Struggling with the idea of waiting for marriage.
I’m 24M and I’m really downtrodden on the idea of waiting for marriage. Just giving you a heads up, but this is a a long rant of post so if you don’t want to read all that I don’t blame you.
A little background about me:
I grew up in a very rural area in a dysfunctional family. I was homeschooled(until high school) and raised on a farm with five older siblings until the age of 8, when my mom finally left my abusive dad who had bipolar disorder. Point is, all my siblings have trauma and varying degrees of low self-esteem (that’s important for later). My dad was the youngest of his family so he favored me, and in my time spent with him growing up he ingrained in me two things: 1) I’m smarter and have bigger and better things to look forward to than pretty much anyone else. 2) Women are problems, and avoid them if you can. The 2nd point in particular, because all I heard growing up is story after story about a really smart guy who had everything going for him and was on his way to becoming an astronaut, doctor, lawyer, etc., but then he got a girl pregnant and now works in his hometown as a construction worker and essentially ruined his life.
Me and my siblings all went to a Baptist church. However, we quit going at some point in my high school years. Point is, I got the background of the no-sex-before-marriage idea from church. In junior high, I looked at the data for those who committed premarital sex, and as y’all know might know, it wasn’t good for those who want long lasting marriages. Point is, between the two things my dad ingrained in me and the premarital sex data, I made the choice that sex and women weren’t going to happen until I “had it made.” I went through high school and college with the mindset that women were just a waste of time until I was financially set. So I never dated once through all those years and turned to porn to alleviate my sex drive. Granted, I didn’t think my high school had any good dating options anyways (small high school of about 100 total kids). Plus, in college I was in chemical engineering school and competed in college golf, so I didn’t have much time for social outings anyway, but my point still stands.
Fast forward to the beginning of 2025:
I’m in my final year of chemical engineering school and I listened to this podcast that had a priest as a guest, which really made me interested in the Catholic faith. Point is, the podcast made me look into theology and the existence of God, which led me to converting to Catholicism, and that’s when I quit porn. When I got my first job a year ago and “had it made” is when I finally started dating. With my newfound belief in Catholicism, I started, and still am, dating with the intent of waiting for marriage.
Today:
The reason I made this post is because my oldest brother recently came out with essentially a sex addiction. He had alcohol issues (the low self-esteem thing I mentioned earlier) and mentioned he had slept with countless women. He doesn’t even know the number. He also said his best friend has slept with well over 100 women. My best friend in college also had slept with countless gorgeous women (one was a Catholic who was planning to wait before sleeping with him too, and he personally told me about how bad she was in bed because of her lack of experience). Additionally, my last girlfriend (with whom we broke up because of this) had slept with someone just months before we met.
My point is, I am discouraged by the idea of waiting. I truly believe sex is for marriage. However, hearing and experiencing these anecdotes, I’m really struggling with the idea that someone out there (who I find attractive emotionally and physically, and meets my standards when it comes to how they handle money, intelligence, practicing their faith, etc) has waited for marriage. Living in a rural area doesn’t help either, as there are very few Catholics my age, let alone Catholics who are still single, have waited, and ones I find attractive and can convince to date me. All the stories I see of “people waiting” are those who got married at like 18 or 19. Quite frankly, I don’t know if it’s happening. I’m all for praying about it, but reality is she ain’t falling from the sky. I gotta go find her if she even exists. I know someone might say to lower your standards, but I’m too introverted and my conviction over this topic is too strong that I don’t think I can.
The point of this post is to rant, but also to ask: is there anyone else in a similar boat?
Also, I am on CatholicMatch already, and if there was a Catholic young adults group in my parish I’d already be in it.