u/Outis918

I think they call me a Moser now
Having spoken truth to power
My childhood self screaming for justice
I never got
Calling for my mother
As she turns away
Perhaps that's why I loved you so much
You replaced some of what she didn't give.
What a sad thing to realize
Turns out too that
You didn't deserve that role
I had another dream about you last night
One where you were the director of a massive film
And I was just there
You paid attention to me, but then you didn't
I just watched as this entire machine of people moved around you
You directing the symphony of their action
While I was just a hanger on, an afterthought
I don't want to dream about you anymore
I don't yearn for you, I yearn to never think about you ever again
I don't want to forget you, only so that this doesn't happen again
With some other horrible woman
I used to think ruining my life over you was worth it
A noble cause, an affront to the cruel world that took you from me
But then it hit me all at once
How my entire perception of the whole thing was wrong
Maybe the Jews were right about the goyim
Maybe you are all animals, like her
Ironic that the love that inspired me to go against all that stuff
Is now the hate that drives me to it
I don't know anything anymore
Is the truth love? Or is power truth?
Are both truth at once?
Christ died for my sins
What a fool

“Wakey wakey”

I hear her say

From under my bivey

Thrown out of a campsite by the cops

We make small talk as my father and I pack

Bags first

I can’t help but notice

One of the cops is a redhead

With piercing blue eyes

And an Irish Catholic lilt

Black nonstandard uniform

No bodycam

And overly friendly, I try to ignore her

Imagining she’s a fed, or regional intel

And focus on just leaving

But as we turn to go

She asks for my number, with some excuse

I’m sure was a lie

But I give it to her anyways

She pauses, and we stare at one another

Deafening silence

Before she remarks

“You look so familiar”

And a strange moment of connection

Occurs between us

She smiles and looks away

I blush a bit and agree, that she does too

Confused, because I don’t think we’ve met

But because she feels familiar

Instant chemistry, that I’m ashamed

To admit even occurred

She clearly has more prospects than

The homeless guy, not gonna even give myself

A chance to hope

She’s probably married anyways

Woman like that are never single

But what was that feeling?

Why did she look down the way she did

With a soft, knowing smile?

Like some schoolyard crush?

Am I still that easily manipulated by women

Even after so many negative experiences?

More, she seems to remind me of a certain

Character that I wrote about

In my Outis fiction

A redheaded Intel officer named Mary

Basically my ideal woman

The name pulled from

Jung’s evolution of the Anima

Someone has a sense of humor

Either God, or the State

I enjoyed it at first

But later, thinking about it got me sour

Like a dog who was teased with a prime rib

His owner had no intent to ever give

What I wouldn’t do

To be loved by a woman like that