Dear Muslim parents, stop turning your daughters into half sons and have some gheerah
Bismilllah. I’m gonna start this off by saying I support women being financially independent. Not all advice can be applied to all women but this one where I strongly believe that as a woman you need a source of income somehow. That being said, women cannot do it all. Also, it goes without saying that this does not apply to all Muslim parents.
I hate the fact that as I’m typing this out, I feel like there’s gonna be men ready to argue with me. However this is not your place to express your issues.
Growing up I never really had an issue with family, I was one of those people that loved to think “family first!” Now that I’m in my 20’s, things have changed.
I am often irritated, I lack the sabr to speak with patience and to brush things off. It’s not good to be like that as a Muslim but it truly feels like my family members trigger me day in day out. I’m living within a “mixed” family. One of my parent’s siblings, my own sibling and their spouse, they all live with us. Even though this home does not have enough space.
I was sold a lie that daughters are doted on, that daughters are so special, yet I feel like I’m put 2nd place when it actually matters. I have a job that requires a quiet place so I can wfh, yet I got the small room. When I say small, I mean small. I cannot fit a required desk in here and a chair in addition to the other furniture. Others often are using the bathroom or kitchen, no place besides my bedroom feels like I can be ok in it. Someone is in the way or they find a way to bug me.
I know I’m not allowed to say this but I sometimes feel “failed”? I reflected why I feel such strong emotions, why I’m so mad about all of this and I suspect I had some unconscious expectations about my life. “I’m the daughter, I thought I had a right to live freely with you.” I was foolish enough to think that I would be put in first place, instead of my sibling or my parent’s sibling. My parents aren’t bad people and they didn’t abandon me. It just feels like they didn’t choose my peace and future when it mattered, in the long run. That’s what is bothering me.
My father has worked very hard his entire life and I’m not here to dismiss that. If anything, that hurts more. He works hard but the environment my parents have allowed to form within our home, is overshadowing the sacrifices he made. That’s very bad to say, I know that. However my limit has been reached.
I most likely have hormonal issues and sometimes I look at my home environment wondering whether the stress it gives me, is worsening my health. My parents speak of marriage but I feel like I’m not gonna become marriage worthy while I’m living at home. It worries me. I want to be a patient, kind wife but the past year in this home has legit brought out the worst version of me.
I don’t want to blame others time and time again but how am I supposed to keep my calm when I don’t feel protected by the people who are supposed to do that.
Last night I feel like I reached a limit. Someone in the extended family sent out a video of a relative who’s normally a hijabi, but without her hijab on. They sent it to non mehrams, some men in the family know this but their reaction was so disappointing. Imagine having the option to delete those pics but you decide against it in the moment cause it will become an issue right now. Later, they say. I feel disgusted with the lack of gheerah. I feel disappointed how I am asked to contribute to the house/ bills earlier than my sibling was expected to. I am the daughter but where are the mehrams that are supposed to stick up for me?
I have seen my extended relatives being prioritized. I have seen my parents spend money on less important matters when our house looks an absolute mess. I rarely ask my parents to buy me anything, to take me anywhere. Comparison is the thief of joy, I know. However I cannot help but look at other women sometimes and see them, relaxed, happy. They don’t feel like they’re half a man. The men in their life spend on their wants. I don’t have that. I spend on my wants. I take myself out to restaurants, I buy myself the makeup, the wants and needs.
I am gonna move out in Sha Allah. I can’t live here and be happy. I can’t sacrifice my life and health for people who don’t put me first. My question: any woman who’s been in a similar environment and moved out, how do you deal with the resentment? And how do you uphold your ties of kinship without it ruining you peace? How has moving out improved your life? JazakAllah Khair