such experiences often don't arrive alone rather they find the old wounds that are slightly unhealed, old doors that were left open, old unanswered questions, old insecurities and everything else that has been patiently waiting for another to witness, no matter how much you try to hide them. Suddenly, on a random weekday night you're bawling your eyes out, not just grieving that one person who stirred up so many emotions but you're reliving all the versions of it that have haunted you in the past.

After crying for the entire night lol now that i think of it, it fascinates me how your mind can, so quickly and easily, hand over years of self assurance to someone, who occupied a small tiny fraction of your life lol. I know it's a little weird of me to write this reddit post of him, who objectively speaking was not even a part of my life yet. I mean it was just a 20 day long conversation and followed by a month long silence, a night of crying my eyes out and yet it made me question so many things about myself. And this is certainly not because he was extraordinary. It's just because his silence ended up borrowing the voices of my old insecurities. Maybe that's why the last unanswered message is bothering me even more than an unpleasant reply would have.

The unfortunate part is that these stories that we write are almost never about the other person, who actually fucked up. The brain makes it all about us. We rarely reach the conclusion that the other person was distracted, inconsistent, avoidant, overwhelmed or maybe just incapable of showing up in the way you would have. Rather, we arrive at the eerily silent, quieter and much cruel deductions, that perhaps I am not good enough. I am not intersting enough. I am not pretty enough or smart enough. Perhaps I misunderstand everything every time or perhaps I am just easier to leave than I imagined.

At the end it is just remarkable how little it takes for memories to trespass. One stranger, a few conversations and suddenly a place you have forever loved, suddenly feels borrowed. I'll keep thinking about it, trying to find the answers to the questions that have remained unanswered, until I'm not curious anymore.

(Reposting because it got deleted 😭)

Since the last few days i have been wondering why certain experiences hurt more than they objectively should. Perhaps it is because such experiences often don't arrive alone rather they find the old wounds that are slightly unhealed, old doors that were left open, old unanswered questions, old insecurities and everything else that has been patiently waiting for another to witness, no matter how much you try to hide them. Suddenly, on a random weekday night you're bawling your eyes out, not just grieving that one person who stirred up so many emotions but you're reliving all the versions of it that have haunted you in the past.

After crying for the entire night lol now that i think of it, it fascinates me how your mind can, so quickly and easily, hand over years of self assurance to someone, who occupied a small tiny fraction of your life lol. I know it's a little weird of me to write this reddit post of him, who objectively speaking was not even a part of my life yet. I mean it was just a 20 day long conversation and followed by a month long silence, a night of crying my eyes out and yet it made me question so many things about myself. And this is certainly not because he was extraordinary. It's just because his silence ended up borrowing the voices of my old insecurities. Maybe that's why the last unanswered message is bothering me even more than an unpleasant reply would have.

The unfortunate part is that these stories that we write are almost never about the other person, who actually fucked up. The brain makes it all about us. We rarely reach the conclusion that the other person was distracted, inconsistent, avoidant, overwhelmed or maybe just incapable of showing up in the way you would have. Rather, we arrive at the eerily silent, quieter and much cruel deductions, that perhaps I am not good enough. I am intersting enough. I am not pretty enough or smart enough. Perhaps I misunderstand everything every time or perhaps I am just easier to leave than I imagined.

At the end it is just remarkable how little it takes for memories to trespass. One stranger, a few conversations and suddenly a place you have forever loved, suddenly feels borrowed. I'll keep thinking about it, trying to find the answers to the questions that have remained unanswered, until I'm not curious anymore.