r/yearning

I couldn’t stay friends with you after the breakup. Your texts were dry and maybe you were going through something you couldn’t tell me. Your roommate doesn’t like me bc she didn’t want to risk her home if you moved to my state like you said you’d do. I don’t blame her for that but it’s shitty. I still have the book you wrote years ago and the poem you typed up 7yrs ago. I still have the card you sent me for my birthday. Did you throw my stuff away? My letters? I sent you my favorite things. Small little trinkets that mean the world to me. Bc I knew we were forever. I miss your voice. I dreamt of you last night. I woke up smiling forgetting it’s been over a month since we last texted. I still struggle. I still think of you JD. Your beautiful face. Your laugh bc I’m so funny with my dad jokes. I know you need space too. You deleted your discord and blocked me everywhere. I know one day I won’t think of you when I open my eyes each morning. I know I’ll let go of the “what if’s” eventually. Seven years now. I ache and I yearn. And that’s ok. I love you jdkins. I wish you’d reach out to me again.

I hope one day I'll have the guts to tell you I love you. I hope one day I'll be able to move on and understand loving you wasn't about the recipcated feelings it was about understanding how far my love can go, it was understanding how far I can push my limits until I break. Of course I wish we could have happened who wouldn't but at some point my love can only go so far before I break my own heart by holding out hope. I can only yearn for you for so long because at some point my love can't go any further for you. It sits and it festers until the love turns ugly and I don't recognize the person standing in front of the mirror anymore. Sometimes its a bad thing sometimes it's a good thing I don't recognize the person in the mirror, but I'm worried who I'm gonna look like when your gone.

Your name popped up on my screen
And I felt the tight knot on my chest unravel and it’s funny cause I didn’t even notice it was there until I felt the relief of it’s absence when I saw your name on my screen.
The space between my thumb and the button to receive your call felt like miles, no oceans! Like oceans and oceans!
You tell me about your day and I’m lost in the sound of your voice. I feel myself relaxing to the sound of it, and when you speak it’s like that’s how words were meant to exist, like they suddenly carry a whole new meaning, a higher level of significance, like the word “Hello” was born to be uttered by you!
I told my friends that I don’t even like you like that when they asked about you earlier today, told em that “it’s never that serious” even threw in a “ it’s whatever, I don’t really care” perfectly performing the nonchalance that this generation’s idea of dating requires of me.
In a perfect world, I’d be brave enough to tell them how I feel…..to tell you! I’d confess the silent prayer I whispered under my breath as i denied harbouring any feelings for you, i would bear my soft heart out to you in all its vulnerability, I’d allow the facade that is my ‘nonchalance’ to crumble and proudly declare how i feel,
id tell you that that i miss you when you’re not around, that I see you everywhere I go, in the stranger enjoying an orange because you said you like oranges that one time, Id explain that suddenly it’s like I’m seeing the world through the lens of… well you!
Perhaps in this make shift universe you would feel the same way, perhaps you’d tell me in articulate detail how i too roam freely in the chambers of your heart, perhaps then, i would allow myself the luxury of being yours,
But the world is far from perfect and i recognise these feelings for what they are, a warning! A threat to my peace of mind, i know of their potential to steal sleep and any form of joy and as such I can not allow myself such extravagant luxuries,
Instead I pacify my heart with the sweet music that is your voice, i revel in the sound of your laughter and find peace in the knowledge that we’re both lying on our backs talking to each other tonight. That I exist under the same stars you do.
For now that’s enough.

Yours (only in crossed fingered wishes)

Maybe one day I can give it to him, but for now I'm left with just writing about how he makes me feel.

"There are not enough words that can accurately explain how I have felt over the last three weeks.

I haven't been able to take my mind off of you that night we were alone in your car. The smell of your hair, the warmth of your skin, the way your hand gripped and stroked my thighs; these memories replay over and over in my head until I am drunk on thoughts of us.

Long after we kissed, your taste lingered on my lips and I have since wanted nothing else but to taste you again, to fully drink you in. This throbbing ache, this hot swelling of desire; I cannot be freed from this torment until I am completely and thoroughly consumed by you.

I am on my knees begging for release and yet- I am overindulgent, savoring this hunger. I will not know peace until I am devoured. Until you take me apart and make my body yours.

All of this and somehow I am still unable to find the words for how wildly I crave you."

I don’t think he’s ever coming back to me. Maybe I should just learn to live with that fact. I wish I could do something about it. But not anymore. Now all I can do is quietly yearn for our paths to cross once again. Maybe in this lifetime. Maybe in the next. Idk. None of it makes sense anymore. Nothing really does in his absence. He was an elixir to my soul. My twin. My mirror. And I miss you. I kinda still have feelings for you. My soul aches whenever I think of you. My heart still hurts in places I thought would’ve healed by now. And maybe that’s the most ridiculous part; how someone who no longer exists in my life still manages to exist everywhere inside me. That’s it. Off I go now, into the land of unknowns. I won’t wait for him to come around anymore. I’ll keep my head high. Keep living. Keep thriving. And maybe somewhere along the way, I’ll find pieces of myself that I lost while loving you. ✨

Trust me, I have lost all my appetite from all these yearning and whining. So.. I think I’m done yearning. Time to face the reality.

P.S. — This will be the last letter I ever write for you, imaginary man, in the name of what we once had — rare, beautiful and deep connection in this materialistic world. I’m lucky to have felt it. Shared it with you. Love you.

*kisses to your cheeks, muwah*

I just want you, I want all the intimate moments with you, I’m not meaning the sexual or erotic ones. I’m meaning a slow Saturday morning, cuddled up on the couch, trying to become fully awake. I’m meaning jamming out to some music in the car, whether that be in a road trip, or just running errands. Hell, even waiting in lines at the grocery store, or sitting at a red light, or doing any mundane task. I don’t care what it is, I just want to be doing it with you. Being in your presence, hearing the same sounds you hear, smelling the same scents that you do, seeing the same things you see. It eases me, it takes the stress off my shoulders. In your presence, I can feel my corners slowly starting to round off, I can feel my rough edges dissipate into something smooth. You make me feel comfortable in my own skin without even saying a word, just by your presence. This want for you, it’s building into more of a need. Like I’m craving just existing next to you, nothing flashy, romantic, or sensual. Just simply existing.

The scariest part about loving you is that I'll never know when it ends. I'll never know if I get over you and move on, or if I just fall more in love with you. I'm not afraid to say it anymore Im in love with you and you should feel special because your the first person I've ever loved. and you know maybe your love wasn't to teach me what love is but to show me how deep my love can run, it supposed to show how far my feelings can go for a person. I just hope one day I have the guts to tell you that I love you because you deserve to know.

That night still plays in my mind. The night we said goodbye, waiting as the clock ticked closer to the end of it all. We were across the globe, but I felt you right there beside me, reliving our best experiences, just.... talking.

That night, I don't know what it was, but I felt it, more than friends, on the verge of lovers but not quite there. I wish I hadn't been a coward that night, that I had simply asked for something more, but I chose life over a potential love. While my brain screams at me to move on, my heart chooses to remain in the past. I want to forget, I need to forget, but I simply can't. A fragment of my soul was lost that night and every day since I wish I could see you one more time to feel complete again.

I told you so much before our connection severed, but I didn't tel you all. I didn't tell you what you wanted to hear, but at least I know I lit up those ears. If only I had given all my secrets away, maybe we'd still be making magic moments together.

Torn between wanting you.
And letting you go.
I should have told you how I felt.
At the same time—
I’m glad I didn’t tell you..
How I felt.
What were you to me?
You were my everything.
Then, emotions clouded my judgement.
To reveal the truth.
Mixed signals were never my intentions.
It was just that, I myself was..
UNSURE.
I was in the darkest.
on the verge of getting myself out of it.
I should have known better.
Tell you the truth.
That you were dying to hear.
You wanted me first.
Then you didn’t want me next.
I didn’t want you then.
But I was fortunate enough to meet you.
Now, I want you.
I know, the ship has sailed.
But, can I just manifest for you to come back?
Lay your soul, on my soul.
So that I could exhale in a relief?
I wanted you then.
I want you now.
I want you forever and ever.
But,I also want to let you go.
Free myself from your thoughts.
To be at peace.
I feel..
Torn between the contrasts.

I knew we could never happen, I never thought that one day you would wake up and decide today's the day I’m going to burn down the life I’ve created to be with her. 
And yet I got my hopes up all the same, maybe not so hope but so much as though the “What ifs” got to me
I think I started to read into every detail even if it was true I think I started to believe you knew how I felt, 
I was holding on to the fact that maybe you felt even a fraction of what I do. 
I held on that maybe you saw the way my eyes lingered- on you but never on your eyes because I would get scared,
 the way my face blushed when you sought me out,
 the way I'd jump at your presence. 
I thought that maybe you saw it all and chose to ignore it 
maybe you're just oblivious and feel just as strange as I do.
 We're more than friends but less than lovers.
 I don’t know what to call us because what we are supposed to be is not even close to what we are.
 I don’t know how to describe it but the only thing I can think of when I'm with you is how beautiful you are. 
How much every time I see you upset or crying I want to come hold you because that's what you deserve. 
You deserve the world but I can’t be the one to give you that.
 You deserve to have somebody hold you on your restless nights and the days when you're too stressed to think.
You deserve to have somebody your not ashamed to be with
You deserve to have somebody who sees your every flaw and still chooses to stay
Because I want to be that for you, but I know we can never happen
I’m just waiting for my heart to finish catching up

I think a part of me will always ache...

over the fact that you came back only after the damage was already done.

After I cried alone.

After I questioned my worth.

After I learned how to carry your absence without collapsing.

Because if I mattered enough to return to, why did I have to survive losing you first?

All these DMs keep arriving, one after another, and I barely feel a thing. I smile, I entertain it, I let the conversations pass through me like passing weather. Yet somehow, amidst all the noise and tentative flirtation, you still remain the quiet disturbance beneath my skin.

Not loud enough to ruin me. Not distant enough to leave me. You linger. Like a half-remembered dream I can never fully return to. Like a melody my mind forgot, but my heart somehow still hums in silence.

And maybe that’s what unsettles me most. Because I have never truly had you, and yet some strange part of me still misses you. You feel like the sip of wine left untouched at the edge of the glass; close enough to reach, close enough to want, but never quite mine.

And every now and then, I swear I feel your presence drift through me like a familiar breeze.

My almost. My nearly. My still-not-yet. Maybe, in another lifetime.

A quiet yearn, that I can’t shake. A yearn that I can’t get rid off, for good. ✨

I had told fuck the distance.
I don’t care.
Let’s be together.
Let’s make it real AF.
Let’s make it work.
I wish I had asked to meet.
Plan that hypothetical trip we talked about.
Forget that world existed.
By being together.
Walk through those narrow alleys.
Get lost in each other, in the dark.
When moon shined through the night.
By staying up all night.
Lost in the each other.
Let’s wake up to each other.
When sunlight hits those curtain.
By looking into each other’s eyes.
By getting ready side-by-side for a new day.
I wish we had talked about it heart-to-heart.
And see where it had led us.
I wish, I was not scared enough to say, fuck the distance.
I don’t care.
Let’s make it work.
We would have been happier, more calmer.
With each other.
By wanting each other forever more and more every fucking day and night.♾️

There are too few words that can accurately explain how I have felt over the past few weeks. I haven't been able to take my mind off of that night we were alone in your car. The smell of your hair, the warmth of your skin, the way your hand gripped and stroked my thighs; these memories replay over and over in my mind leaving me intoxicated.

Long after we kissed, your taste lingered on my lips and I have since desired nothing else but to taste you again, to fully drink you in. This throbbing ache, this hot swelling of passion; it will not be satisfied until I am completely and thoroughly consumed by you. I am on my knees begging for relief and yet I am overindulgent in this hunger.

I have never so urgently needed to be devoured and I cannot know peace until you make my body yours.

“There’s always a reason, quit your worrying”, I say to myself, trying to mask the naivety. “She’s just busy,” or “she probably fell asleep”, I also tend to say, trying to pretend like I’m not nauseous, or that my chest feels like it’s about to implode. I mean the fact of the matter, she’s not mine, why should I care or worry about what she’s doing? She’s not bound to me, and I’m not bound to her. But, my heart aches for her, it pounds inside my chest for her, my stomach is in knots for her. I try to stop myself, I try to think about anything and everything other than her, it never works, why would it. I mean the way she looks, her humor, her laugh, her smile, her eyes… oh boy those eyes. I’m completely captivated by them, I’m hypnotized by them, paralyzed and under a spell by them. When she looks at me with those eyes, nothing else on this planet could hold any bearing over what she’s about to say. It’s almost like a drug, the second those eyes make contact with mine, all of my attention, intention, and energy diverts to her. I hold on to every millisecond before she speaks, eager, waiting to listen to what she’s has to say. She says her eyes are nothing special, they’re just “brown”. They’re not just brown. They’re my favorite shade of brown.

I feel a strange longing that never fully leaves me. It feels familiar yet ancient, almost like remembering something I cannot consciously recall but somehow have always known.

Sometimes I look at mountains, hear certain arrangements of music, sit in silence, or observe rain, wind, old architecture, faces, voices, textures, or even expressions in strangers, and they produce an immediate recognition in my mind. Things start feeling interconnected with me.

I feel an intense urge to participate in it completely, to absorb it completely. I want to see every colour, feel every texture, recognize every hidden pattern in nature, and feel every emotion the human race has ever felt. I feel kind of homesick for unknown experiences.

Life and time seem insufficient for it. It feels like my mind is too small to grasp it. The feeling is so intense that I keep trying to make sense of it, wondering why everything feels so familiar yet unreachable.

It's definitely not some passing emotion. If I can't make sense of it at this point, I have decided to call it curiosity.

Please Help.

Loving you hurts sometimes. I know we can't happen and I think I'm slowly accepting it. The only thing that's lagging behind is my heart. My mind has accepted that we can't happen and that I can only love you behind boundaries, I can show you my love just not romantically. I can tell you how much you mean to but behind the disguise of a "friend" I just want to tell you I love. Maybe if I told you to break my heart on purpose I would be able to get over you, that once I hear the words come out of your mouth then maybe my heart will catch on. But at least I only have 8 days with you left and the only the only thing my heart can think about is the heartache of losing you

Take a long-haul flight, travel across the world; I want to visit Iceland, with or without you. Part of me resists, but another part of me still wants to go. I want to stand beneath the Aurora Borealis and watch ribbons of green and violet paint the night sky. I want to look up in silence and feel impossibly small beneath something so beautiful.

Take a short trip around the Golden Circle, when the days are short and the nights are endless. Maybe sit by a window with a bowl of warm stew while snow quietly settles outside, wrapped in a furry silver coat, warming my frozen hands. Wake up the next morning and drive through endless roads where mountains stretch into the horizon and silence becomes loud enough to hear your own thoughts. Maybe explore the wilderness of volcanoes, stand near a crater and stare into the void for a little too long.

And somewhere in between all of it, I know I’ll probably think of you. Because some part of me imagined seeing this. Then I’d sink into the warmth of the Blue Lagoon, close my eyes, and pretend that for a moment, life had finally become quiet. Maybe forget all the chaos. Maybe forget you. Or maybe miss you even more.

I think they call me a Moser now
Having spoken truth to power
My childhood self screaming for justice
I never got
Calling for my mother
As she turns away
Perhaps that's why I loved you so much
You replaced some of what she didn't give.
What a sad thing to realize
Turns out too that
You didn't deserve that role
I had another dream about you last night
One where you were the director of a massive film
And I was just there
You paid attention to me, but then you didn't
I just watched as this entire machine of people moved around you
You directing the symphony of their action
While I was just a hanger on, an afterthought
I don't want to dream about you anymore
I don't yearn for you, I yearn to never think about you ever again
I don't want to forget you, only so that this doesn't happen again
With some other horrible woman
I used to think ruining my life over you was worth it
A noble cause, an affront to the cruel world that took you from me
But then it hit me all at once
How my entire perception of the whole thing was wrong
Maybe the Jews were right about the goyim
Maybe you are all animals, like her
Ironic that the love that inspired me to go against all that stuff
Is now the hate that drives me to it
I don't know anything anymore
Is the truth love? Or is power truth?
Are both truth at once?
Christ died for my sins
What a fool

I miss you for 5 min then I clock that what you did was so random and cruel and hate you again. Blame me all you want. I still for some fucking reason have 30% love for you. But I will never forgive and forget how fast and how easily you dumped me like an old rag. WHATEVER. Good riddance I suppose. Being single has never felt better. I don’t even want to be with anyone but me myself and I for the foreseeable future. Thanks for opening all these doors in my face after you left. XOXO