16 (it’s nothing like the movies)
I’m 16. The epitome of teenagehood. My life’s nothing like the fucking movies.
Belly from The Summer I Turned Pretty, Katniss from The Hunger Games, Laura Jean from To all the boys I've loved before. All of these 16-year old protagonists that I dreamt, no, protagonists that I expected to embody once I reached this sweet age.
Here I am: I don’t do boys. I don’t drink. I rarely leave the house. I copy my friends. I value others' expectations over me more than my own.
I don’t know. there is so much i don't know. i dont understand. there is so much i dont understand.
I’m in an awkward stage where I haven’t lived enough of life and experienced enough hardships to have an identity. Do not get me wrong, I love my life, I am extremely privileged to have everything and everyone around me. But, at times I reflect and attempt to gauge what kind of person I am. I am extremely self aware of how 2 years ago I enunciated my vowels more and had softened my consonants because I was surrounded by east-asian friends (with that accent). I used to fail math because my friends weren’t studying and I thought putting in effort was something to be embarrassed about.
I lost so many parts of me, real or not. I sifted through all the ragged and powdery sediment and I am still being sifted through. I hurt people because of this. I lost friends, I made small yet detrimental mistakes. I cried. I yelled. I shouted at my parents who only tried to help. All because I was forcing pieces of a puzzle that didn’t belong.
Then, I stopped.
In my experience, the only way to feel fulfilled is by not having expectations; your own, societal ones, family ones, friends.
As unromantic as it may sound, I’m getting by. I’m getting by without expecting much and have been feeling more content with myself. I stopped expecting him to text me first. Or being invited to a classmate’s birthday party. I initiated my own plans. I stopped expecting myself to fail a chemistry exam. I put in effort. I stopped forcing myself to watch youtubers that my friends enjoy. I stopped avoiding doing things just because my friends won’t join me.
I saw instant results. My days end with more satisfaction. I don’t talk to people to not look lonely. I don’t obsess over how a boy replied to me 7 minutes late. I don’t do anything that isn’t myself. I do it all for me.