I seem to be going through a mental crisis and need a rush. I can’t drink and I can’t do drugs (bad liver and work drug tests)
I have minimal friends and the ones I do have can’t help me with this.
I’m 21 F, if you’d be down, lmk.
I'm in a tough spot.
My relationship is on the brink of ending, we're taking a week long break with minimal contact, only when necessary. And I just found out today, per my therapist, that I made my bf my "emotional regulation", which is apparently common in ADHD. I attached myself to him and used him my center point when I felt things start to spin. I'd never realized how much I was leaning on him, but it makes me hurt even more knowing that I was depending on him and he couldn't depend on me.(I struggle a lot with emotional availability, although he’s admitted that I’ve improved in that, and am inconsistent with chores an household tasks)
But because of that, we've fallen apart here recently. He got a job which took him away from home, and I didn't handle it well. I wasn’t able to talk to him as often and he was so exhausted with work all the time I felt like I wasn’t able to talk to him, like my connection to him was fading, which I admit, going back and reading the messages, my sheer panic and fear made it seem SO MUCH WORSE. I started flipping out and couldn't figure out why, until today. He was my ground. When I was stressed and overwhelmed and needed to be grounded, he was my ground, and then he was ripped away suddenly and I felt like I was falling and I panicked, reaching out looking for him to catch me and stop my fall, and he wasn't there. Which led to an ultimatum, which I regret more than anything in my life. I panicked and instead of trusting he'd catch me, I flailed and fought and closed my eyes, and I hurt him.
I’m not sure how I can fix this. IF I can fix this. I’m so far from being a perfect person, and I know I will never be able to fix a lot of the things in my brain, but I can work on it, and I can be intentional. I know that this was something for me to learn from, but I’m not sure he’ll see it that way, even I do explain and he understands.